Tag Archives: parenting

Mr. Sandman Bring Me a Dream

I don’t think this classifies as sweet or weak but it was definitely weird.

Remember Me?

Doogie Howser sings Bring Me a Dream Season 4 Episode 10 (Vinnie deals with insomnia) You should click this.

I was in a city, Denver I think, and I was walking down the street with some time to spare before meeting the rest of my group at dinner.  I walked across the street and into a shop and started looking at clothes when I realized there was a particular theme to this clothing.  Kermit the Frog.  The shop had every item of clothing imaginable from formal wear to socks and underwear and they all had something to do with Kermit the Frog.  At the time this didn’t seem the slightest bit strange and I flipped through a rack of plaid green shorts as my attention was drawn to an old familiar voice.

I looked up and I saw an old friend that I hadn’t seen since high school walking up to me to show me the leather biker jacket he was purchasing.  It should have been odd to see him so far from home but we began talking like old friends and commenting on the jacket and how instead of a leather strap at the top of the zipper it had a green bow tie.  I noticed a girl behind him obviously flirting with him and commenting on his selection as well.  I also recognized her from high school but he acted like he didn’t even know her.  I should have realized that something strange was going on but didn’t find anything odd until I turned around to look at the shorts again and they were gone.  Everything was gone.  I saw two sales people both vaguely familiar rapidly removing the racks of merchandise into some sort of closet.  The room was suddenly empty and I was alone.  I couldn’t find a door to leave and a woman that once again I recognized pointed to a side door and told me I could exit there as it was the last door unlocked.

I walked out of the building thinking it was a bit strange but not unsettled in the slightest.  It was almost time to meet my friends and kids and I had a long walk ahead of me.  To my surprise a guy pulled up in an older red pickup truck.  It was a friend that I haven’t seen in close to ten years.  Again, we had gone to high school together.  I got in his truck and realized that he was part of the group of friends I was there with.  He told me that the group had changed plans and we were meeting at a different restaurant.  He said it was closer and really good and we started heading in that direction.  I fiddled with my cell phone and then looked down and saw my bare feet.  What the Hell?  Where had my shoes gone?  I had them on just a……I suddenly realized I had no idea how long I had been barefoot but was certain that I had left wearing shoes.

My friend said it was no problem and we would swing back by our hotel so I could put on another pair.  We pulled into the parking garage in the basement of the hotel and then suddenly I was in my room;  on my knees in a closet trying to find two shoes that matched.  There must have been a hundred shoes in a pile and the task wasn’t easy.

The door to the hotel opened and the room was flooded with people.  Some close friends that I see all the time, others friends from long ago that I haven’t seen in years.  None of that seemed strange.  My wife walked in with our oldest daughter and two other little girls who I recognized but I don’t remember who they were.  My daughter was crying.  My wife was glowing and telling me about a place she had found in the city that had all of these free games you could play that were very challenging but had great prizes if you won.  She had been there for a long time and my daughter was upset because the games were too hard for kids.

I guess I found a pair of shoes because the next thing I remember we were all walking into a restaurant.  It was open air in the middle of town and was a Mexican place I am pretty sure.  The waitress arrived and began taking drink orders, she talked to us all like she knew us because she did.  We had all gone to school with her years ago.  It didn’t seem the least bit odd that we had all shown up together in her restaurant.  There was a sudden rustle and I realized my wife had just gotten out of bed.  I peered at my phone and it said 5:44.  I had overslept.

This morning at 4:30 my wife’s alarm went off.  She said her clock said 5:30 but the TV said 4:30 and she asked me to check my phone to make sure of the right time.  It was 4:30 and we both drifted back off into dreamland.  In what seemed like about 3 minutes I was getting out of bed and rubbing my eyes.  What in the world kind of dream was that?  I walked into the bathroom and my wife was brushing her teeth.  We both commented on how fast the past hour had gone by and I told her that I think when a half-dozen people you knew in high school show up in a dream, it may be time to stop reading Facebook right before bed.


Some Like it Cold

Sweet

Leftovers for Breakfast.  FTW! 

Dear cold Soy saucy broccoli, how I love thee first thing in the morning eating you standing up in front of an open refrigerator without any pants on.  You know, in immediate retrospect, I think that the no pants thing might have been taking it a bit too far.  That being said, when I am concerned that my words haven’t quite hit the comedic tone I was seeking, I find adding something about no pants to the end never hurts.

