December 5, 2011

Free Sample?

By Simon

Sweet

14 hundred hours, somewhere in metro Atlanta 

How do you know a movie you are watching is going to be good?  Favorite actor?  Good reviews?  Based on a book you liked?  Well for me,there is a litmus test that is tried and true.  Any movie that starts with the sound of a typewriter as courier font populates the screen telling me something like “16:00 hours somewhere in the Indian Ocean” will be a movie I like.   It may be cliché but  the typewriter intro has never let me down and I know when I see it that if all else fails this movie will probably have espionage, a car chase, and at least 3 explosions.  So basically, at bare minimum, not a waste of 2 hours.  I am not saying that all good movies start with the sound of a typewriter, I am saying that any movie that starts with the sound of a typewriter will be a solid investment.  In that same vein, a movie that starts with a montage set to some pop song where you see a person only from the neck down walking in and out of different shops and carrying different bags will probably be something you should just go ahead and stop now and use the next two hours evaluating your decision-making abilities.  To be completely honest, I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy and the great movies that use Christmas as a backdrop are one of my favorite parts of this time of year.  What is your favorite Holiday movie?  (what a cheap way to solicit your comments.)

 

Weak

Now what do I do with this toothpick? 

This past weekend I dined for lunch at a place called the Cajun Cafe.  I ordered “Cajun Chicken” and was then asked if I would like fried rice or Lo mein. What the heck?  You now get one guess on the type of dining establishment I was patronizing.  Correct, a mall food-court.  I am not certain when every place at the food court turned into Mandarin Express but I can tell you why.  The secret, my friend, lies in one small bite of saucy fried chickeny goodness on a toothpick being thrust into your personal space as you walk by.  Who turns down that little guilt free bite of awesome?  It rarely stops me dead in my tracks and causes me to drop everything an order a little styrofoam box of it.  But that sweet and tangy residue will linger on my palate long enough for me to give your eatery some serious consideration when decision time comes.  Inevitably when heaped in a pile into the big section of your to-go container it never has the same wow factor it did when the guy in the silly hat was out in front of the counter peddling his wares to the passer byes.  The thing about the free sample is that it always leaves you wanting more (that and toothpicks are awesome dining utensils).  One tiny piece of delicious chicken is just enough to peak our interest and not so much that we realize how “meh” it really is.  You can try asking for a toothpick and eating your entire meal with it but alas, you cannot capture the magic of a free sample.  Maybe it is a trend but for now, the next time you order a turkey sandwich or a gyro wrap in a food court be ready with your decision on adding an egg-roll for a dollar.  Cajun Cafe Lo mein?  Weak.

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November 25, 2011

The Time has Come

By Simon

20111125-131606.jpg

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November 18, 2011

Will there be Canned Cranberry, or Should I Bring My Own?

By Simon

Sweet

The Thanksgiving Sandwich 

I know that the Thanksgiving day meal gets all of the hype but come this time of year I start to crave one thing.  The Thanksgiving sandwich.  Either that night or the next day, cramming as many leftovers that you can fit between two slices of bread is the way I like to usher in the Holiday Season.

I am taking a break this year as I have been the CEO of the bird for the last 6 or so years.  Cooking the turkey can be one of those manly culinary exhibitions like making a pot of chili or grilling.  Last year I put a turkey on a giant Foster’s beer can and cooked it on an open flame just like baby Jesus intended man to cook.  But this year I am taking it easy.  So, since I don’t have to worry about targeting that 12 hour window far enough before Thursday that the store still has fresh sage but not too soon that it goes bad, I thought I would offer a couple of Turkey day tips.

1.Small servings.  I don’t mean, limit your intake all together but don’t fill up on the first pass.  There will be aunts people there that will measure their happiness and possibly some portion of their self-worth on who goes back for seconds on their dish.  So be a hero and start small and make several trips.  It isn’t like the extra walking is going to hurt.  Speaking of needing exercise, if you are a dude that could stand to drop a few lbs, this is even more important for you.  No reason for someone to feel like a failure because the fat guy didn’t even want seconds.

