Tag Archives: Random

March 12, 2012

Some People Don’t Have to Search for Their Inner Child

By Simon

Sweet

via wookieepedia

Being a Kid at any Age

I will be 34 years old later this month.  Perception of that age lies solely in the beholder as I am still a spring chicken to many and old man river to others.  I don’t have any issue with getting older and have been sporting that distinguished salt and pepper look for close to a decade now.  One of the reasons I don’t worry about getting older is because by now I have realized that there is a part of me that remains a perpetual child.  I do my fair share of grownup stuff like pay bills and taxes and schedule parent teacher conferences but even in a deep-sea of responsibility I cannot escape certain Peter Pan type tendencies.  I don’t do these things as a concerted effort to “stay young at heart” but I know that they probably help.  Here are some of the ways my inner child escapes no matter how old I get.

  • If I stop at the grocery store on my way home from work I still get the kid cart with the race car because, hello? race car!
  • Though not often down south, if I am ever driving and it starts to snow, I pretend I am taking the Millennium Falcon into hyper-space.
  • The only downside to two daughters is toy shopping, that’s OK though, I bought a suction cup dart blow gun last week that is suuweet!
  • BOO! If given the chance, I will always lurk in the shadows so I can scare you when you walk in.  Then you will slightly pee yourself and I will crack up.
  • Race Ya.  To the mailbox, folding laundry, cleaning up toys, I am always up for a good race.
  • Chasing the ice cream truck.  This is way less embarrassing now that I have kids with me but one day I will be frantically searching for loose change in my room at the home when I hear that thing rolling up the street.
  • Licking the spoon. (no explanation needed)

I could go on and on because to be honest I still probably do more kid things than grown up things but I will start the list with these and let you add your tips on staying young and feeding your inner kiddo.  I once had a dream I was licking frosting off of the mixing spoon when I heard the ice cream truck coming down the street, I looked at my wife and she said “race ya” and it was totally sweet.

How do you keep from growing up?

 

Weak

I didn’t Know That was There Until it Hurt So Bad 

via someecards

Man, I am getting old.  I know this because after working in the yard all day yesterday it hurts to type.  Yeah you read that right, my hands are sore.  As much as I may be a perpetual kid inside, there is no mistaking the fact that the new car smell has worn off and some of the features of this thing don’t work like they used to.  I often joke about the 20-year-old me shaking his head in disappointment if he heard some of the things I say or think today.  For example, I now place real value on something called a good night’s sleep.  There is no escaping it, somewhere inside of me is a cardigan sweater, the faint smell of Ben Gay and the desire to cut out things from the newspaper.  I hold that person at bay the best I can but here are some of the things that remind me that I am no spring chicken any more.

  • When people come over I want them to take off their shoes and stand on our new memory foam bath mats.
  • I researched toothbrushes online and read reviews.
  • I know better than eating too many cucumbers.  Ever get indigestion when you were 22?  didn’t think so.
  •  I know that if I took acetaminophen 3 hours ago and my back still hurts, it is OK to take ibuprofen now.
  • I know the names of different kinds of medicine.
  • Food guilt. (Like standing over the sink inhaling leftovers at 11:45 at night and not being able to look in the mirror later.)
  • WebMD isn’t just for finding gross pictures anymore.
  • I walk down the cereal aisle and think “it can’t taste that different and 43 cents can really add up.”
  • Having a birthday coming up makes me think about getting older instead of hoping I get a 4 wheeler.

Sadly, I can probably fill this list out faster than the first one.  What are some things that remind you that you are getting older?  Realizing it would probably be a good idea to invest in a pair of work gloves is totally weak.

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March 5, 2012

This Post is Brought to you by Public Restrooms

By Simon

Sweet

Blown Away 

Public restrooms aren’t much for excitement beyond the obvious relief they bring.  That is, however, until I see one of those Xlerator hand dryers.  How awesome are those?  The automated towel dispenser lost its luster quickly and the Jedi like sinks that you wave your hand under to turn on are a pain.  The turbo hand dryer though, is totally sweet.  If I see a regular old hand dryer in your restroom, you can be sure that I am leaving with equal parts damp hands and disappointment.  But if you have one of those turbo hand dryers I can’t wait to put my hands under it and watch the skin on my hands almost blow off.  I haven’t tried it yet but I bet if you bend down and look up into that thing it is a lot like skydiving.

