Tag Archives: travel

July 8, 2012

Recharged

By Simon

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Life has a funny way of getting the timing just perfect sometimes. I have not been writing as often and while most of that has been a result of a full plate at work, some of it was just a case of the blahs. I haven’t been sure what to write and maybe just needed a break.
Last week I got just that. After an amazing and relaxing week with friends and family I am feeling recharged. Vacations are definitely sweet. To make it even better, I got a pretty sweet surprise when I discovered that this blog was freshly pressed. I thought the timing of that was pretty cool and encouraging so thanks WP people. I wasn’t as responsive as I would liked to have been to all the new readers and will catch up very soon. Thanks so much for wasting a click to stop by and read. I truly appreciate the kind words and visits here.
I think I finally have all of the sand washed out of my business and I am enjoying the last few hours of my vacation before waking up and being a grown up in the morning.
I so appreciate all of you reading. I am blessed with the opportunity to recharge my batteries and I am looking forward to some good (well maybe not good but I will at least shoot for readable) Sweet and Weaks to come.
Enjoy the rest of your Sunday and resist the urge to burn down your workplace or call in sick.

Cheers,

Simon

P.S.
Not a bad picture with an iPhone eh? That was the sunset on our last night.

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May 18, 2012

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

By Simon

Sweet

Racing the GPS 

image via garmin.com

The dashboard GPS has to be one of the greatest inventions ever.  I mean it is right up there with air conditioning and the baconator.  For one thing, if you have a GPS you never have to listen to your wife nag  suggest you stop and ask a stranger for directions (which might as well be the same as getting out of the car wearing a shirt that says: I am only 75% of the man you are).  This little device, though often frustrating , brings a certain calming quality to our marriage when I decide to take a short cut and dare veer off of the digital pink line of safety.  Sure, sometimes we follow our digital mate precisely and put an unhealthy amount of trust into it as we wind up cursing under our breath and turning around in vacant lots or wishing we were still on the paved road but all in all, it is pretty dang awesome.

I think that my favorite thing about our GPS is that on long drives it gives me a clear competitive objective.  When I am driving and using the GPS, all of the goals in my life boil down to one thing.  Beating the arrival time on the GPS.  It is almost embarrassing how much joy I derive from beating the GPS.  I say almost because the amount of awesome clearly outweighs any shame.  One of the great things about racing the GPS is that it re calibrates as you go so if you gain a minute, it will adjust giving you instant gratification.  I went on two separate business road trips this week and am happy to say that I beat the GPS each time.  There are a couple of ways that you can beat the GPS like catching green lights or light traffic, but the best way to win is by speeding.  I drive a lot, so as a byproduct I speed a lot.  I don’t mean driving reckless like a maniac but my cruise control is most comfortable at least 8 mph above the posted limit.  I don’t know why it is, but anytime I cross back into my home state I feel a sense of relief like the state troopers here will welcome me home as a favorite son and overlook my GPS racing.  This is stupid for several reasons, mostly because  I really only seem to get tickets in Georgia.

Driving can often be a long mundane tiring task, but beating the GPS can make it totally sweet.

 

Weak

If Only I had a Portable Infrared Sauna 

image via consumertraveler.com

Have you ever heard of a plane crashing because of an iphone?  Maybe missing the runway and landing in a river because of a Kindle?  No?  Funny, me either.  I know that in my house we have computers and cell phones and regular cordless phones and baby monitors all running at the same time with nary a glitch or disruption.  So here is the thing. I don’t think that safety has anything to do with the reason that we have to turn off all electronics before take-off and landing on a plane.  I think the real reason is Sky Mall.  Unless you bring your own material, the seat in front of you really only contains 2 pieces of reading material (assuming you don’t need to read the barf bag or evacuation instructions)  some boring airline magazine that really is just about restaurants in cities you aren’t on your way to, or Sky Mall.

Sky Mall has comandeered my attention more than once below 10,000 feet.  In fact, had I not read about it only a day before Mother’s Day, my wife may have been the proud owner of one of these:

Sit back and just say ahhhhh to in-home relaxation. Portable Infrared Sauna $399.99
image via Sky Mall

Something about flipping through Sky Mall makes me feel like I am severely lacking in iphone accessories, meerkat lawn statues, and pet car-seats.  Has anyone actually ordered anything from Sky Mall?  Perhaps a plush mini staircase for your little dog to climb up to your bed, or maybe packets of the first ever protein supplemented ketchup? I mean surely you are all getting your credit cards out to order one of these:

The Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon. $79.99
image via Sky Mall

You know, thanks to 20/20 and 60 minutes, that one may actually be a good idea.  I am sure there are folks out there that needed a bunion regulator or a generic Snuggie, I just doubt that Sky Mall is their retail destination.  Have you ever met anyone that works for Sky Mall?  Tell me that wouldn’t be the best job ever, getting to decide what makes it into the Christmas edition?  That actually may be my dream job.  I want to be in charge of all of the vendor’s submissions and test products in order to deem them worthy of mile high status.