2. Get a can of cranberry.  It may not look too fancy jiggling there with its can lines wrapping around it but nothing goes better on a thanksgiving sandwich than slices of canned cranberry.

3. The sympathy scoop.  Don’t let anyone take home a dish that was barely touched.  I don’t care if you are 90% sure you see hot dogs and marshmallows in there, get a spoon-full.  Leave it for last then spread it out on your plate so it looks like you ate it.  Remember, these are the people you love, or at least pretend to once a year on this day.

4. Keep it classy.  Wine should not be opened before the Turkey float goes by on the parade.  (exception: if any part of the menu is being cooked outdoors an open beer is the most important cooking utensil regardless of time of day)

5. Wardrobe selection. You don’t need to go over the top here and show up in a Biggest Loser sweat suit but at the same time think ahead enough that you at least pick those pants that you are still “growing into.”

Last of all, say “Thank You”  and have a great time because eating until your left leg starts to go numb is totally sweet.

*note: not to brag but that is a picture of a turkey I cooked. (actually, that was totally to brag)

Weak

Holiday Haters 

I spend 364 days a year waiting for Christmas.  I get how that may seem strange seeing as how I am not an 8-year-old kid and stuff but that is just the way it is.  I get excited when they start putting Christmas decorations next to the Halloween candy and enjoy the buildup as much as any part of the holiday.  I really enjoy this time of year and not getting the strange stares when I pull up to a red-light with my windows down and Christmas music playing.  That was kind of awkward in August.

I get that the holiday season brings tons of angst and stress and the hustle and bustle is a turn off.  That being said, enough with all of the vitriol about decorations going up too early.  You are the boss of your own decorations and Christmas cheer.  Have you heard the new Justin Bieber Thanksgiving CD?  I didn’t think so.

I understand that I am a bit off-kilter with my love of Christmas and all that the season brings, but you will have plenty of time to vent your frustrations once the holiday madness begins and someone takes your parking spot.  Save your punches for the ring killer.

Hating on Christmas is totally weak.

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November 15, 2011

I Want to Go to There

By Simon

Sweet

Christmas Catalogs 

They began sometime in early September, when flip-flops were still the go to option and bathing suits were still hanging on the shower curtain rod.  Yes, I am talking about the Christmas catalogs.  L.L. Bean,Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and all of those other books that show up in your mailbox making you want to put on a sweater, move to a cabin in Vermont, and drink hot cocoa.  I live in Georgia, yet every year I get dangerously close to ordering snow shoes or a mitten ice scraper just because the people in those catalogs look so dang happy.  They appear to live in the land of flannel and Prozac and it looks like a pretty sweet deal to me.  I would estimate that over the last 2.5 months we have received almost an entire tree’s worth of paper one mailbox load at a time.  It is quite a bit to keep up with and our recycling bin needs a breather.   Regardless of whether we order anything or not, they just keep coming and along with them dreams of blissful winter mornings, polar fleece everything, and trees that flow with syrup for your fresh made tower of flapjacks.  While their delivery frequency is overwhelming, and I will never find that much joy in lacing up a pair of duck boots, every now and then, it is nice to let your mind wander to a special place where snow is only for snowmen and flannel lined jeans won’t make you sweat your @#$ off.  Christmas catalogs?  Pretty Sweet.

Weak

The Cleaning Rampage 

I am sure that anyone reading this always keeps their house in perfect order and has never felt the need to straighten up a bit before company shows up.  But if by chance, you and I have more in common than a love of gum and a propensity to forget about garbage day, then you may have taken part in a cleaning rampage.  Or more realistically, a hiding rampage.  For example, ever crammed dirty dishes into a dishwasher full of clean dishes just to get them out of the sink?  Ever hid a laundry basket of clothes in your bathtub?  Ever dust a shelf with your bare hand?  No, just me?  Awkward.

