Its Getting Kind of Squatchy in Here


That Should Buy Me a Little More Time

Let me tell you about something that is awesome. You know when you throw something away in your kitchen garbage can and it is full? Yeah, we all hate that. What is awesome though, is when you muster up the fortitude to smash your hand down into the can like a human trash compactor and buy yourself 8 more inches of chore freedom. It is a risk that we all take and though it pushes the plastic fibers to their limit and increases the chance the bottom blowing out, we are ok with that. We have just created bonus time. The mind reels when considering the endless options of what you can now do with the 4 minutes of extra time you just created. I am not saying that I brag about it on Facebook or anything, but when I press that paper plate down and the top of the pile retreats all the way to the halfway point of the can, I can’t help but feel a little proud. Chore procrastination is totally sweet.


Nothing Says Reality like Bigfoot.

It took a bit of time for reality television to gain credibility as a legitimate television genre. Those days are over. I don ‘t even remember what it’s like to watch shows with actors and writers and stuff. I think I may have a problem. Everyone says that House Hunters isn’t bad and can’t hurt you but we all know it is a gatekeeper. I started slow, a little here, a little there. I knew people who were talking about it and hey, I will try anything once. What’s the worst that can happen? The cool kids are talking about Pawn Stars and Hoarders and I want to be accepted at the water cooler.

Well kids, let me set you straight. The worst that can happen is horrible. Last night I was up in the middle of the night like some strung out crack fiend watching a show called Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet. I know what you are thinking, I didn’t make the jump from something relatively innocent like 19 kids and counting straight to using the word “squatchy.” No, it has been a downward spiral of Toddlers, Tiaras, Little People, Swamp People, and Teen Moms. I don’t know if there is a 10 step program but after convincing myself that Bigfoot was, not only real, but in my backyard last night, I think I may have a problem. In fact, I am thinking about stopping my car payments just so I can get on TV on one of those repo shows. It’s bad guys. I was looking around the internet for a support group or a meeting or something but did you know that every episode of Jon and Kate plus 8 is on Netflix? Please keep me in your prayers and send snacks, I will see you in April.

Reality TV has gotten pathetically weak and I can’t help myself.


About Simon

I am a husband and a dad of two little girls. I am a lone Y chromosome and am already planning my escape strategy to deal with the estrogen flood that is on its way. People say there is a lot of joy to be found in the simple things and I have found they can provide a healthy dose of anti-awesome as well. I am, in general, a pretty optimistic guy and needed a bit of a creative outlet; so here it is. Thanks for stopping by. View all posts by Simon

17 responses to “Its Getting Kind of Squatchy in Here

  • notjustagranny

    Simon!! you are a treat!!! LOL this post is hysterical.

  • theunforeseeablefuture

    Oh My GAWD!! I thought I was the only one who missed badly acted dramas with writers and actors… although I really wonder how much of the ‘reality shows’ are actually scripted…great post!!

  • The Hook

    “Reality TV has gotten pathetically weak and I can’t help myself.”
    I think half the world feels that way these days!

  • Stacie Chadwick

    I love the word squatchy because I love words that don’t exist until you make them up! That’s one of the highlights of writing. You are very witty Simon, looking forward to following you (in a non-creepy way) and finding out what you’re up to!

    • Simon

      Hey! Thanks for taking time from you FP whirlwind to stop by and say hello. I appreciate the kind words and rest assured there is a mutual stalking going on (non creepy of course). I really enjoyed finding your blog today. You make me laugh and you make me think. Now go back to your blog and reply to all those comments. Make the new visitors stick around.

  • mommywritervkent

    I was watching that same show, lol… It’s sad, there was nothing else on. And yeah I’m guilty, I watch House Hunters when there’s absolutely nothing else to watch on TV and can’t sleep… Why can’t anything half interesting be playing in the middle of the night… Anyways, great blog!

    • Simon

      Thanks! Generally speaking, if I make it past 11:30 at night I get a second wind and can stay up for hours. At least those shows always make you feel better about yourself.

  • skippingstones

    So today at work, I dropped my bit of trash in (face down) on the top of the pile and, without thinking about it (because this is just what one does when the trash is reaching the top), I stuck my hand in and pushed down. As my hand reached about the middle of the can, your post suddenly popped into my mind. And yes, it was sweet – I like to take out trash at work even less than I like to take it out at home.

    PS: I don’t have tv reception where I live, so I get REALLY sucked in to the Reality tv hole when I visit my parents or sister. I burn up some TIVO, then don’t have time to watch them all. And I just love House Hunters, especially House Hunters International.

  • Maggie O'C

    I love the kitchen garbage victory. I also recommend Breaking Bad and AND Storage Wars, Joan and Melissa, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (because I am soooo pulled together compared to those chicks!)

    I started with House Hunters, too. Next thing I know, I’m watching Ryan and Tatum. Turn back now!

  • SzaboInSlowMo

    I’m right there with ya’. Not only am I a self-admitted reality TV addict, but I find myself gravitating to the lowest denominator of the genre. In fact, I’m mentally working on a similar post. Just adding that so you know I’m not an idea thief, haha. I don’t know about that Big Foot picture, but I stayed up late watching the documentary on the tree people! If you haven’t seen that one, you really need to. Great post!

  • ethelthedean

    Laugh it up fuzzball!

    I too love getting more bang for my buck when it comes to garbage bags, but I have to say I’m more of a foot presser downer, than hand.

    And as the perfect antidote to trash tv, let me prescribe Breaking Bad (also on netflix) just don’t watch when the little ones are present.

    Great blog!

  • Mike is Happy


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