Tag Archives: family

January 20, 2012

The Mystery No One Enjoys

By Simon

Sweet

Squinting in the Rear View Mirror  

I log a fair amount of time sitting behind a windshield.  The amount of time I spend driving combined with my general disdain for it and desire to reach my location has resulted in more than one contribution to various state governments via their blue light collection agents.  A few weeks ago I was about 150 miles from home driving along and minding my own business.  Probably going somewhere between 5 and 10 miles over the posted limit.  I had set the cruise control and was changing cd’s when I looked in my mirror and saw it.  Is it?  I can’t tell, it is dark and they are too far back.  Annoyingly, I slow down because I am not going to chance it and they seem to slow down with me.  Following behind me just far enough back to make me equal parts nervous and agitated.  I wish cars with roof racks had little illuminated signs on them that said “not a cop.”

Finally the car passed me (probably wondering why I had started driving so slow).  As soon as I verified that it was only a roof rack, zoom zoom buddy.  Driving for miles looking in your mirrors trying to figure out if you are being followed by the police is not super awesome but that moment you realize it is only a roof rack and you gun it is totally sweet!

*Note:  I passed the car in the pic last week.  He probably thinks that blue duct tape is hilarious.

Weak

When First in Line is the Last Place You Want to Be 

Traffic in Atlanta is pretty bad so not much surprises me and for the most part I keep myself from wading into the deep end of the road rage pool.  Lately though, one particular scenario has begun to force my frustration into a crescendo.  If I am driving in the right lane and the cars in front of me suddenly come to a stop while the left lane is still moving I should be first in line to go around right?  But noooooo that isn’t how it works.  I come to a stop, exhale in frustration and begin looking in my mirrors to find the needed gap to pull into the left lane and go around the traffic standstill.  I see my opportunity steadily approaching.  After this green car, I am in the promised land.  The green car approaches and I gently ease off the brake and begin to sneak the nose of my car into the left lane when it happens.  Some jack leg behind me steals my window and leaves me in the dust!!

This is a time when being in the front of the line does not make you next.  The gap in traffic that you had your eye on gets to the cars behind you first and they could care less about you.   In fact what usually happens is the last car in line takes the window first and the proverbial jerk floodgates are opened so everyone can speed around you until it is just you and a stopped bus sitting on an empty street.   If you happen to be driving with your kids in the car, this is one of those times when a swear substitute like Mother Hubbard! comes in handy.  Stealing someone’s merge  window is totally weak.

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January 5, 2012

Don’t Feel Rushed by My Random Act of Kindness

By Simon

Sweet

Baby Smiles 

Have you ever seen a baby with a pacifier in its mouth smile?  The paci (as it is commonly known in our house) tilts a bit and you start to see the edges of her lips curl up until finally the paci drops to the floor and the smile becomes full born.  It is a pretty great moment seeing a smile like that and we can’t seem to get enough of it these days.  Our 15 month old little girl is bursting with new smiles, new words, and new personality every day.  Seeing a smile being born is totally sweet.

Weak

The Fine Line of Chivalry 

I think I need to get an official ruling from the judges on something.  What is the line of demarcation between “thank you for holding the door open for me” and “great, now I have to rush to get to the door because I am making you wait.”  I am thinking it is around 10 feet but we have all been there before.  You step inside an elevator or walk into a door and you know there is someone not too far behind.  Do you stand there holding the door like an idiot realizing they are still several steps away and see their pace quicken in obvious frustration that your intended kindness just flipped on its ear and now they feel rushed because you are waiting on them?  Or do you risk having the elevator close in their face as you fiddle with your phone to avoid eye contact while you are safely inside?  I have even experienced the awkwardness of holding a door open and realizing the person was farther away than originally thought and had them shout to me to “go ahead, I’ve got it.”  Or even better is holding the open door on the elevator just to have that person walk right by.  Yep that makes you feel like a winner, might as well just accidentally lean into the alarm button then step off on the wrong floor and look around before shamefully baking back in to complete your elevator trifecta.

Sorry if my attempt to do a nice thing and show that chivalry is alive and well caused you to feel rushed.  I guess me (a total stranger) standing there like a doorman as you walk all the way across the parking lot is a bit unsettling.  When kindness backfires it is totally weak.

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January 3, 2012

Am I the Only One Who Doesn’t Already Have 2012 in a Jujitsu Submission Hold?