Not that we are ashamed of the way that we live, but there is no need to exhibit a week’s worth of mail piled on the kitchen counter, or so many random shoes lying around it looks like your house had its very own rapture.  Do you really think that raptured bodies will leave their Crocs behind?  Will people who wear Crocs even go in the rapture?  Those are probably questions for a different blog, but you know what I mean.  The cleaning rampage where you gather arm-loads of stuff, dump it into the closet, shut the door and light a candle or two.  I think I am probably so good at hiding Easter eggs because I get practice all year-long finding places to stash random clutter in our house moments before the doorbell rings.  My wife is not a huge fan of this behavior since the answer to 99% of the “where is” questions in our house are answered with “the laundry room.”  Unless the rest of the world really does live inside the pages of the Pottery Barn catalog, I think that I am not alone in the occasional cleaning rampage.  But alas, stashing a stack of mail in your sock drawer, is totally weak.

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November 7, 2011

Honey, have you seen the Fondue set or the Electric Wok?

By Simon

Sweet

The Trash Brag 

Ever drive through your neighborhood and see a giant flat screen TV box sitting out by someone’s garbage can the day before pick-up?  If you are like me, you instantly find yourself jealous of someone’s garbage.  Buying a new TV is a banner event in a man’s life.  Hours of research combined with months or years of longing finally bear fruit one day and the purchase is made.  I told someone the other day that every time I go to a store with my family I always get sad once we pass the electronics section.

We have all seen him, or hopefully been him at some point in our lives.  Walking through the store with a huge TV box that can  only be transported by one of those sweet pallet things from the back.  That guy has a silly smirk on his face like a hunter that just bagged a prize buck and now gets to parade his trophy through the masses.  I always give that guy a respectful nod and see that smirk break into a full born smile.  Yes buying a giant TV is a momentous occasion.  It is the kind of thing that you want to share with the world but no one likes a bragger.  So instead of driving it around to your friend’s houses to let them see it like a brand new car, we bring it home, bask in the ceremonial un-boxing.  Hook it up, play with the remote, read the manual, go back online and read more reviews about it, and then, drag the trophy box out to the curb.  It isn’t crass and braggadocious, I mean you have to get rid of the box.  But we all know that the neighbors driving by will admire it, At least I will.  So put it out there with pride new TV guy, and I will squint as I drive by to read what features your new prize contains, because on the day that you buy a new TV, you are a man among men, even if you are wearing silly 3D glasses.

Putting the box from a new TV out by the trash is totally sweet.

Weak

The Cabinet that Time Forgot 

An old fondue set, a George Foreman grill, a wine bottle holder in the shape of a bicycle and a Christmas cookie tin.  What lives in the cabinet above your refrigerator?  I don’t know that there is a better use for the space above your refrigerator, maybe taking out the cabinets so you can put a giant TV on top of your fridge, but let’s be honest.  Those cabinets are a wasteland of stuff you don’t use, don’t need, and don’t remember are even there.

If you do keep something up there that you plan on using, you need a step-ladder or at least a sturdy dining room chair to get to them.  Once up there you have to deal with the project of moving the junk that has somehow accumulated on top of the refrigerator because you can’t even open the cabinet door without knocking over a two liter that has managed to maintain its place in your home months after those family members came over to celebrate your daughter’s pre-school graduation.  I guess we all need a place to put that slap chop and magic bullet blender, but rest assured that anything that finds itself being relegated to the cabinet above your refrigerator knows they have just been put into domestic purgatory.  It is the holding zone between the lower cabinet next to the stove and a garage sale.  Enjoy your time up there, hamburger shaped serving tray and quesadilla maker, because come tax season I will be needing a Goodwill receipt, and that donation has your name all over it.

The cabinet above your fridge as a usable storage application?  Totally weak.

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October 18, 2011

Red Light, Green Light

By Simon

Sweet

Meg, How I love thee.  