Finding a little piece of awesome in unexpected places is totally sweet.

 

 

Weak

Do You Guys Sell Hand Sanitizer?  

via Wikipedia

Most of the time a public restroom holds zero awesome.  In fact, I don’t think that I could stomach the travel portion of my job if I had to sit down in those places.  Ladies, I don’t know how you do it.  I have been told it has to do with dark voodoo magic and levitating. My hat is off to you for both the courage and ability to navigate a place like that.

I used to think message boards on the internet were the home of hate speech and filthy innuendo.  Apparently the founding father to this segment of expressionism is the Bathroom in the Swifty Fuel on highway 59.  I learn more stuff that I didn’t want to know from that reading material than I care to admit.

I will spare you from the detail of a particular encounter I had last week, but I will sum it up like this.  Sometimes I finish using the bathroom, look at the sink, and realize my hands were just touching one of the cleanest things in the room.  I walk back out into the store and look for a little bottle of hand sanitizer.  It may cost $7.99 but at least I won’t have to be shipped off to the CDC because of the unknown strand of monkey pox I picked up at mile marker 68.

According to the literature, a good time can be had there on Wednesday nights at 10:45, but I think it is safe to say public restrooms are completely weak.

 

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February 27, 2012

That Thing You Still Have

By Simon

Sweet

The Human Highlight Reel

We all have something right?  An old sweatshirt, a hat, a pair of BVDs.  Something that we have managed to keep all this time.  It may have started as a fluke and just seemed to always be around and by now it has grown into an icon of years gone by and achieved shrine worthy status in your home.  No one understands it but us and even though it is worn and torn it has become one of our most prize possessions.

For me it is this sweet beach towel.  Santa brought it to me when I was a wee lad and it has stuck with me ever since.  How sweet is Dominique Wilkins dunking in all of his short shorts glory?  Things have a way of passing in and out of our life with little consequence but every now and then something sticks around.  I love this beach towel.  Not only because is has the Human Highlight Reel on it, but because it takes me back every time I see it.  Just like the smell of mothballs will always take me to the hall closet of my grandparents house where they kept the Dukes of Hazzard board game, seeing this towel reminds me of growing up on Azalea Circle.  Having a tangible reminder of a  memory is totally sweet even if it does have holes in it.  What is that one thing that you still have?

P.S. Remind me to dedicate an entire blog to The Dukes of Hazzard because little in this world is sweeter than that show.

Weak

Crying Digital Wolf 

Do you see what you are doing there Mr. high importance email?  I notice the trend, everything you send me has a red exclamation point on it and when I open it you are forwarding me a chain letter or asking to buy a box of Tagalongs from your daughter.  That actually may be a bad example because it is one of the few emails from you I have ever responded to.   What are you going to do when it comes time to notify us that you actually have re-formatted the TPS reports?  Do you have a dial that goes to 11?  You are crying digital wolf, my friend, and no one cares anymore.

While I am at it I should remind you that a read receipt on your message should just be called a click receipt because I don’t read any of them,I just click that box to make it go away.  I know that you have a voice and you want it to be heard.  I know what it is like to feel like you are drowning in a sea of cubicles but it is time to re-evaluate.  Are you trying to be that jerk that talks above everyone and always acts like what they are saying is the most important thing ever?  It seems like you are.  You don’t have to reply to all when your message is only to one person.  You don’t have to set up tons of auto forward rules so I get email from you on the nights and weekends.   I am not trying to hurt your feelings I just want you to take a second of self-reflection.  All of those extra email bells and whistles can be totally weak.

This message was sent with High importance.

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February 14, 2012

Hello There Resolution, I’ve Been Waiting for You

By Simon

Sweet

Hello There Resolution, I’ve Been Waiting for you.

Weak

Extreme Measures  

It was Sunday evening and our sweet little 16 month old angel was being anything but angelic.  She seemed to be trying to make a statement to the family that this was her show and we were lucky just to have supporting roles.  She was cranky and whiny and just couldn’t get right.  She didn’t want to play and the only time she smiled was when she was taking something that she shouldn’t have and throwing it on the floor when we said no.