By Simon

Sweet

Holidays: Unplugged  Image

Last night I built a fire in the fireplace that still had hot coals this morning when I woke up.  Last week I put together toys, played with dolls (2 daughters), watched movies, played games, and generally took a moment to enjoy all of the things that we spend the rest of the year working hard to take care of.  In a word, it was glorious.  In fact some time last week I posted on Facebook that the whole “not going to work” thing just felt so right it was probably God’s will.

It is important to take a moment and just be with your family and I am grateful that I was able to do that.  We all work so hard to support and provide that if we don’t take a minute sometimes to enjoy it we can forget the big picture of why we do what we do.  Not to mention, I needed the week off between Christmas and New Year’s along with a razor knife, a screwdriver, some wire cutters and a pry-bar, just to free my daughter’s presents from their packaging.  Can we all agree that it has gotten a bit out of hand?

I hope all of you had a safe and happy holiday and remembered that spending time with the ones you work so hard for is totally sweet.

 

 

Weak Image

I am Glad you are Kicking 2012 in the Face But it Just Kinda Feels Like a Monday to Me.

I am a big fan of fresh starts and setting goals and getting motivated.  That being said, on the morning of January 1, 2012, I still needed to clean my closet.  I still needed to take the trash out, and I still had 47 other unfinished projects at home/work/etc.

I think I am probably more of a 1st quarter resolution type of guy.  In college I just about always skipped the first day of class and in high school I rarely got there in time for home room.  I still learned the stuff (mostly) but I avoided all of the hoopla and rigmarole of “getting started.”  

There are definitely things that I want to do this year and things that I want to improve in my life, I also know that if I burst off the starting line in a dead sprint I will get winded and the rest of the field will pass me in short order.  Then I will get discouraged and just go make a sandwich.

So to all of you out there that don’t already have 2012 in a submission hold, don’t be discouraged, you aren’t alone.  Set your goals and follow through and make it a great year but don’t give up if it seems like everyone else woke up a new person in a new world because they didn’t.  They still need to clean their closet out too.  Unrealistic New Year’s resolutions are totally weak.

 

 

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December 19, 2011

Jesus May be the Reason for the Season, but This is a Solid Contributor.

By Simon

Sweet

Keep the “Chewy” in Christmas 

If you were to take Christmas trees, baby Jesus, giant inflatable Santas, It’s a Wonderful Life, Stockings hung by  the chimney with care, wrapping paper, yuletide cheer, and Mariah Carey’s Christmas album and melt them all together in the Wonkamatic, you would be left with Brach’s Christmas Nougat.  For me, this is the King of Christmas candy.

It is easy to overlook this gem because much like the babe lying in a manger wrapped in swaddling clothes, the Christmas Nougat is often out-shined by those treats that found room in the inn (or in this case, the end-cap of the candy aisle.) I am not suggesting that a simple piece of candy can save us from our sins but I am reminding you that just like the Son of God, great things can often be very unassuming.

So when you are out in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping dropping $8 on Chocolate oranges or Toblerones (has anyone ever had a Toblerone outside of December or an airport?), remember to take joy in the simple things.   The humble Christmas Nougat wrapped in cellophane and lying in the bottom of a candy dish is totally sweet.

Weak

I have a Secret (and it has nothing to do with Santa) 

Today I am wearing socks that don’t match.  Now settle down, it isn’t as if I am sporting a brown and a blue or a striped and an argyle.  I simply have on two black socks with a very subtle thread pattern that happens to be slightly different on each foot.  Maybe I am the only one with this problem but I would suspect that out there among the masses there are other households with secret bags or baskets full of misfit socks that have lost their way.  It is often an intricate recipe of sock eating spin cycles, rogue socks separating into different loads of laundry, and a dash of “I folded all of these clothes, no way I am spending the next 5 minutes matching this sock soup at the bottom of the basket” that result in the odd sock stash.

I don’t understand that when I buy 3 pairs of navy blue socks they all have to differ just slightly enough that I am shoehorned into 3 combinations instead of the much larger number of options if any of the six socks could be paired together (I have a friend that will tell me what that number is on the off-chance he reads this thing, but I am too busy comparing candy to the Prince of Peace to be bothered with mathematics.)  Fortunately for me, my pants are long enough to hide this slight wardrobe malfunction and I will remember  that whichever leg I decide to cross, will be locked in for the rest of the day in social settings.  I have been toying with the idea of just throwing away the whole odd sock bag and starting fresh this year with socks that are the same and have colored toes or something to make them easier to identify and match.