Until then, I will continue to ask every flight attendant possible if they have ever seen one of these on an actual flight:

This person is able to sleep comfortably in any Seat! Can you say the same? Probably not, unless you have SkyRest. $29.95
image via Sky Mall

It looks like that guy is taking a restful snooze, but my guess would be that he passed out from exhaustion and light headedness after the 20 minutes it took to blow that thing up.  So far zero accounts of seeing one of these in person by any flight attendant I have ever asked.  I don’t know how much longer Sky Mall will be paying the airlines in order to gain a captive audience at the start and end of each flight, but until then I will participate in the flipping ritual and wonder if I need a hot dog toaster or one of those butler statue toilet paper holders.

It is funny to joke about after the fact but when you have to bring your chair to its upright position and lock your tray tables, the prospect of looking through a Sky Mall for the next 15 minutes is totally weak.

 

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April 30, 2012

What is “Cook Until Done” Divided by 30 Seconds?

By Simon

Sweet

Shortcuts 

Lots of people love quotes.  I see them in your status updates and on the signature lines of your emails.  I guess I am impressed that you are a big fan of Hemingway and Voltaire, or that you got one of those quote a day calendars for Christmas.  I like quotes too, it’s just that putting a quote at the bottom of my email and crediting it to “Billy Madison” is not quite as professional.  I am not saying that I am not well read, but my favorite thing about Dr. Seuss movies is that I can finally be one of those people who say “It wasn’t as good as the book.”  One of my favorite quotes is from a movie called Road Trip.  There are several great lines but the gem is this: “It’s supposed to be a challenge, it’s a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.”

Man, I love shortcuts.  Getting off the beaten path and having a bit of an adventure, all in the name of saving 5 minutes.  I like making my gps have a seizure, and sometimes it has been a while since I have seen my wife’s eyes roll.  Taking an unannounced shortcut is sure to do both.  In a world that is so digitized and matter of fact, short cuts are one of the few treasure hunt type adventures that we can still relish in.  Is there really any greater brag as a man than to make great time because you took a shortcut?

It is true that they don’t always pan out.  I questioned my own sense of adventure (and direction) earlier this month as I lead my in-laws following in the car behind me on a short cut that ended up adding 20 minutes of drive time and included driving through a deluge of blinding rain on empty praying to find a gas station in a sea of farmland.

You have to be willing to work through the occasional setback, but finding a great shortcut and going on an adventure is totally sweet.

Weak

Thought this was Supposed to Save Time 

I have cleaned instant oatmeal out of a microwave at least a half-dozen times.  For some reason when you create an oatmeal volcano in the microwave at work, you can’t just leave it like you would do at home.  It isn’t because I can’t read or follow simple instructions but I like my instant oatmeal a little less al dente than the instructions call for.  Working with unfamiliar equipment that potentially includes industrial strength wattage (or whatever cooks stuff in a microwave), can lead to inconsistent results.

I get that the microwave is a huge time saver and everything but is anyone else out there a little intimidated?  I mean that thing has like 25 buttons on it.  There are a lot of numbers and levels but if I have anything that needs to cook longer than popcorn, I just hit the popcorn button and then the plus 30 seconds button over and over until I get to the desired time.

Speaking of, I made a frozen dinner not too long ago that told me I had to cook it for 6 minutes on medium, remove film, stir, and then put back in for another 4 minutes.  Listen, if I knew you were going to expect me to be Wolfgang Puck, I would have just made Swedish meatballs from scratch. Also, I looked and have no idea how to cook on “medium”  maybe that is just popcorn minus 30 seconds or something.

In case you were ever wondering, if someone in your office cooks fish in the microwave, you have to pop 3 bags of popcorn and throw it away just to get rid of the funk. I am grateful for technology and that I don’t have to stab a stick through it to cook my hot pocket over an open flame but microwave fails are  totally weak.

*If you read my last post you might be thinking ‘this guy writes about popcorn a lot”

(There isn’t really any joke there, I am just saying you might be thinking that.)

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April 23, 2012

There’s a Hole in My Bucket List

By Simon

Sweet

The Chewy Freeze. 