I don’t want this post to take anything away from traditional breakfast foods and as a southerner, I  hold things like biscuits and grits close to my heart.  While an organized planned out breakfast is a thing of beauty, there are few things that this world has to offer sweeter than eating cold leftovers for breakfast standing in front of the refrigerator.  I guess you could go to the trouble of putting that pizza on a plate and sitting at the table but it is 7:30 in the morning, what am I some kind of weirdo?  When you eat it standing in front of the fridge it is kinda like it didn’t really count.

Last week we had some people over for dinner and my neighbor was kind enough to leave the spinach dip she made.  I thought about texting her first thing the next morning to tell her she had already made my day but didn’t want to sound like some kind of freak.  That cold spinach dip was the best thing I had eaten for breakfast in a long time.  Let it be known that she left crackers as well and I didn’t just eat dip with a spoon like some kind of animal. Cold Spinach dip was a nice start to a non-traditional breakfast weekend.  Sunday morning brought along another favorite but rarer treat.  The candy breakfast.  For the most part on Easter and Christmas morning I can trust that the first food I am eating  is chocolate.  Pretty awesome to proudly have peanut butter cups for breakfast with no fear of being judged, heck, you can even post a picture of your half eaten bunny on the internet and people will think you are some kind of hero.  To be honest though, there is one minor drawback to your breakfast coming wrapped in tiny pieces of foil.  It pretty much insures your metabolism and energy level for the day will be akin to a bottle rocket.  Lots of blast and fury out of the gate but just doesn’t quite last long enough to get the job done.  I couldn’t do it every day but twice a year candy breakfast is pretty sweet.

Weak

lobster pager (weak)

I love restaurants.  I worked in them for years and the whole idea of having servants to cook, clean, and bring me things  for me for about an hour has a certain appeal.  Lately though, I have been rethinking my approach.  You see we have a little one that is at that adorable age that she has decided she is too big for a high chair but she is still very capable of needing stitches at any minute.

We were at the beach last week for some spring break fun and as many do, we washed the sand out of our nooks and crannies and headed out to become slaves to a little pager thing that beeps and lights up to tell us it is our turn at the trough.  For the most part, everything was great but every now and then a dining experience steadily spirals out of control and sucks the joy out of a night quicker than a Cajun with a crawfish.  We had one of those experiences last week.  Having been there myself, I have an incredible amount of empathy for the restaurant business but sometimes you have to take a stand.  It is probably one of the weakest of the weak but last week I had to pull out the big guns and do something that no one wants to do.  I asked to talk to a manager.  Pretty weak.


Finding Your Inner Strength

Sweet & Weak

Roughing it

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you have to dig deep inside to muster the strength to go on and overcome sudden hardship.  It is in those times, when situations look hopeless, that families can find a way to come together and triumph.  With gritty determination, teamwork, and good old fashion gumption, my family came out on top this morning smelling like vanilla.  That’s right, vanilla.  That is because this morning’s metaphorical Everest was a 5:55 power outage and we held on tight and reached the summit together by 6:30 thanks to flashlight apps on our phones and a cabinet filled with half burned scented candles.

I will not make light of it (horrible pun), it is a difficult thing to look into your child’s eyes and explain to her that “No sweetie, I can’t turn on a kid show while we finish getting ready.”  With holiday scents released from our flickering light sources wafting through our humble abode, my brave little girl found the strength to occupy her time by sitting in the dark playing Angry Birds on the iPad.  She was scared and didn’t understand why the sink would work but the lights were dead.  It is in moments like this that a parent can take advantage of a real learning opportunity and share a pint of ice cream with his little ones for breakfast, explaining what life was like for people long ago.

I was truly proud of the resourcefulness  exhibited this morning as we made the best of things.  Make-up was applied by candle light and moose and hairspray saved the day as the flat-iron lied impotent on the counter.  Lunches were packed and coffee was replaced with caffeinated soda (even if it was a hard pill to swallow realizing the refrigerator wouldn’t drop the ice directly into our cups and we had to scoop it out with our bare hands).  Our problem solving was at its zenith as we continued to find a way where there seemed to be no way.  Garage door openers were pushed out of habit and the fear of our cars being stuck was quickly washed away as we remembered to pull down on the red hangy down thing to open the garage manually.  In a stroke of luck we even knew where a key was to our house so we were able to lock up behind ourselves to hopefully protect our possessions once the inevitable looting began.