I mean, seriously, I have a degree.  I have an important job in a professional setting, other people don’t do this right?  Standing in the laundry room barefoot clutching 3 different socks in my hand and rummaging through a basket playing my own little version of Where’s Waldo is totally weak.

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December 9, 2011

Time to Decorate the Christmas Branch

By Simon

Sweet

I Think it is Leaning a Little to the Left.

There is no “real or fake” debate in my house when it comes to Christmas Trees.  I have had a real tree every Christmas of my life and have no plan to stop anytime soon.  I understand the convenience of only having to “put your tree together” but as for me and my house?  We will embrace the challenge of tackling the wild outdoors and domesticating a part of Mother Nature to put into our living room for a month.  I really love everything about the entire process;  from picking out the right one, to stringing the lights, to vacuuming up needles and scrubbing the sap off your hands with that grainy soap that hurts.

I can remember as a kid how going out to find a Christmas Tree was a huge part of the season for our family and we always had a real one.  Even during times when money was tight, dad would just kind of leave the house one afternoon with a bow saw and come back an hour later with a Christmas (ish) Tree.   I learned two great Christmas tree tips from my dad growing up.  The first being that the best time to pick out a Christmas Tree is on a cold rainy day in early December because you will have the pick of the lot and not have to compete with anyone else being there.  The second piece of advice (and one I have truly taken to heart) is that the only way you can be sure that you don’t end up with wasted space between the top of your Christmas tree and your ceiling is to start with something a smidge too big and work your way from there.  I am fortunate enough to have a house with vaulted ceilings in the living room now (because it was a strict selection criteria for this exact purpose) and I love filling that usually empty space with 12 feet of wilderness.  From the wrestle to get it up and straight, to finding the “front”, to being in your own real live vacuum commercial every day sucking up needles, having a (huge) live Christmas Tree is totally sweet.

P.S.

The title of this post is from a Christmas special I remember from childhood.  “Emmit Otter’s Jugband Christmas”  anyone else remember it?

Weak

I Just Saw that Thing the Other Day 

If any of you have any idea of where the remote to the TV in our bedroom is, any clues would be appreciated.  You see, around Tuesday of this week it went missing, and things just haven’t been the same since.  We have a likely suspect who enjoys picking up objects she can reach and carrying them around our house until she tires of the object and just drops it in whatever location she happens to be at the time.  The problem with this suspect is that she is impervious to my interrogation techniques.  Instead of being coerced to come clean with what she knows,  she just looks at me funny and mashes a handful of Cherios into her mouth, eating one and dropping the rest on the floor.  Then she smiles and talks some gibberish while I plead with her to tell me where she put it.

I hate losing anything and have an uncanny knack for knowing that I just saw something somewhere in our house and now have zero ability to link any images or clues together to remember where I saw it.  I wold venture to say that rarely a week goes by in my house without hearing at least one “I FOUND IT” being shouted from the basement or down the hall by the linen closet.  Sometimes we just accept that something is lost and know that it will turn up, other times we tear our house apart like our lives depend on it.  I hate to sound shallow here but losing a TV remote always results in the latter.  I honestly have no use for the television without the remote, to me it is like a bowl of cereal without any milk.

We are still looking for it, but thanks to the late Steve Jobs I am able to control my TV with an app on my phone so that is pretty clutch.  I am sure that we will find it eventually, tucked away in a shoe deep in a closet or mixed  in with a thousand other pieces of plastic in  her toy box.  Actually, those are two really good suggestions for places to look. sometimes I impress myself.  I guess until it does show up, we will continue to rough it like pioneers changing channels with our smart phones but not being able to control the volume.  Losing stuff is totally weak.

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November 18, 2011

Will there be Canned Cranberry, or Should I Bring My Own?

By Simon

Sweet

The Thanksgiving Sandwich 

I know that the Thanksgiving day meal gets all of the hype but come this time of year I start to crave one thing.  The Thanksgiving sandwich.  Either that night or the next day, cramming as many leftovers that you can fit between two slices of bread is the way I like to usher in the Holiday Season.

I am taking a break this year as I have been the CEO of the bird for the last 6 or so years.  Cooking the turkey can be one of those manly culinary exhibitions like making a pot of chili or grilling.  Last year I put a turkey on a giant Foster’s beer can and cooked it on an open flame just like baby Jesus intended man to cook.  But this year I am taking it easy.  So, since I don’t have to worry about targeting that 12 hour window far enough before Thursday that the store still has fresh sage but not too soon that it goes bad, I thought I would offer a couple of Turkey day tips.