I have talked about my love of gum before here.  People that know me well are aware of this affinity and for Christmas this year I received a case of a new minty fresh type that I was particularly appreciative of.  I try to pay attention to little things that I come across on a day-to-day basis that are particularly sweet and add a bit of awesome to an otherwise ho-hum day.  This happened on Saturday as I was chewing a piece of gum and grabbed the cup in the console and tossed in a few pieces of ice.  I hadn’t done it in a while but I love chewing gum and ice together.  This was exactly one of those sweet things that I like to earmark and remember.  It wasn’t just any ice either, which is what made it even better.  It was that tiny pellet ice that you remember from concession stands at little league.   I think we can all agree that pellet ice is the best ice ever.  That ice chews up perfectly and combined with gum that gets partially frozen and hard  is totally sweet.

Weak

It May not be a Marathon, But I did Run an Errand Once. 

Last week I read  this great blog post by Maggie.  Since then I have had the “bucket list” concept come up several other times.  A friend of mine is playing The Old Course at St. Andrews today and my grandmother flew in a sail plane a few months ago.  People are climbing mountains and starting non-profits and catching salmon with their bare hands.  My recent triumph was finally getting a few days of old gym clothes out of my trunk and into the laundry, gross I know.  Thinking about all of the amazing experiences this world has to offer sometimes makes me feel small.  I don’t worry though that my bucket list may have a leak or even that no formal list has been made.  I may never take up falconry on the weekends or spend the night in an igloo, but I do have goals.  Goals that are achievable (I think) and goals that would make my life better.  It may not be enough to fill a whole bucket but from a guy trying to be the best husband and dad he can be, here are a few excerpts from my teaspoon list.

1. Get rid of the two dirt spots in the front lawn.

2. Break down all those boxes in the garage and take them to the recycling place.

3. Play an entire game of football on the X Box  just like before  kids.

4. Start the day with something other than profanity when the alarm goes off at 5:30.

5. Learn some kind of basic “in case of emergency” hair styling strategy for my daughters in case my wife isn’t home.

6.  Try out that taco truck everyone keeps talking about.

7. Remember to buy stamps and get the trash out to the curb on time.

8. Figure out some kind of alternative energy solution fueled by dryer lint and dropped goldfish.

9. Hit all green lights.

10. Remember (just once) to bring those re-usable grocery bags to the store.

I have done some pretty cool stuff and I am sure that there will be more cool stuff to come.  I won’t feel empty if I don’t drive a Formula One car or see the march of the penguins in person.  I am happy for you folks that are out their building a violin from a tree in your backyard, and nursing an injured koala back to health with goat’s milk from your own goat.  For me though, calling a bunch of crap I will probably never do “my bucket list” is totally weak.

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April 10, 2012

Some Like it Cold

By Simon

Sweet

Leftovers for Breakfast.  FTW! 

Dear cold Soy saucy broccoli, how I love thee first thing in the morning eating you standing up in front of an open refrigerator without any pants on.  You know, in immediate retrospect, I think that the no pants thing might have been taking it a bit too far.  That being said, when I am concerned that my words haven’t quite hit the comedic tone I was seeking, I find adding something about no pants to the end never hurts.

I don’t want this post to take anything away from traditional breakfast foods and as a southerner, I  hold things like biscuits and grits close to my heart.  While an organized planned out breakfast is a thing of beauty, there are few things that this world has to offer sweeter than eating cold leftovers for breakfast standing in front of the refrigerator.  I guess you could go to the trouble of putting that pizza on a plate and sitting at the table but it is 7:30 in the morning, what am I some kind of weirdo?  When you eat it standing in front of the fridge it is kinda like it didn’t really count.

Last week we had some people over for dinner and my neighbor was kind enough to leave the spinach dip she made.  I thought about texting her first thing the next morning to tell her she had already made my day but didn’t want to sound like some kind of freak.  That cold spinach dip was the best thing I had eaten for breakfast in a long time.  Let it be known that she left crackers as well and I didn’t just eat dip with a spoon like some kind of animal. Cold Spinach dip was a nice start to a non-traditional breakfast weekend.  Sunday morning brought along another favorite but rarer treat.  The candy breakfast.  For the most part on Easter and Christmas morning I can trust that the first food I am eating  is chocolate.  Pretty awesome to proudly have peanut butter cups for breakfast with no fear of being judged, heck, you can even post a picture of your half eaten bunny on the internet and people will think you are some kind of hero.  To be honest though, there is one minor drawback to your breakfast coming wrapped in tiny pieces of foil.  It pretty much insures your metabolism and energy level for the day will be akin to a bottle rocket.  Lots of blast and fury out of the gate but just doesn’t quite last long enough to get the job done.  I couldn’t do it every day but twice a year candy breakfast is pretty sweet.