As we drove down the streets of our dark subdivision you couldn’t help but feel a sense of community as parents escorted their kids to the bus stops flashlights in hand.  Somehow we all managed to make it out alive.  It may have taken longer to update our statuses relying solely on 3G instead of wi-fi, but we did it and we learned a few things along the way.  I like to think that our forefathers would have been proud of us this morning for pulling up our bootstraps and exhibiting the kind of determination this great country was founded upon.  In fact, I could hardly wait to share our story of overcoming hardship and roughing it like a real pioneer as soon as I got to Starbucks.

Sometimes a morning that starts off pretty weak has a way of turning out sweet after all.


Some People Don’t Have to Search for Their Inner Child

Sweet

via wookieepedia

Being a Kid at any Age

I will be 34 years old later this month.  Perception of that age lies solely in the beholder as I am still a spring chicken to many and old man river to others.  I don’t have any issue with getting older and have been sporting that distinguished salt and pepper look for close to a decade now.  One of the reasons I don’t worry about getting older is because by now I have realized that there is a part of me that remains a perpetual child.  I do my fair share of grownup stuff like pay bills and taxes and schedule parent teacher conferences but even in a deep-sea of responsibility I cannot escape certain Peter Pan type tendencies.  I don’t do these things as a concerted effort to “stay young at heart” but I know that they probably help.  Here are some of the ways my inner child escapes no matter how old I get.

  • If I stop at the grocery store on my way home from work I still get the kid cart with the race car because, hello? race car!
  • Though not often down south, if I am ever driving and it starts to snow, I pretend I am taking the Millennium Falcon into hyper-space.
  • The only downside to two daughters is toy shopping, that’s OK though, I bought a suction cup dart blow gun last week that is suuweet!
  • BOO! If given the chance, I will always lurk in the shadows so I can scare you when you walk in.  Then you will slightly pee yourself and I will crack up.
  • Race Ya.  To the mailbox, folding laundry, cleaning up toys, I am always up for a good race.
  • Chasing the ice cream truck.  This is way less embarrassing now that I have kids with me but one day I will be frantically searching for loose change in my room at the home when I hear that thing rolling up the street.
  • Licking the spoon. (no explanation needed)

I could go on and on because to be honest I still probably do more kid things than grown up things but I will start the list with these and let you add your tips on staying young and feeding your inner kiddo.  I once had a dream I was licking frosting off of the mixing spoon when I heard the ice cream truck coming down the street, I looked at my wife and she said “race ya” and it was totally sweet.

How do you keep from growing up?

 

Weak

I didn’t Know That was There Until it Hurt So Bad 

via someecards

Man, I am getting old.  I know this because after working in the yard all day yesterday it hurts to type.  Yeah you read that right, my hands are sore.  As much as I may be a perpetual kid inside, there is no mistaking the fact that the new car smell has worn off and some of the features of this thing don’t work like they used to.  I often joke about the 20-year-old me shaking his head in disappointment if he heard some of the things I say or think today.  For example, I now place real value on something called a good night’s sleep.  There is no escaping it, somewhere inside of me is a cardigan sweater, the faint smell of Ben Gay and the desire to cut out things from the newspaper.  I hold that person at bay the best I can but here are some of the things that remind me that I am no spring chicken any more.

  • When people come over I want them to take off their shoes and stand on our new memory foam bath mats.
  • I researched toothbrushes online and read reviews.
  • I know better than eating too many cucumbers.  Ever get indigestion when you were 22?  didn’t think so.
  •  I know that if I took acetaminophen 3 hours ago and my back still hurts, it is OK to take ibuprofen now.
  • I know the names of different kinds of medicine.
  • Food guilt. (Like standing over the sink inhaling leftovers at 11:45 at night and not being able to look in the mirror later.)
  • WebMD isn’t just for finding gross pictures anymore.
  • I walk down the cereal aisle and think “it can’t taste that different and 43 cents can really add up.”
  • Having a birthday coming up makes me think about getting older instead of hoping I get a 4 wheeler.