1.Small servings.  I don’t mean, limit your intake all together but don’t fill up on the first pass.  There will be aunts people there that will measure their happiness and possibly some portion of their self-worth on who goes back for seconds on their dish.  So be a hero and start small and make several trips.  It isn’t like the extra walking is going to hurt.  Speaking of needing exercise, if you are a dude that could stand to drop a few lbs, this is even more important for you.  No reason for someone to feel like a failure because the fat guy didn’t even want seconds.

2. Get a can of cranberry.  It may not look too fancy jiggling there with its can lines wrapping around it but nothing goes better on a thanksgiving sandwich than slices of canned cranberry.

3. The sympathy scoop.  Don’t let anyone take home a dish that was barely touched.  I don’t care if you are 90% sure you see hot dogs and marshmallows in there, get a spoon-full.  Leave it for last then spread it out on your plate so it looks like you ate it.  Remember, these are the people you love, or at least pretend to once a year on this day.

4. Keep it classy.  Wine should not be opened before the Turkey float goes by on the parade.  (exception: if any part of the menu is being cooked outdoors an open beer is the most important cooking utensil regardless of time of day)

5. Wardrobe selection. You don’t need to go over the top here and show up in a Biggest Loser sweat suit but at the same time think ahead enough that you at least pick those pants that you are still “growing into.”

Last of all, say “Thank You”  and have a great time because eating until your left leg starts to go numb is totally sweet.

*note: not to brag but that is a picture of a turkey I cooked. (actually, that was totally to brag)

Weak

Holiday Haters 

I spend 364 days a year waiting for Christmas.  I get how that may seem strange seeing as how I am not an 8-year-old kid and stuff but that is just the way it is.  I get excited when they start putting Christmas decorations next to the Halloween candy and enjoy the buildup as much as any part of the holiday.  I really enjoy this time of year and not getting the strange stares when I pull up to a red-light with my windows down and Christmas music playing.  That was kind of awkward in August.

I get that the holiday season brings tons of angst and stress and the hustle and bustle is a turn off.  That being said, enough with all of the vitriol about decorations going up too early.  You are the boss of your own decorations and Christmas cheer.  Have you heard the new Justin Bieber Thanksgiving CD?  I didn’t think so.

I understand that I am a bit off-kilter with my love of Christmas and all that the season brings, but you will have plenty of time to vent your frustrations once the holiday madness begins and someone takes your parking spot.  Save your punches for the ring killer.

Hating on Christmas is totally weak.

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November 15, 2011

I Want to Go to There

By Simon

Sweet

Christmas Catalogs 

They began sometime in early September, when flip-flops were still the go to option and bathing suits were still hanging on the shower curtain rod.  Yes, I am talking about the Christmas catalogs.  L.L. Bean,Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and all of those other books that show up in your mailbox making you want to put on a sweater, move to a cabin in Vermont, and drink hot cocoa.  I live in Georgia, yet every year I get dangerously close to ordering snow shoes or a mitten ice scraper just because the people in those catalogs look so dang happy.  They appear to live in the land of flannel and Prozac and it looks like a pretty sweet deal to me.  I would estimate that over the last 2.5 months we have received almost an entire tree’s worth of paper one mailbox load at a time.  It is quite a bit to keep up with and our recycling bin needs a breather.   Regardless of whether we order anything or not, they just keep coming and along with them dreams of blissful winter mornings, polar fleece everything, and trees that flow with syrup for your fresh made tower of flapjacks.  While their delivery frequency is overwhelming, and I will never find that much joy in lacing up a pair of duck boots, every now and then, it is nice to let your mind wander to a special place where snow is only for snowmen and flannel lined jeans won’t make you sweat your @#$ off.  Christmas catalogs?  Pretty Sweet.

Weak

The Cleaning Rampage 

I am sure that anyone reading this always keeps their house in perfect order and has never felt the need to straighten up a bit before company shows up.  But if by chance, you and I have more in common than a love of gum and a propensity to forget about garbage day, then you may have taken part in a cleaning rampage.  Or more realistically, a hiding rampage.  For example, ever crammed dirty dishes into a dishwasher full of clean dishes just to get them out of the sink?  Ever hid a laundry basket of clothes in your bathtub?  Ever dust a shelf with your bare hand?  No, just me?  Awkward.