She may be the smallest member of this family but on Sunday night she was taking more than her fair share of the pie.  Our oldest just wanted to sit and color without prying crayons from her little sister’s mouth and the evening’s soundtrack of constant crying and bickering was putting everyone on edge.

With nerves starting to frazzle is was time for dad to step up and be the captain of the ship.  So, I walked into the bedroom, put on a pair of khakis, laced up my shoes and decided to make a stand.  This kid needed something that we apparently weren’t able to give her so I got her dressed and we headed to church.  Sometimes it is in our darkest hour that we turn to God for help.

Luckily the church is only 3 miles from the house so we made it just in time for the evening service to start.  I carried our little one and a bag filled with diapers and juice and Cheerios for her to sprinkle on the floor to the church nursery.  I checked her in, handed over her gear, and gave the nursery worker an apologetic nod.  I should have slipped her a 50.

Then, without looking back, I walked out to the car and drove home basking in the silence and hopeful that the preacher would be long-winded.   Sometimes parenting requires an outside of the box approach and the next 90 minutes of monster free peace was just what we needed.  I said a prayer of thanks to baby Jesus and gloated a bit at my stroke of genius.

This didn’t really happen but when your kid is bad enough that you contemplate extreme measures it is totally weak.

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February 7, 2012

I Hope This Gas Station Sells Roses

By Simon

Sweet

Free Kittens

Parenting is a pretty amazing adventure.  I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and somewhere along the trail of Cheerios, runny noses, and snuggle sandwiches I think I have managed to learn a few things.  I have a friend that is preparing to become a father.  He asked me, the other day, if I had any advice.  This is what I told him:

  • A sleeping baby that is starting to wake up is like an eclipse.  Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
  • At some point you will be taking a shirt off your toddler and it will get stuck around their head because you forgot to unbutton the back.  For a split second you will consider yanking it the rest of the way.  You won’t because you aren’t a monster but you will question your value as a human being for even considering it.
  • One day your kid will learn to read.  Start working on your response to the “Free Kittens” sign now.
  • When your baby is in that “don’t you dare put me down” stage, the most fun way to cut up a frozen waffle is with a meat cleaver.
  • Realize now that anything your child brings with them to play with in the car has a 78% chance of never being seen again.  Ever.
  • When out alone with your baby in public you will think it is hilarious to ask another mom what flavor of Power Aid 9 month olds like the best when in front of a vending machine.  Your wife will not find this as funny but you should do it any way.
  • Unless you go all out with glitter and a poster board card, it is best not to mention that you sent a birthday message into the Sprout network.    The only fruit you will have to show for your labor is diminished DVR capacity and disappointment.

I told him that anything I didn’t cover in that list he could probably find in a book because that is where they put advice from people truly qualified to give it.  Being a parent is the best and passing along some pearls of wisdom you have picked up along the way is totally sweet.

Weak

The Last Minute Valentine 

Via Wikipedia

I wanted to go ahead and toss a friendly reminder out there to my fellow husbands.  Valentine’s Day is next week.  Now, when you are executing your poorly thought out romance action plan on the way home from work next week, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  If you do find yourself scrambling  at the last-minute, remember there is no time to launch an elaborate gesture of love and romance to your significant other.  Keep it simple.  Here are a few of my hopes for the last-minute valentine.

  • I Hope the gas station sells roses.
  • And not the kind that turn out to be rolled up red panties.  (Unless you are into gas station underwear.  If so, go nuts)
  • I hope you finish your heart-felt message in her card before the light turns green.
  • I hope you think of enough things to write in the card that you can draw a little arrow at the bottom signaling to the next page. ( I know as a dude when you see that little arrow you just think “great, more reading” but trust me, women love it.)
  •  I hope you remember that this isn’t your nephew’s graduation and putting a check for $20 inside the card won’t cut it.
  • I hope you remember to figure something out for dinner.  Don’t even try to find a last-minute babysitter and take her to a restaurant, that’s a suicide mission pal.  Just bring something home (from a place that doesn’t have a drive through).
  • I hope you aren’t one of those dudes with glazed over eyes standing in front of a mile long display in a card shop.  If you are, just get one of those long skinny cards (girls love those).
  • I hope you don’t, in an effort to save time, just grab a birthday card and scribble out the word birthday and write Valentine’s above it (girls don’t love those).
  • I hope you remember to tell her you love her and mean it.
  •  I hope she gives you a few chocolates free of the exploratory thumb poke on the bottom.