Sadly, I can probably fill this list out faster than the first one.  What are some things that remind you that you are getting older?  Realizing it would probably be a good idea to invest in a pair of work gloves is totally weak.


Hello There Resolution, I’ve Been Waiting for You

Sweet

Hello There Resolution, I’ve Been Waiting for you.

Weak

Extreme Measures  

It was Sunday evening and our sweet little 16 month old angel was being anything but angelic.  She seemed to be trying to make a statement to the family that this was her show and we were lucky just to have supporting roles.  She was cranky and whiny and just couldn’t get right.  She didn’t want to play and the only time she smiled was when she was taking something that she shouldn’t have and throwing it on the floor when we said no.

She may be the smallest member of this family but on Sunday night she was taking more than her fair share of the pie.  Our oldest just wanted to sit and color without prying crayons from her little sister’s mouth and the evening’s soundtrack of constant crying and bickering was putting everyone on edge.

With nerves starting to frazzle is was time for dad to step up and be the captain of the ship.  So, I walked into the bedroom, put on a pair of khakis, laced up my shoes and decided to make a stand.  This kid needed something that we apparently weren’t able to give her so I got her dressed and we headed to church.  Sometimes it is in our darkest hour that we turn to God for help.

Luckily the church is only 3 miles from the house so we made it just in time for the evening service to start.  I carried our little one and a bag filled with diapers and juice and Cheerios for her to sprinkle on the floor to the church nursery.  I checked her in, handed over her gear, and gave the nursery worker an apologetic nod.  I should have slipped her a 50.

Then, without looking back, I walked out to the car and drove home basking in the silence and hopeful that the preacher would be long-winded.   Sometimes parenting requires an outside of the box approach and the next 90 minutes of monster free peace was just what we needed.  I said a prayer of thanks to baby Jesus and gloated a bit at my stroke of genius.

This didn’t really happen but when your kid is bad enough that you contemplate extreme measures it is totally weak.


I Hope This Gas Station Sells Roses

Sweet

Free Kittens

Parenting is a pretty amazing adventure.  I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and somewhere along the trail of Cheerios, runny noses, and snuggle sandwiches I think I have managed to learn a few things.  I have a friend that is preparing to become a father.  He asked me, the other day, if I had any advice.  This is what I told him:

  • A sleeping baby that is starting to wake up is like an eclipse.  Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
  • At some point you will be taking a shirt off your toddler and it will get stuck around their head because you forgot to unbutton the back.  For a split second you will consider yanking it the rest of the way.  You won’t because you aren’t a monster but you will question your value as a human being for even considering it.
  • One day your kid will learn to read.  Start working on your response to the “Free Kittens” sign now.
  • When your baby is in that “don’t you dare put me down” stage, the most fun way to cut up a frozen waffle is with a meat cleaver.
  • Realize now that anything your child brings with them to play with in the car has a 78% chance of never being seen again.  Ever.
  • When out alone with your baby in public you will think it is hilarious to ask another mom what flavor of Power Aid 9 month olds like the best when in front of a vending machine.  Your wife will not find this as funny but you should do it any way.
  • Unless you go all out with glitter and a poster board card, it is best not to mention that you sent a birthday message into the Sprout network.    The only fruit you will have to show for your labor is diminished DVR capacity and disappointment.

I told him that anything I didn’t cover in that list he could probably find in a book because that is where they put advice from people truly qualified to give it.  Being a parent is the best and passing along some pearls of wisdom you have picked up along the way is totally sweet.

Weak

The Last Minute Valentine 

Via Wikipedia

I wanted to go ahead and toss a friendly reminder out there to my fellow husbands.  Valentine’s Day is next week.  Now, when you are executing your poorly thought out romance action plan on the way home from work next week, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  If you do find yourself scrambling  at the last-minute, remember there is no time to launch an elaborate gesture of love and romance to your significant other.  Keep it simple.  Here are a few of my hopes for the last-minute valentine.