Not that we are ashamed of the way that we live, but there is no need to exhibit a week’s worth of mail piled on the kitchen counter, or so many random shoes lying around it looks like your house had its very own rapture.  Do you really think that raptured bodies will leave their Crocs behind?  Will people who wear Crocs even go in the rapture?  Those are probably questions for a different blog, but you know what I mean.  The cleaning rampage where you gather arm-loads of stuff, dump it into the closet, shut the door and light a candle or two.  I think I am probably so good at hiding Easter eggs because I get practice all year-long finding places to stash random clutter in our house moments before the doorbell rings.  My wife is not a huge fan of this behavior since the answer to 99% of the “where is” questions in our house are answered with “the laundry room.”  Unless the rest of the world really does live inside the pages of the Pottery Barn catalog, I think that I am not alone in the occasional cleaning rampage.  But alas, stashing a stack of mail in your sock drawer, is totally weak.

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November 7, 2011

Honey, have you seen the Fondue set or the Electric Wok?

By Simon

Sweet

The Trash Brag 

Ever drive through your neighborhood and see a giant flat screen TV box sitting out by someone’s garbage can the day before pick-up?  If you are like me, you instantly find yourself jealous of someone’s garbage.  Buying a new TV is a banner event in a man’s life.  Hours of research combined with months or years of longing finally bear fruit one day and the purchase is made.  I told someone the other day that every time I go to a store with my family I always get sad once we pass the electronics section.

We have all seen him, or hopefully been him at some point in our lives.  Walking through the store with a huge TV box that can  only be transported by one of those sweet pallet things from the back.  That guy has a silly smirk on his face like a hunter that just bagged a prize buck and now gets to parade his trophy through the masses.  I always give that guy a respectful nod and see that smirk break into a full born smile.  Yes buying a giant TV is a momentous occasion.  It is the kind of thing that you want to share with the world but no one likes a bragger.  So instead of driving it around to your friend’s houses to let them see it like a brand new car, we bring it home, bask in the ceremonial un-boxing.  Hook it up, play with the remote, read the manual, go back online and read more reviews about it, and then, drag the trophy box out to the curb.  It isn’t crass and braggadocious, I mean you have to get rid of the box.  But we all know that the neighbors driving by will admire it, At least I will.  So put it out there with pride new TV guy, and I will squint as I drive by to read what features your new prize contains, because on the day that you buy a new TV, you are a man among men, even if you are wearing silly 3D glasses.

Putting the box from a new TV out by the trash is totally sweet.

Weak

The Cabinet that Time Forgot 

An old fondue set, a George Foreman grill, a wine bottle holder in the shape of a bicycle and a Christmas cookie tin.  What lives in the cabinet above your refrigerator?  I don’t know that there is a better use for the space above your refrigerator, maybe taking out the cabinets so you can put a giant TV on top of your fridge, but let’s be honest.  Those cabinets are a wasteland of stuff you don’t use, don’t need, and don’t remember are even there.

If you do keep something up there that you plan on using, you need a step-ladder or at least a sturdy dining room chair to get to them.  Once up there you have to deal with the project of moving the junk that has somehow accumulated on top of the refrigerator because you can’t even open the cabinet door without knocking over a two liter that has managed to maintain its place in your home months after those family members came over to celebrate your daughter’s pre-school graduation.  I guess we all need a place to put that slap chop and magic bullet blender, but rest assured that anything that finds itself being relegated to the cabinet above your refrigerator knows they have just been put into domestic purgatory.  It is the holding zone between the lower cabinet next to the stove and a garage sale.  Enjoy your time up there, hamburger shaped serving tray and quesadilla maker, because come tax season I will be needing a Goodwill receipt, and that donation has your name all over it.

The cabinet above your fridge as a usable storage application?  Totally weak.

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October 3, 2011

Creating a Person

By Simon

Sweet

Creating a Person 

She was just a smidge bigger than a bag of sugar the first time I held her.  I took her in my arms peered out the hospital window  and showed her the sun rising above the Georgia pines.  It was her very first sunrise on her very first day.  The 364 days since then have been full of other firsts.   Not just for her, but for her parents and her sister as well.  We have grown as a family and gelled as a team.  In many ways she is still the boss of this household with all of her “I need to eat and can’t feed myself” and “Change my diaper!” demands that refuse to neatly reside on the outsides of our sleep schedule.  I told someone once that the predominant feeling when I became a dad was more.  After becoming a father you still do a lot of the same things you did before but for me they just all seemed more.  I guess a world-changing focus can have a way of accentuating even the most menial tasks.  When our littlest one was born I felt that same moreness but there was also a feeling of togetherness that has only grown stronger over the last 12 months.  I look back now and can’t imagine how things were before we all got to share in her joy and curiosity.  She seems to not only complete our little family but also add hope and possibility that we hadn’t even considered.  To say the least, I am smitten with this growing babbling toddling bundle of joy.  Tonight I only stopped squeezing her because I was afraid she would break.  She is one of my greatest accomplishments and even though I seem to have checked humor at the door in this post, I can already tell how much she loves to laugh, and that makes me swell inside.  I am a lucky man and today I reflect and look forward celebrating a first birthday of a little person that we created.  We made a person?  How sweet is that?!?!