Weak

lobster pager (weak)

I love restaurants.  I worked in them for years and the whole idea of having servants to cook, clean, and bring me things  for me for about an hour has a certain appeal.  Lately though, I have been rethinking my approach.  You see we have a little one that is at that adorable age that she has decided she is too big for a high chair but she is still very capable of needing stitches at any minute.

We were at the beach last week for some spring break fun and as many do, we washed the sand out of our nooks and crannies and headed out to become slaves to a little pager thing that beeps and lights up to tell us it is our turn at the trough.  For the most part, everything was great but every now and then a dining experience steadily spirals out of control and sucks the joy out of a night quicker than a Cajun with a crawfish.  We had one of those experiences last week.  Having been there myself, I have an incredible amount of empathy for the restaurant business but sometimes you have to take a stand.  It is probably one of the weakest of the weak but last week I had to pull out the big guns and do something that no one wants to do.  I asked to talk to a manager.  Pretty weak.

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April 4, 2012

Nooks and Crannies

By Simon

Sweet
Much Better
I think we all can agree that few things in life rival spending the day at the beach. Fun, sun, surf, and sand, and sand, and oh look more sand. There is nothing better than that feeling you have after your post beach shower. Your skin is all tight and sun kissed and the sand is finally all washed out of your business. Totally Sweet.

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Weak
The Summer Beard
I have spent a bit of time spring breakin at the beach this week. I have had a great time and am also continuing my journey of self discovery of this person I didn’t used to be. For example I have a naturally darker complexion and have rarely used sunscreen. Now I know that most towels have a soft side and a scratchy side. Yowzers sunburns hurt. I am contemplating growing a summer beard because the thought of scraping my burnt skin with a razor makes my knees wobble. Another reminder that I am getting older and now the father of two girls is my opinion of bikini clad adolescents. If this particular spring break location had a sponsor it would be tube tops and aviator sunglasses. There was a time in my life that this would have been heaven but now all I can think is how that girl’s dad must feel. I guess that is part of growing up and follows suit with the other paradigm shifts in my life. I know that we all have those things that we look back at when we get older and realize they were silly (although, I will stand behind a well tight-rolled Bugle Boy jean) and for today’s teenager it will likely be the sunglasses. I don’t get the whole hipster thing. What is so ironic about looking like and idiot? As you get older the thoughts going through your mind on vacation change and that is kind of weak, but not near as weak as rubbing aloe on your blistered ear lobes. Seriously, sunburned earlobes?? Weak.

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March 23, 2012

Are We There Yet??

By Simon

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

Weak

This morning I had the pleasurable experience of getting caught in a traffic jam when the interstate I was on was closed due to an accident.  I take these kind of things in stride fairly well but this particular bit of traffic put me in park sitting completely still for 68 minutes.  It was raining and I was in the left lane boxed in by two large trucks.

Lately I have been adhering to all of the health advice out there about staying hydrated and drinking plenty of water.  At minute 55 of the traffic standstill I realized some sort of action needed to be taken and I did not have extra pants.  Below is a picture of the emergency urinal I constructed.  Luckily upon completion of the build traffic began to move and I found relief at a nearby service station.  If you are interested in helping me patent this object please let me know.

Getting stuck in traffic is completely weak.

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March 21, 2012

When Did Giving You Money Stop Being Enough?

By Simon

Sweet

100 % More Country Stats 

About a month ago WordPress launched a new blog statistics page that shows the country that the click to view your blog originated.  If I am representative of many new bloggers, we begin writing because we have a creative side that needs to get out or have something funny or interesting to say and keyboards rarely interrupt or doze off in the middle of our diatribe.  Then in some mysterious way we kind of get sucked in to who is reading our stuff and even resort to surfing around other blogs leaving lame comments in hopes that they will return the favor.  Honestly I have only heard of that method of generating new readers.  I have never tried it myself.

I will be the first to admit though, that knowing people are reading your blog or even winding up there on accident because they Googled the word squatchy is pretty sweet.  For a certain period of time we get sucked into the statistics page and even neglect things we once held so dear like Facebook to see if anyone new has stopped by to read our nonsense.  I think it is a phase that we bloggers mature out of and realize that the reason we started a blog wasn’t to win a Shorty award or turn our blog into a NY Times bestseller.  We hold onto the dream of one day being Freshly Pressed but for the most part go back to our roots and write because we have things to say, not because we want to pump up our stat bar.