  • I Hope the gas station sells roses.
  • And not the kind that turn out to be rolled up red panties.  (Unless you are into gas station underwear.  If so, go nuts)
  • I hope you finish your heart-felt message in her card before the light turns green.
  • I hope you think of enough things to write in the card that you can draw a little arrow at the bottom signaling to the next page. ( I know as a dude when you see that little arrow you just think “great, more reading” but trust me, women love it.)
  •  I hope you remember that this isn’t your nephew’s graduation and putting a check for $20 inside the card won’t cut it.
  • I hope you remember to figure something out for dinner.  Don’t even try to find a last-minute babysitter and take her to a restaurant, that’s a suicide mission pal.  Just bring something home (from a place that doesn’t have a drive through).
  • I hope you aren’t one of those dudes with glazed over eyes standing in front of a mile long display in a card shop.  If you are, just get one of those long skinny cards (girls love those).
  • I hope you don’t, in an effort to save time, just grab a birthday card and scribble out the word birthday and write Valentine’s above it (girls don’t love those).
  • I hope you remember to tell her you love her and mean it.
  •  I hope she gives you a few chocolates free of the exploratory thumb poke on the bottom.

You don’t have to start planning now but just remember it is coming.  It may be a holiday manufactured by florists and card companies but she deserves to know you love her everyday, especially on Valentine’s Day.

It is hard to use the steering wheel as a writing surface for a Valentine’s Day card and waiting until the last-minute is totally weak.


So This is How Thomas Edison Must Have Felt.

Sweet

Kitchen Serendipity 

Some days just seem to drain you.  After a long day at work the gauntlet of preparing dinner, giving baths, helping with home work, and trying to spend quality time together as a family can sometimes be intimidating.  From time to time on days like that we have a “whatever” dinner.  This is where someone eats leftovers, someone eats cereal, someone has a sandwich, and someone wanders through the cabinets and refrigerator on a culinary scavenger hunt.  That last person is usually me.

Most of the time I put together something quick and easy and on rare occasion, even fairly tasty.  Sometimes I will get in a little over my head and can tell that the vision I had for the meal is falling apart.  That is when I rely on my basic guy instinct and apply a little culinary duct tape.  Bacon.  If something is going south in the kitchen, bacon can usually fix it.  Wrap it in bacon, sprinkle bacon bits on it, or in extreme cases just toss whatever you were making and enjoy a plate of bacon.

Every now and then I have a moment where it all comes together and I don’t even have to rely on the duct tape of food.  A few weeks ago I went to make a sandwich and realized we were out of a very key ingredient.  If I had poured a bowl of cereal and we were out of milk it would have been time to back up and punt because there are no real options there.  On this occasion, however, the peanut butter had already been applied and when  there was no jelly I decided to go for it on 4th and long.  I usually would have just had a peanut butter sandwich and forgone any other ingredients but on this night I was driven by creative inspiration.  What I did next is fairly amazing.  In fact you may want to sit down and buckle up for this because it has the potential to blow your mind and rock the culinary world.   Once I tasted my creation I realized how Edison must have felt or at the very least the guy who invented the Sham-Wow.

PEANUT BUTTER AND RAINBOW SPRINKLES SANDWICH

You are welcome.

Totally Sweet.

Weak

Would you care for a some anxiety with that? 

Is there a more nerve-racking experience in life than being with your significant other in the checkout line at the grocery store and realizing that you forgot something but deciding that there is time for one of you to run and get it before the last item in your cart crosses the scanner?  It is one of the quickest decisions ever made.  The time remaining for the rest of the items to be scanned is quickly estimated and then divided by the estimated time it will take me to find the tin foil and get it back to the register and then in a flash I am off.

When I am at the grocery store with my wife, I am like a passenger in a car.  Although we both arrive at the destination I have no clue how we got there.  I was too busy goofing around and looking out the window.  I know the foil is on an aisle with paper towels and garbage bags and other non-food items but where was it?  I remember seeing it but have no idea where.  The hour-long zig-zag march has disoriented me a bit, I am tired and hungry and know if I waste the time walking by every aisle I will never make it.  I am on the other side of the checkout lines now, back in the sea of cans and boxes and I look back to my wife for some kind of helpful signal.  I need her to hold up a sign that says aisle 12 but instead, the look I get is more of an emotional cocktail, 2 parts frustration, 1 part disdain, and 1 part anxiety.  I try to clear my head and scan the signs hanging from the ceiling.  Somehow an aisle with 1,400 different items is classified by a sign that lists six.