I am not really one for multiple Hollywood crushes or movie star infatuation.  Yeah, I obviously had a thing for Samantha Micelli on Who’s the Boss, but what 12-year-old boy didn’t?  I do, however, make a rare exception.  The movie “You’ve Got Mail” comes on TV a lot and no matter what, if I am able, I watch it until the end and fall in love with Kathleen Kelly all over again.  I am certain that it is her girl next door appeal that gets me every time.  I am a sucker for it and lucky to have a beautiful wife with that same kind of something.  (Ok, now that I am finished with that sentence, back to Meg.)  I can admit that some of her attempts to stay youthful have yielded less than stellar results in the lip area, but she is still Meg and every-time I see Kathleen Kelly sit down on the floor of her apartment with her bowl of soup, my heart flutters a bit.

I wouldn’t be  true to myself to have a blog that talks about things that are awesome and not mention Meg.  I appreciate your indulgence and will see if I can’t think of something funny to write next time, or at least butch it up a bit with a post on the designated hitter or the spread option offense.

Meg Ryan, with short hair and a crooked smile.  Totally sweet.

 

 

Weak

Uh, Yeah; I meant to do that……  

You ever have a moment when you are sitting in the pole position (1st place) at a red light and the car on your left goes so you ease off the brake and begin to proceed when you realize they only had a green arrow and your light is still red?  No? Just me?  Great.  That moment is pretty weak and you can’t really play it off.  You are now sitting there with at least 58% of your car jutting into the intersection and the idiot behind you wasn’t paying attention either so he just filled the gap.  Leaving you hanging out there with no place to go and nowhere to hide.  If you have the courage to look around you will see your fellow drivers shaking their heads at you in disappointment or even gesturing to you with their friends and laughing at your expense.  If you are lucky, your light turns green quickly and you speed off leaving your shame and embarrassment behind you, but if it is one of those long green arrow deals you just have to sit there and take it like a man.  Maybe you could roll down your windows and explain that you saw a black widow  spider walking in front of your car and you were simply being a hero by killing it with your tire.   I think that some people figure out how to leave embarrassment back  in jr. high with dropped lunch trays and cracking voices, and some people wind up shamefully trying to sink down into the seat of their car counting the seconds till THEIR light turns green.  Feeling like an idiot is totally weak.

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October 14, 2011

It’s Raining Goldfish

By Simon

Sweet

Found Money 

Ever reach into a coat and find a folded piece of paper in the pocket?  It feels kind of worn and about the right size. Hopefully you pull it out and SCORE!  Found Money!  It doesn’t really matter what amount it is, finding money is awesome.  I tend to be inconsistent in maintaining a high level of overall organization in my life so this can happen to me from time to time.  It is usually a dollar or possibly five.  I have heard of someone finding a hundred-dollar bill, but c’mon, as long as they still sell fireworks in the state next door to mine you can rest assured that I will never misplace a hundy.

Another kind of found money that can be equally sweet but also wrought with potential ethical questions is the money on the ground.  Do you grab it at once?  Put your foot over it and casually look around, waiting for the moment to grab it.  I don’t want to be lying awake at night (wife rolling eyes again because nothing keeps me from sleeping) worrying that I just pocketed someone’s hard-earned cash but at the same time, how do you walk up to someone with a ten spot and asked if it belongs to them?  Pretty sure they are going to say yes.  I was once in a restaurant with my lovely bride when I saw a bill of some sort lying on the grown in the parking lot.  Too far away to make out the denomination, I got up and without uttering an explanation to my wife, sped walked out of the restaurant trying not to give away my discovery.  I got out to the parking lot and bent down to get it and the wind blew.  I took a few more steps and it blew again.  Like a seen from a Charlie Chaplin film, I chased this fluttering money around the corner of the building (which was kind of far away).  When I finally snatched it up and returned back inside I realized that they entire wall of the restaurant was windows and I had just competed quite the show for the diners inside.  I got a few quizzical looks and a couple of claps and returned to my embarrassed wife.  It turned out to be quite the effort for one dollar but hey, it could have been some serious fireworks money.  Finding money is totally sweet.  What’s the most you have ever found?

 

Weak

The Waterfall of Crunchies 

So I had a car in the shop a couple of weeks ago.  A car that we have kept clean and vacuumed and taken care of.  At least that is what I think until I go to remove a car seat.  I am not sure where it all hides but anytime I remove a car seat there is sure to be a bountiful harvest of goldfish, Cheerios and various other crunchies probably dating back years even to the other kid.  I think  I even saw a piece of a candy cane in the shower of debris that littered the area around my parking spot.