 

Weak

Having your car worked on 

This post could write itself, as there are a litany of frustrations  associated with having your car repaired.  I join your dismay about having to dish over $350 to have my flux capacitor re-calibrated.  Parts for said capacitor always seem to have to be ordered from somewhere far away like Hill Valley, CA leaving you with another bummer proposition: the loaner or rental car.  If you haven’t needed to rent a car in a while you can rest assured that when you do a couple of things will happen.  Fist of all, the key chain for your rental car will be like something they keep behind the counter at a gas station you would never want to stop at to use the restroom.  Seriously, this thing can hardly fit in my pocket and I am fairly certain it doubles as a flotation device in case of emergency.  In bold letters along this giant key-chain it says, replacement keys cost a bajillion dollars.  I get what they are doing here but I would rather not have to carry one of those wheely briefcases just to hold my car keys. The second certainty when renting a car is that once you (or your spouse, probably your spouse) returns home you will realize that your garage door opener is still clipped to your visor at the repair shop.  This is a minor trouble assuming that you still carry a key to your house with you at all times.  Surely there aren’t people out there so irresponsible that they wouldn’t even carry a key to their own home.  I mean, depending on your garage door opener as your only means for entering your abode is not very well thought out.  What if the power is out or something?  Luckily no one does that so forgetting your garage door opener is only a minor problem.  No one is sitting in their driveway right now writing a blog post from their car.    Getting your car worked on is totally weak. I hope my wife gets home soon, I really wanted to watch “The Sing Off.”

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September 29, 2011

At Home Dry Cleaning

By Simon

Sweet

The Dryer  

This is the second reference to the dryer I have written this week so you Freudians feel free to judge  and explain what is wrong with me.  You know when you have worn a shirt and managed not to spill coffee on it?  It is one of the “good shirts” and it is sitting on top of the laundry pile having avoided the osmosis funk that lurks just beneath that top layer.  If this shirt is in the “starting rotation” I am not above getting a second wear out of it provided I administer a bit of at home dry cleaning.  Am I alone in thinking that 5 minutes in a dryer with a dryer sheet not only gets out most wrinkles but also pretty much makes a garment clean again?   I think that we can all agree that jeans don’t reach their optimal look and comfort until the third wear between washes but if you try to stretch that out to a fourth then you are just gross and lazy. While the jeans thing is a certainty that I would be willing to argue I have an inkling that I am not alone in the at home dry cleaning thing.   I am a big fan of the dryer and its magic ability to “freshen up” something when I am in a time pinch.  While I am interested if this is a common occurence in many homes that just simply isn’t conversation material during the fantasy football draft or bunco night, I do think it necessary to note that this works for outer garments only.  If you do this to socks and underwear you aren’t fooling anyone, you have missed my point entirely, and to be honest, I feel sorry for you.  Washing clothes in 5 minutes in the dryer is totally sweet.

Weak 

Not cursing in front of your kids when you stub your pinkie toe or step on a Lego.

I feel pretty certain that in the deepest dungeons of Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib there were terrorists in blindfolds and bare feet walking around in a dark room with Legos scattered all over the floor.  How is it that something so small and colorful designed only to bring joy and laughter to innocent children capable of inflicting the kind of pain that makes your extremities go numb and your eyes start to water?  In general we are not a family of potty mouths and I am fairly certain that our children have never been subjected to any foul language spewing from mommy or daddy’s lips.  That is not something that takes a great deal of focus or concentration but there are those moments when you kick the corner of the coffee table or step on a toy that is nestled in the carpet waiting for a victim that we have to think quick and be creative.  SON OF A BISCUIT, JEEZE OH PETE, MOTHER OF PEARL, etc.  We all want to be good role models for our children but when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic or the hoof of a “My Little Pony” digs into your heel we can be stretched to our self-censoring limits.  So I guess not cursing in front of your kids is pretty sweet but feeling like you were just stabbed in the toe with a rusty spike and not being able to drop a much-needed F-bomb can be totally weak.  What substitutes do you use in your house?

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