Suddenly as if a ray of light parted the heavens I see the words tin foil on the sign hanging for aisle 10.  I dart in that direction and find the foil.  Luckily it is at the end closest to the checkout lanes.  Unfortunately there are 72 different kinds of foil.  I want to text my wife for her guidance knowing that somehow even for a product as simple as foil I would pick the wrong kind.  I start to scan the different varieties but there is no time.  THERE IS NO TIME!

I grab the roll closest to me and it is as long as my leg.  I am sure I don’t remember having something like this in our house, probably wouldn’t even fit in our cabinet.  I grab the next closest roll and I go!  Feeling like Indiana Jones running from a giant boulder,  I weave my way through the crowded masses holding the foil high in the air.  I make eye contact with my wife for a split second before they roll away and see her folding the receipt and putting it in her purse.

Failure.

I knew that the seconds had been ticking down and I was out of time outs but I considered a Hail Mary and throwing the foil to her across 3 or 4 other checkout lanes.  While that would have been awesome and other husbands would have told of my heroics until it became legend, I restrained.  Instead I walked up to customer service where there was no line, put the foil and a five dollar bill on the counter and was next to my wife bag in hand before she made it to the automatic door.  Work smarter not harder.

Realizing you forgot something while in the checkout line is totally weak.


Don’t Feel Rushed by My Random Act of Kindness

Sweet

Baby Smiles 

Have you ever seen a baby with a pacifier in its mouth smile?  The paci (as it is commonly known in our house) tilts a bit and you start to see the edges of her lips curl up until finally the paci drops to the floor and the smile becomes full born.  It is a pretty great moment seeing a smile like that and we can’t seem to get enough of it these days.  Our 15 month old little girl is bursting with new smiles, new words, and new personality every day.  Seeing a smile being born is totally sweet.

Weak

The Fine Line of Chivalry 

I think I need to get an official ruling from the judges on something.  What is the line of demarcation between “thank you for holding the door open for me” and “great, now I have to rush to get to the door because I am making you wait.”  I am thinking it is around 10 feet but we have all been there before.  You step inside an elevator or walk into a door and you know there is someone not too far behind.  Do you stand there holding the door like an idiot realizing they are still several steps away and see their pace quicken in obvious frustration that your intended kindness just flipped on its ear and now they feel rushed because you are waiting on them?  Or do you risk having the elevator close in their face as you fiddle with your phone to avoid eye contact while you are safely inside?  I have even experienced the awkwardness of holding a door open and realizing the person was farther away than originally thought and had them shout to me to “go ahead, I’ve got it.”  Or even better is holding the open door on the elevator just to have that person walk right by.  Yep that makes you feel like a winner, might as well just accidentally lean into the alarm button then step off on the wrong floor and look around before shamefully baking back in to complete your elevator trifecta.

Sorry if my attempt to do a nice thing and show that chivalry is alive and well caused you to feel rushed.  I guess me (a total stranger) standing there like a doorman as you walk all the way across the parking lot is a bit unsettling.  When kindness backfires it is totally weak.


Creating a Person

Sweet

Creating a Person 

She was just a smidge bigger than a bag of sugar the first time I held her.  I took her in my arms peered out the hospital window  and showed her the sun rising above the Georgia pines.  It was her very first sunrise on her very first day.  The 364 days since then have been full of other firsts.   Not just for her, but for her parents and her sister as well.  We have grown as a family and gelled as a team.  In many ways she is still the boss of this household with all of her “I need to eat and can’t feed myself” and “Change my diaper!” demands that refuse to neatly reside on the outsides of our sleep schedule.  I told someone once that the predominant feeling when I became a dad was more.  After becoming a father you still do a lot of the same things you did before but for me they just all seemed more.  I guess a world-changing focus can have a way of accentuating even the most menial tasks.  When our littlest one was born I felt that same moreness but there was also a feeling of togetherness that has only grown stronger over the last 12 months.  I look back now and can’t imagine how things were before we all got to share in her joy and curiosity.  She seems to not only complete our little family but also add hope and possibility that we hadn’t even considered.  To say the least, I am smitten with this growing babbling toddling bundle of joy.  Tonight I only stopped squeezing her because I was afraid she would break.  She is one of my greatest accomplishments and even though I seem to have checked humor at the door in this post, I can already tell how much she loves to laugh, and that makes me swell inside.  I am a lucky man and today I reflect and look forward celebrating a first birthday of a little person that we created.  We made a person?  How sweet is that?!?!