My daughter is currently in the stage of her life that we will remember as “The Trail of Cheerios.”  That means that the car seat becomes a black hole of all things suitable for toddler snacks.  So the next time you get out of your car and see an odd array of goldfish crackers, headless animal cookies, and some pretzel sticks, rest assured that someone just unhooked a car seat and that is what it produced.  Especially with onlookers near by, raining goldfish can be totally weak.

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October 3, 2011

Creating a Person

By Simon

Sweet

Creating a Person 

She was just a smidge bigger than a bag of sugar the first time I held her.  I took her in my arms peered out the hospital window  and showed her the sun rising above the Georgia pines.  It was her very first sunrise on her very first day.  The 364 days since then have been full of other firsts.   Not just for her, but for her parents and her sister as well.  We have grown as a family and gelled as a team.  In many ways she is still the boss of this household with all of her “I need to eat and can’t feed myself” and “Change my diaper!” demands that refuse to neatly reside on the outsides of our sleep schedule.  I told someone once that the predominant feeling when I became a dad was more.  After becoming a father you still do a lot of the same things you did before but for me they just all seemed more.  I guess a world-changing focus can have a way of accentuating even the most menial tasks.  When our littlest one was born I felt that same moreness but there was also a feeling of togetherness that has only grown stronger over the last 12 months.  I look back now and can’t imagine how things were before we all got to share in her joy and curiosity.  She seems to not only complete our little family but also add hope and possibility that we hadn’t even considered.  To say the least, I am smitten with this growing babbling toddling bundle of joy.  Tonight I only stopped squeezing her because I was afraid she would break.  She is one of my greatest accomplishments and even though I seem to have checked humor at the door in this post, I can already tell how much she loves to laugh, and that makes me swell inside.  I am a lucky man and today I reflect and look forward celebrating a first birthday of a little person that we created.  We made a person?  How sweet is that?!?!

 

Weak

Having your car worked on 

This post could write itself, as there are a litany of frustrations  associated with having your car repaired.  I join your dismay about having to dish over $350 to have my flux capacitor re-calibrated.  Parts for said capacitor always seem to have to be ordered from somewhere far away like Hill Valley, CA leaving you with another bummer proposition: the loaner or rental car.  If you haven’t needed to rent a car in a while you can rest assured that when you do a couple of things will happen.  Fist of all, the key chain for your rental car will be like something they keep behind the counter at a gas station you would never want to stop at to use the restroom.  Seriously, this thing can hardly fit in my pocket and I am fairly certain it doubles as a flotation device in case of emergency.  In bold letters along this giant key-chain it says, replacement keys cost a bajillion dollars.  I get what they are doing here but I would rather not have to carry one of those wheely briefcases just to hold my car keys. The second certainty when renting a car is that once you (or your spouse, probably your spouse) returns home you will realize that your garage door opener is still clipped to your visor at the repair shop.  This is a minor trouble assuming that you still carry a key to your house with you at all times.  Surely there aren’t people out there so irresponsible that they wouldn’t even carry a key to their own home.  I mean, depending on your garage door opener as your only means for entering your abode is not very well thought out.  What if the power is out or something?  Luckily no one does that so forgetting your garage door opener is only a minor problem.  No one is sitting in their driveway right now writing a blog post from their car.    Getting your car worked on is totally weak. I hope my wife gets home soon, I really wanted to watch “The Sing Off.”