You don’t have to start planning now but just remember it is coming.  It may be a holiday manufactured by florists and card companies but she deserves to know you love her everyday, especially on Valentine’s Day.

It is hard to use the steering wheel as a writing surface for a Valentine’s Day card and waiting until the last-minute is totally weak.

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January 31, 2012

Its Getting Kind of Squatchy in Here

By Simon

Sweet

That Should Buy Me a Little More Time

Let me tell you about something that is awesome. You know when you throw something away in your kitchen garbage can and it is full? Yeah, we all hate that. What is awesome though, is when you muster up the fortitude to smash your hand down into the can like a human trash compactor and buy yourself 8 more inches of chore freedom. It is a risk that we all take and though it pushes the plastic fibers to their limit and increases the chance the bottom blowing out, we are ok with that. We have just created bonus time. The mind reels when considering the endless options of what you can now do with the 4 minutes of extra time you just created. I am not saying that I brag about it on Facebook or anything, but when I press that paper plate down and the top of the pile retreats all the way to the halfway point of the can, I can’t help but feel a little proud. Chore procrastination is totally sweet.

Weak

Nothing Says Reality like Bigfoot.

It took a bit of time for reality television to gain credibility as a legitimate television genre. Those days are over. I don ‘t even remember what it’s like to watch shows with actors and writers and stuff. I think I may have a problem. Everyone says that House Hunters isn’t bad and can’t hurt you but we all know it is a gatekeeper. I started slow, a little here, a little there. I knew people who were talking about it and hey, I will try anything once. What’s the worst that can happen? The cool kids are talking about Pawn Stars and Hoarders and I want to be accepted at the water cooler.

Well kids, let me set you straight. The worst that can happen is horrible. Last night I was up in the middle of the night like some strung out crack fiend watching a show called Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet. I know what you are thinking, I didn’t make the jump from something relatively innocent like 19 kids and counting straight to using the word “squatchy.” No, it has been a downward spiral of Toddlers, Tiaras, Little People, Swamp People, and Teen Moms. I don’t know if there is a 10 step program but after convincing myself that Bigfoot was, not only real, but in my backyard last night, I think I may have a problem. In fact, I am thinking about stopping my car payments just so I can get on TV on one of those repo shows. It’s bad guys. I was looking around the internet for a support group or a meeting or something but did you know that every episode of Jon and Kate plus 8 is on Netflix? Please keep me in your prayers and send snacks, I will see you in April.

Reality TV has gotten pathetically weak and I can’t help myself.

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January 26, 2012

So This is How Thomas Edison Must Have Felt.

By Simon

Sweet

Kitchen Serendipity 

Some days just seem to drain you.  After a long day at work the gauntlet of preparing dinner, giving baths, helping with home work, and trying to spend quality time together as a family can sometimes be intimidating.  From time to time on days like that we have a “whatever” dinner.  This is where someone eats leftovers, someone eats cereal, someone has a sandwich, and someone wanders through the cabinets and refrigerator on a culinary scavenger hunt.  That last person is usually me.

Most of the time I put together something quick and easy and on rare occasion, even fairly tasty.  Sometimes I will get in a little over my head and can tell that the vision I had for the meal is falling apart.  That is when I rely on my basic guy instinct and apply a little culinary duct tape.  Bacon.  If something is going south in the kitchen, bacon can usually fix it.  Wrap it in bacon, sprinkle bacon bits on it, or in extreme cases just toss whatever you were making and enjoy a plate of bacon.