 

Weak

Having your car worked on 

This post could write itself, as there are a litany of frustrations  associated with having your car repaired.  I join your dismay about having to dish over $350 to have my flux capacitor re-calibrated.  Parts for said capacitor always seem to have to be ordered from somewhere far away like Hill Valley, CA leaving you with another bummer proposition: the loaner or rental car.  If you haven’t needed to rent a car in a while you can rest assured that when you do a couple of things will happen.  Fist of all, the key chain for your rental car will be like something they keep behind the counter at a gas station you would never want to stop at to use the restroom.  Seriously, this thing can hardly fit in my pocket and I am fairly certain it doubles as a flotation device in case of emergency.  In bold letters along this giant key-chain it says, replacement keys cost a bajillion dollars.  I get what they are doing here but I would rather not have to carry one of those wheely briefcases just to hold my car keys. The second certainty when renting a car is that once you (or your spouse, probably your spouse) returns home you will realize that your garage door opener is still clipped to your visor at the repair shop.  This is a minor trouble assuming that you still carry a key to your house with you at all times.  Surely there aren’t people out there so irresponsible that they wouldn’t even carry a key to their own home.  I mean, depending on your garage door opener as your only means for entering your abode is not very well thought out.  What if the power is out or something?  Luckily no one does that so forgetting your garage door opener is only a minor problem.  No one is sitting in their driveway right now writing a blog post from their car.    Getting your car worked on is totally weak. I hope my wife gets home soon, I really wanted to watch “The Sing Off.”


At Home Dry Cleaning

Sweet

The Dryer  

This is the second reference to the dryer I have written this week so you Freudians feel free to judge  and explain what is wrong with me.  You know when you have worn a shirt and managed not to spill coffee on it?  It is one of the “good shirts” and it is sitting on top of the laundry pile having avoided the osmosis funk that lurks just beneath that top layer.  If this shirt is in the “starting rotation” I am not above getting a second wear out of it provided I administer a bit of at home dry cleaning.  Am I alone in thinking that 5 minutes in a dryer with a dryer sheet not only gets out most wrinkles but also pretty much makes a garment clean again?   I think that we can all agree that jeans don’t reach their optimal look and comfort until the third wear between washes but if you try to stretch that out to a fourth then you are just gross and lazy. While the jeans thing is a certainty that I would be willing to argue I have an inkling that I am not alone in the at home dry cleaning thing.   I am a big fan of the dryer and its magic ability to “freshen up” something when I am in a time pinch.  While I am interested if this is a common occurence in many homes that just simply isn’t conversation material during the fantasy football draft or bunco night, I do think it necessary to note that this works for outer garments only.  If you do this to socks and underwear you aren’t fooling anyone, you have missed my point entirely, and to be honest, I feel sorry for you.  Washing clothes in 5 minutes in the dryer is totally sweet.

Weak 

Not cursing in front of your kids when you stub your pinkie toe or step on a Lego.

I feel pretty certain that in the deepest dungeons of Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib there were terrorists in blindfolds and bare feet walking around in a dark room with Legos scattered all over the floor.  How is it that something so small and colorful designed only to bring joy and laughter to innocent children capable of inflicting the kind of pain that makes your extremities go numb and your eyes start to water?  In general we are not a family of potty mouths and I am fairly certain that our children have never been subjected to any foul language spewing from mommy or daddy’s lips.  That is not something that takes a great deal of focus or concentration but there are those moments when you kick the corner of the coffee table or step on a toy that is nestled in the carpet waiting for a victim that we have to think quick and be creative.  SON OF A BISCUIT, JEEZE OH PETE, MOTHER OF PEARL, etc.  We all want to be good role models for our children but when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic or the hoof of a “My Little Pony” digs into your heel we can be stretched to our self-censoring limits.  So I guess not cursing in front of your kids is pretty sweet but feeling like you were just stabbed in the toe with a rusty spike and not being able to drop a much-needed F-bomb can be totally weak.  What substitutes do you use in your house?


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