That was me, a happy maturing blogger that had gotten over my stats obsession and had shifted focus to writing what I wanted to write and enjoying the community of readers and fellow writers out that make the blogging process so rewarding.

There timing was impeccable.  Just as I had situated myself on the high road and stopped measuring my self -worth with my blog stats, WordPress showed me a page full of awesome little flag icons that tell me all of the places in the world my blog has popped up on a screen.  Just like that, I am sucked right back in.  I don’t have a huge map in my office that I put thumbtacks in every time I see a new country or anything, but based on the stats page this blog has been either viewed or accidentally stumbled upon in 57 different countries since the new feature started.  It probably seems silly to most people but if I see that 4 or more people in Paraguay clicked on my blog I decide it wasn’t an accident and I think it is pretty sweet.

This may be the closest I ever get to a glamorous life of international travel and I am OK with that.  So if you are reading this today or randomly landed here after Googling “ideas to disguise a TV remote” (true story) Where ya from?

Weak

What Happened to “Here’s your Receipt, Have a Nice Day.” 

Have you bought anything lately?  I am not sure exactly when it happened but it now seems like every transaction concludes with me getting a to do list.  I just gave you money.  When did that become not enough?  Here is the thing, I don’t want to be entered in your sweepstakes. I don’t have time to go home and spend two hours filling our surveys for every store I walked into at the mall today.  I am not going to go to this website and make sure I rate your service excellent just because you told me to.  I have stuff to do like spend 30 minutes thinking up back stories to who is reading my blog in Morocco.

Is it too much to ask to go back to the way things were?  Are people doing this?  Are people actually winning a $1000 gift certificate to Lens Crafters?  If I call the cable company because my favorite show Happy Endings isn’t coming in clear do I get to talk to a real person faster if I agree to the short 5 minute survey at the conclusion of this call?  I get it, in today’s world of business buzzwords, every single breath we take needs to be measured and the results quantified.  Somehow, some out of touch with reality power point slide has trickled all the way down to me standing in Sears pretending to listen to your spiel waiting for you to let me go so we can finally do something fun and get free samples in the food court.  If my opinion is really that valuable to you can’t you just install one of those Facebook “like” buttons next to your cash register?  I would happily take a second of my time to high-five a blue glowing thumbs up button if I knew I wouldn’t have to take home a four foot long receipt with different sections circled and your name scrawled across the bottom in a plea for me to rate you excellent.

If you work in retail you probably hate this more that I do and I truly empathize with you.  Getting a sales pitch, a guilt trip, a chore list, and a pocket full of paper when all I wanted to do was buy socks is totally weak.

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March 5, 2012

This Post is Brought to you by Public Restrooms

By Simon

Sweet

Blown Away 

Public restrooms aren’t much for excitement beyond the obvious relief they bring.  That is, however, until I see one of those Xlerator hand dryers.  How awesome are those?  The automated towel dispenser lost its luster quickly and the Jedi like sinks that you wave your hand under to turn on are a pain.  The turbo hand dryer though, is totally sweet.  If I see a regular old hand dryer in your restroom, you can be sure that I am leaving with equal parts damp hands and disappointment.  But if you have one of those turbo hand dryers I can’t wait to put my hands under it and watch the skin on my hands almost blow off.  I haven’t tried it yet but I bet if you bend down and look up into that thing it is a lot like skydiving.

Finding a little piece of awesome in unexpected places is totally sweet.

 

 

Weak

Do You Guys Sell Hand Sanitizer?  

via Wikipedia

Most of the time a public restroom holds zero awesome.  In fact, I don’t think that I could stomach the travel portion of my job if I had to sit down in those places.  Ladies, I don’t know how you do it.  I have been told it has to do with dark voodoo magic and levitating. My hat is off to you for both the courage and ability to navigate a place like that.

I used to think message boards on the internet were the home of hate speech and filthy innuendo.  Apparently the founding father to this segment of expressionism is the Bathroom in the Swifty Fuel on highway 59.  I learn more stuff that I didn’t want to know from that reading material than I care to admit.

I will spare you from the detail of a particular encounter I had last week, but I will sum it up like this.  Sometimes I finish using the bathroom, look at the sink, and realize my hands were just touching one of the cleanest things in the room.  I walk back out into the store and look for a little bottle of hand sanitizer.  It may cost $7.99 but at least I won’t have to be shipped off to the CDC because of the unknown strand of monkey pox I picked up at mile marker 68.

According to the literature, a good time can be had there on Wednesday nights at 10:45, but I think it is safe to say public restrooms are completely weak.

 

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