Every now and then I have a moment where it all comes together and I don’t even have to rely on the duct tape of food.  A few weeks ago I went to make a sandwich and realized we were out of a very key ingredient.  If I had poured a bowl of cereal and we were out of milk it would have been time to back up and punt because there are no real options there.  On this occasion, however, the peanut butter had already been applied and when  there was no jelly I decided to go for it on 4th and long.  I usually would have just had a peanut butter sandwich and forgone any other ingredients but on this night I was driven by creative inspiration.  What I did next is fairly amazing.  In fact you may want to sit down and buckle up for this because it has the potential to blow your mind and rock the culinary world.   Once I tasted my creation I realized how Edison must have felt or at the very least the guy who invented the Sham-Wow.

PEANUT BUTTER AND RAINBOW SPRINKLES SANDWICH

You are welcome.

Totally Sweet.

Weak

Would you care for a some anxiety with that? 

Is there a more nerve-racking experience in life than being with your significant other in the checkout line at the grocery store and realizing that you forgot something but deciding that there is time for one of you to run and get it before the last item in your cart crosses the scanner?  It is one of the quickest decisions ever made.  The time remaining for the rest of the items to be scanned is quickly estimated and then divided by the estimated time it will take me to find the tin foil and get it back to the register and then in a flash I am off.

When I am at the grocery store with my wife, I am like a passenger in a car.  Although we both arrive at the destination I have no clue how we got there.  I was too busy goofing around and looking out the window.  I know the foil is on an aisle with paper towels and garbage bags and other non-food items but where was it?  I remember seeing it but have no idea where.  The hour-long zig-zag march has disoriented me a bit, I am tired and hungry and know if I waste the time walking by every aisle I will never make it.  I am on the other side of the checkout lines now, back in the sea of cans and boxes and I look back to my wife for some kind of helpful signal.  I need her to hold up a sign that says aisle 12 but instead, the look I get is more of an emotional cocktail, 2 parts frustration, 1 part disdain, and 1 part anxiety.  I try to clear my head and scan the signs hanging from the ceiling.  Somehow an aisle with 1,400 different items is classified by a sign that lists six.

Suddenly as if a ray of light parted the heavens I see the words tin foil on the sign hanging for aisle 10.  I dart in that direction and find the foil.  Luckily it is at the end closest to the checkout lanes.  Unfortunately there are 72 different kinds of foil.  I want to text my wife for her guidance knowing that somehow even for a product as simple as foil I would pick the wrong kind.  I start to scan the different varieties but there is no time.  THERE IS NO TIME!

I grab the roll closest to me and it is as long as my leg.  I am sure I don’t remember having something like this in our house, probably wouldn’t even fit in our cabinet.  I grab the next closest roll and I go!  Feeling like Indiana Jones running from a giant boulder,  I weave my way through the crowded masses holding the foil high in the air.  I make eye contact with my wife for a split second before they roll away and see her folding the receipt and putting it in her purse.

Failure.

I knew that the seconds had been ticking down and I was out of time outs but I considered a Hail Mary and throwing the foil to her across 3 or 4 other checkout lanes.  While that would have been awesome and other husbands would have told of my heroics until it became legend, I restrained.  Instead I walked up to customer service where there was no line, put the foil and a five dollar bill on the counter and was next to my wife bag in hand before she made it to the automatic door.  Work smarter not harder.

Realizing you forgot something while in the checkout line is totally weak.

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January 24, 2012

A Humble Thanks

By Simon

 

People that know me in real life know how humble I am.  Like super humble.  Probably the most humble person you have ever met.  In fact, if there was a humble competition there is about a 99% chance I would win by a very large margin.  If I was prehistoric I would be a humblesaurus.

I started writing this blog in September because I needed some kind of creative outlet that freed me from the restraints of 140 characters or how ever many lines you get in a Facebook status update.  I looked down at my statomatic thing today and saw that this blog has 507  followers.  In a word, I am humbled.

I can call it a creative outlet all I want but in the end I want someone to read it.  To relate or to laugh or to be entertained in some small way.   This has been a lot of fun the past few months and I hope that I don’t run out of things to say any time soon.  Thank you for reading, commenting, following, and sharing.

