Tag Archives: life

Let’s See What Every Public Restroom in Our Town Looks Like

Sweet

Big Girl Panties 

You're basically a horrible parent if you don't buy your kid's an ipotty, I mean how did anyone live before these were invented?

You’re basically a horrible parent if you don’t buy your kid’s an ipotty, I mean how did anyone live before these were invented?

I say the phrase “big girl panties” far more than I am comfortable with but my modicum of machismo is a small sacrifice in this rite of passage known as potty training.  We’ve traded in Minnie Mouse pull ups for Hello Kitty underwear and so far so good.

I shudder at the risk of writing some mundane blog post that reads like so many all too graphic status updates we have endured on Facebook about the trials and tribulations of dumping the diaper.  I refuse to chronicle the occasional set-back and focus on the fact that we are no longer forking over hard-earned cash for it to get peed on.

I think that we, as parents, are usually so happy to be passed the diaper changing stage that it doesn’t dawn on us for a while that it really is the conclusion of the baby stage.  There is no stopping them from growing up so we may as well appreciate that their maturation can provide a bit of a break for us as well.  As a dad of daughters I could live without the daily 3 minute decision process of is she in more of a My Little Pony mood or a Tinker Bell mood to gird her fanny with but getting your kid potty trained is totally sweet.

Weak

I need to go  

Seeing this is totally clutch.

Seeing this is totally clutch.

Here is the deal, 74% of the time you hear a child utter the phrase, ‘I need to go to the bathroom” what it really means is, “I want to see the bathroom.”  I won’t discredit my sentiments from above that your child being potty trained is a good thing but ugh, can we go one place in public without visiting the loo?  Since that is obviously not an option could we please limit our public wanderings to places that have a family restroom?  I don’t mind navigating the potential minefield of taking my daughter into the men’s room but I think we can all agree that the family restroom is pretty clutch.

We have been to the restroom in every store, restaurant, post office (haha, it isn’t 1987, we don’t go to the post office), park, doctor’s office, and gas station in at least a 8 mile radius of our home.  I don’t shy away from taking my girls to the restroom out in public but it ain’t all roses and sunshine people.  Here is just a sampling of some of the thoughts that have gone through my head while fake potty dancing our way to use the water closet:

  • Please don’t ask about the urinals, please don’t ask about the urinals.
  • Oh good, an automatic paper towel dispenser, guess we are coming back here 14 times in the next hour.
  • Good thing we don’t need a special license plate to use the handicapped stall.
  • LOOK AWAY!!!
  • Sure, I will hold you above the sink so you can get soap and wash your hands and splash water because it is important to form a healthy habit even though we both know you just sat there with your hands clasped while I did all of the dirty work.
  • Honey, unless you are ready for her to start watching rated R movies, it looks like its your turn and let’s hope the lady’s room is more G rated.
  • It’s a good thing this kid can’t read (this is mostly on a road trip emergency stop at a highway gas station)
  • I think I put that paper seat cover thing on backwards.
  • NOPE, too many dudes in here = too many potential questions.
  • I already know that this is a false alarm but this is not the type of thing you risk.

So, we visit them all and hope for the best.  At some point they will surely realize that none of them are really that special but I think I know what their angle is. It is the nemesis of parent’s taking their kid’s to the bathroom and the crown jewel of children’s restroom adventures.  The water fountain.  Man I hate public water fountains.  Just as you finish the whole restroom experience and think you are free, you exit the door and your child’s eyes light up with the desire for cool, bacteria laced, free, public refreshment.  Not only does that water fountain present one last obstacle / opportunity for you to be a meanie head, they remember that water fountain and you can bet your life the next time you visit the location, they will want to visit. No one wants their child to be in diapers forever but that doesn’t mean that taking your kid into a public restroom isn’t completely weak.


A Humble Thanks

 

People that know me in real life know how humble I am.  Like super humble.  Probably the most humble person you have ever met.  In fact, if there was a humble competition there is about a 99% chance I would win by a very large margin.  If I was prehistoric I would be a humblesaurus.

I started writing this blog in September because I needed some kind of creative outlet that freed me from the restraints of 140 characters or how ever many lines you get in a Facebook status update.  I looked down at my statomatic thing today and saw that this blog has 507  followers.  In a word, I am humbled.

I can call it a creative outlet all I want but in the end I want someone to read it.  To relate or to laugh or to be entertained in some small way.   This has been a lot of fun the past few months and I hope that I don’t run out of things to say any time soon.  Thank you for reading, commenting, following, and sharing.

 

Cheers,

Simon

 


The Snuggle Sandwich

Totally Sweet:

Snuggling with your fam

Snuggle sandwiches.  Yesterday was a rainy Sunday and in my house that means you crack a window and try to catch a short nap while listening to the rain drops.  I had just put the baby down and saw my wife and daughter in our bed. I laid down next to my daughter and my wife and I each gave her a good long hug.  That is until a squeaky voice from the middle piped up and said “Hey breads! This bologna is getting smushed!”  How great is that?  Every family has their fun silly moments, the ones that will be remembered years down the road during serious or sad times that the mood needs to be lifted and smiles need to sneak their way into rooms that they weren’t invited.  I am keeping that one tucked away for just one of those times when one of them need it I will look at my wife or daughter and remind them of snuggle sandwiches and smushed Bologna.

Really Weak:
Urinal Talkers
I don’t know if the women’s room has stall talkers but in the men’s room there is a certain segment of the population that deems that moment in front of the urinal as their daily social mixer.  I love friendly exchanges and greetings and asking how someone’s day is going but for this brief moment, I am kind of busy.  I need to focus just a little bit and sometimes I feel weird talking to you with my hands…..er full.  Lets all just agree right now that the sink is the place to exchange your daily greeting and get your friendliness on.  I am not trying to be rude just focusing on the task at hand.  Deal?  Deal.  Let’s also stop pretending that the person on the other end of your cell phone doesn’t know exactly what is going on.  Seriously?!? do you want to risk having the potential sounds that go on in that room providing the background music to your telephone call?  You know who you are, guy in the stall taking care of business in more ways than one.

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