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September 29, 2011

At Home Dry Cleaning

By Simon

Sweet

The Dryer  

This is the second reference to the dryer I have written this week so you Freudians feel free to judge  and explain what is wrong with me.  You know when you have worn a shirt and managed not to spill coffee on it?  It is one of the “good shirts” and it is sitting on top of the laundry pile having avoided the osmosis funk that lurks just beneath that top layer.  If this shirt is in the “starting rotation” I am not above getting a second wear out of it provided I administer a bit of at home dry cleaning.  Am I alone in thinking that 5 minutes in a dryer with a dryer sheet not only gets out most wrinkles but also pretty much makes a garment clean again?   I think that we can all agree that jeans don’t reach their optimal look and comfort until the third wear between washes but if you try to stretch that out to a fourth then you are just gross and lazy. While the jeans thing is a certainty that I would be willing to argue I have an inkling that I am not alone in the at home dry cleaning thing.   I am a big fan of the dryer and its magic ability to “freshen up” something when I am in a time pinch.  While I am interested if this is a common occurence in many homes that just simply isn’t conversation material during the fantasy football draft or bunco night, I do think it necessary to note that this works for outer garments only.  If you do this to socks and underwear you aren’t fooling anyone, you have missed my point entirely, and to be honest, I feel sorry for you.  Washing clothes in 5 minutes in the dryer is totally sweet.

Weak 

Not cursing in front of your kids when you stub your pinkie toe or step on a Lego.

I feel pretty certain that in the deepest dungeons of Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib there were terrorists in blindfolds and bare feet walking around in a dark room with Legos scattered all over the floor.  How is it that something so small and colorful designed only to bring joy and laughter to innocent children capable of inflicting the kind of pain that makes your extremities go numb and your eyes start to water?  In general we are not a family of potty mouths and I am fairly certain that our children have never been subjected to any foul language spewing from mommy or daddy’s lips.  That is not something that takes a great deal of focus or concentration but there are those moments when you kick the corner of the coffee table or step on a toy that is nestled in the carpet waiting for a victim that we have to think quick and be creative.  SON OF A BISCUIT, JEEZE OH PETE, MOTHER OF PEARL, etc.  We all want to be good role models for our children but when someone pulls out in front of you in traffic or the hoof of a “My Little Pony” digs into your heel we can be stretched to our self-censoring limits.  So I guess not cursing in front of your kids is pretty sweet but feeling like you were just stabbed in the toe with a rusty spike and not being able to drop a much-needed F-bomb can be totally weak.  What substitutes do you use in your house?

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September 27, 2011

A Major Award

By Simon

The last 4 days have been pretty crazy.  This blog has only been up for a couple of weeks and somehow found its way to the “Freshly Pressed” page.  I have been overwhelmed with the number of people who have wasted a click to stop by and read and have been very humbled by the kind comments and encouragement.  I have said before that these posts are the only things that I have ever written that weren’t “due” or on the inside of a greeting card.  I write these just to write them and the fact that there are people who are interested in reading it is very surreal.

I am very new to blogs in general and still learning my way around, but this week I am incredibly honored to accept “The Versatile Blogger Award”  from She Can’t Be Serious and Broke Wife, Big City.

Now this award sounds eerily similar to those chain emails you get because I am supposed to list seven things about me and then pass the award on to other blogs that I think are versatile.  I am not certain how I was deemed versatile since I have yet to write my post about how I spend summers entertaining street corners as  an ambidextrous oil painter and  opera singer.

As previously confessed, I am new to blogging  so I will need some time to peruse the internets before making my nominations but I wanted to express my gratitude in a timely fashion.

Thank you very much for reading and for passing the award along.  I am very grateful.

Oh yeah, here are seven things about me:

1. My desk at work and my desk at home still look like the inside of my 10th grade locker; I don’t know how organized people do it.
2. I fell out of a tree on Thanksgiving Day when I was 13 and fractured my pelvis, I shuffled around like an 90-year-old man for almost a month.
3. I really like saying Cheers, not just when I raise a glass but I think it is a great way to say goodbye.
4. I am pretty good at my job but there are parts that really bore me and I tend to slack on those. (I am writing this in my office).
5. I can’t imagine how much dumber I would be if not for the internet.
6. I own a guitar………I don’t play any instruments.
7. My wife read the entire Twilight series of books in like 4 days, now I have to compete with a fictional 17-year-old vampire.

 

P.S.  If you have any great blog suggestions that would be totally sweet.

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