 

Cheers,

Simon

 

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January 20, 2012

The Mystery No One Enjoys

By Simon

Sweet

Squinting in the Rear View Mirror  

I log a fair amount of time sitting behind a windshield.  The amount of time I spend driving combined with my general disdain for it and desire to reach my location has resulted in more than one contribution to various state governments via their blue light collection agents.  A few weeks ago I was about 150 miles from home driving along and minding my own business.  Probably going somewhere between 5 and 10 miles over the posted limit.  I had set the cruise control and was changing cd’s when I looked in my mirror and saw it.  Is it?  I can’t tell, it is dark and they are too far back.  Annoyingly, I slow down because I am not going to chance it and they seem to slow down with me.  Following behind me just far enough back to make me equal parts nervous and agitated.  I wish cars with roof racks had little illuminated signs on them that said “not a cop.”

Finally the car passed me (probably wondering why I had started driving so slow).  As soon as I verified that it was only a roof rack, zoom zoom buddy.  Driving for miles looking in your mirrors trying to figure out if you are being followed by the police is not super awesome but that moment you realize it is only a roof rack and you gun it is totally sweet!

*Note:  I passed the car in the pic last week.  He probably thinks that blue duct tape is hilarious.

Weak

When First in Line is the Last Place You Want to Be 

Traffic in Atlanta is pretty bad so not much surprises me and for the most part I keep myself from wading into the deep end of the road rage pool.  Lately though, one particular scenario has begun to force my frustration into a crescendo.  If I am driving in the right lane and the cars in front of me suddenly come to a stop while the left lane is still moving I should be first in line to go around right?  But noooooo that isn’t how it works.  I come to a stop, exhale in frustration and begin looking in my mirrors to find the needed gap to pull into the left lane and go around the traffic standstill.  I see my opportunity steadily approaching.  After this green car, I am in the promised land.  The green car approaches and I gently ease off the brake and begin to sneak the nose of my car into the left lane when it happens.  Some jack leg behind me steals my window and leaves me in the dust!!

This is a time when being in the front of the line does not make you next.  The gap in traffic that you had your eye on gets to the cars behind you first and they could care less about you.   In fact what usually happens is the last car in line takes the window first and the proverbial jerk floodgates are opened so everyone can speed around you until it is just you and a stopped bus sitting on an empty street.   If you happen to be driving with your kids in the car, this is one of those times when a swear substitute like Mother Hubbard! comes in handy.  Stealing someone’s merge  window is totally weak.

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January 5, 2012

Don’t Feel Rushed by My Random Act of Kindness

By Simon

Sweet

Baby Smiles 

Have you ever seen a baby with a pacifier in its mouth smile?  The paci (as it is commonly known in our house) tilts a bit and you start to see the edges of her lips curl up until finally the paci drops to the floor and the smile becomes full born.  It is a pretty great moment seeing a smile like that and we can’t seem to get enough of it these days.  Our 15 month old little girl is bursting with new smiles, new words, and new personality every day.  Seeing a smile being born is totally sweet.

Weak

The Fine Line of Chivalry 

I think I need to get an official ruling from the judges on something.  What is the line of demarcation between “thank you for holding the door open for me” and “great, now I have to rush to get to the door because I am making you wait.”  I am thinking it is around 10 feet but we have all been there before.  You step inside an elevator or walk into a door and you know there is someone not too far behind.  Do you stand there holding the door like an idiot realizing they are still several steps away and see their pace quicken in obvious frustration that your intended kindness just flipped on its ear and now they feel rushed because you are waiting on them?  Or do you risk having the elevator close in their face as you fiddle with your phone to avoid eye contact while you are safely inside?  I have even experienced the awkwardness of holding a door open and realizing the person was farther away than originally thought and had them shout to me to “go ahead, I’ve got it.”  Or even better is holding the open door on the elevator just to have that person walk right by.  Yep that makes you feel like a winner, might as well just accidentally lean into the alarm button then step off on the wrong floor and look around before shamefully baking back in to complete your elevator trifecta.

Sorry if my attempt to do a nice thing and show that chivalry is alive and well caused you to feel rushed.  I guess me (a total stranger) standing there like a doorman as you walk all the way across the parking lot is a bit unsettling.  When kindness backfires it is totally weak.

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