Is it super lazy to Reblog something you wrote months ago? Well if the shoe fits I guess I will wear it. I like the idea of having interesting funny insight to write about on a fairly steady schedule but (insert excuse here).  I woke up this morning at 3:12 thinking it was time to start the day.  It reminded me of this.  It was one of the first blogs I posted.  Also I have never pushed that reblog button and my Y chromosome will only let me ignore a button for so long.

Simon's avatarSimon C. Holland

Sweet

Waking up before the alarm 

I am not talking about 10 minutes before the alarm goes off, everyone hates that.  That is like being robbed of your last ten minutes of sleep which are usually the best.  It is that part of the dream where you find the pot of gold or save the day and the distressed damsel.  What is totally sweet is when you wake up feeling like you have slept all night and it is time to start the day and you look at the clock and it is 2:42.  SWEET!!  That is almost like getting two nights sleep for the price of one.  Inevitably you will wake up late from your “second night” and not feel near as refreshed as you did at 2:42 but that is a small price to pay for that moment when you flip to the cool side of the pillow…

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Taking Off The Wedding Ring

Sweet

One More Please 

I just want one more.  I know it isn’t really possible now with all of the real life grown up stuff that I have gotten myself into but just one more time I would love to have that last day of school.

My daughter finishes kindergarten in a couple of weeks and my wife says goodbye to another group of third graders.  They are in full crescendo mode as mountains of paperwork are plowed through and teacher appreciation gifts are given and received.  They have their heads down in the trenches right now but they know it is looming.  That glorious day on the horizon when they finally get to exhale and and feel the weight be lifted away.

Do you remember the unadulterated joy of the last day of school?  Responsibility seems to evaporate into the hot summer sun and your mind is flooded with possibilities.  This will be my daughter’s fist last day and I will remember to encourage her to cherish them for the next few years.  One day she will be grown up and her concerns in June will go far beyond the watermelon juice dripping off her elbows and the swimsuit hanging on the shower rod still damp from the day before.

It is hard for me to imagine having every shred of responsibility suddenly stripped away and replaced with an entire summer of vacation.  The last day of school is the epitome of childhood.  I may not have any left but it is one area that I fully intend to live vicariously through my kids.  Just remembering getting off that bus for the last time and bounding down the driveway without a care in the world makes me smile.

The last day of school is totally sweet.

Weak

This was right after the carnage occurred.

So last week I read some blogs with clever hooks in the title, and being the unoriginal opportunist that I am, I decided to follow suit.  Last night I took off my wedding ring because my hand was so swollen it was starting to cut off the circulation.  You see, I got stung by a wasp yesterday and apparently I am a wee bit allergic.  In fact, I now have a right hand and a left paw.

I can wax poetic about all of the joys that summer brings but sometimes all of that awesome has a stinger.  You can rest assured that while the wasp won the battle, I won the war but still, this thing hurts like a mother.  Which (thanks to my smarter than your average kindergartner) is exactly what that wasp was.  Did you know that only female wasps have stingers?  Neither did I until I was enlightened by my 5 year old.  I will let you insert your own male female joke here as to not offend my core readership.   Did you know it is kinda hard to type with one paw?  I guess Summer would be too easy though if there weren’t at least a few obstacles to traverse so bee stings, bug bites, sunburns, and alcohol poisoning are just a few of the  “weaks” that we will try to avoid.  Did he just say alcohol poisoning?  Yes, margarita filled patios can come with a price.

As we usher in summer and stock up on the SPF 1million and the chemical free bug spray hoping our soft pasty indoorsy selves don’t get bit by mother nature, beware of stingers because getting stung is totally weak.

**Maybe once the swelling comes down I will actually have something funny to write about, it seems that wasp venom has had an adverse reaction to my sense of humor as well.**


Happy Cinco de we have kids and holidays like this are now irrelevant.

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What is “Cook Until Done” Divided by 30 Seconds?

Sweet

Shortcuts 

Lots of people love quotes.  I see them in your status updates and on the signature lines of your emails.  I guess I am impressed that you are a big fan of Hemingway and Voltaire, or that you got one of those quote a day calendars for Christmas.  I like quotes too, it’s just that putting a quote at the bottom of my email and crediting it to “Billy Madison” is not quite as professional.  I am not saying that I am not well read, but my favorite thing about Dr. Seuss movies is that I can finally be one of those people who say “It wasn’t as good as the book.”  One of my favorite quotes is from a movie called Road Trip.  There are several great lines but the gem is this: “It’s supposed to be a challenge, it’s a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.”

Man, I love shortcuts.  Getting off the beaten path and having a bit of an adventure, all in the name of saving 5 minutes.  I like making my gps have a seizure, and sometimes it has been a while since I have seen my wife’s eyes roll.  Taking an unannounced shortcut is sure to do both.  In a world that is so digitized and matter of fact, short cuts are one of the few treasure hunt type adventures that we can still relish in.  Is there really any greater brag as a man than to make great time because you took a shortcut?

It is true that they don’t always pan out.  I questioned my own sense of adventure (and direction) earlier this month as I lead my in-laws following in the car behind me on a short cut that ended up adding 20 minutes of drive time and included driving through a deluge of blinding rain on empty praying to find a gas station in a sea of farmland.

You have to be willing to work through the occasional setback, but finding a great shortcut and going on an adventure is totally sweet.

Weak

Thought this was Supposed to Save Time 

I have cleaned instant oatmeal out of a microwave at least a half-dozen times.  For some reason when you create an oatmeal volcano in the microwave at work, you can’t just leave it like you would do at home.  It isn’t because I can’t read or follow simple instructions but I like my instant oatmeal a little less al dente than the instructions call for.  Working with unfamiliar equipment that potentially includes industrial strength wattage (or whatever cooks stuff in a microwave), can lead to inconsistent results.

I get that the microwave is a huge time saver and everything but is anyone else out there a little intimidated?  I mean that thing has like 25 buttons on it.  There are a lot of numbers and levels but if I have anything that needs to cook longer than popcorn, I just hit the popcorn button and then the plus 30 seconds button over and over until I get to the desired time.

Speaking of, I made a frozen dinner not too long ago that told me I had to cook it for 6 minutes on medium, remove film, stir, and then put back in for another 4 minutes.  Listen, if I knew you were going to expect me to be Wolfgang Puck, I would have just made Swedish meatballs from scratch. Also, I looked and have no idea how to cook on “medium”  maybe that is just popcorn minus 30 seconds or something.

In case you were ever wondering, if someone in your office cooks fish in the microwave, you have to pop 3 bags of popcorn and throw it away just to get rid of the funk. I am grateful for technology and that I don’t have to stab a stick through it to cook my hot pocket over an open flame but microwave fails are  totally weak.

*If you read my last post you might be thinking ‘this guy writes about popcorn a lot”

(There isn’t really any joke there, I am just saying you might be thinking that.)


Twelve Dollar Popcorn

Sweet

Checking the Rule Book 

OK dad, you can’t step on the floor because it is lava but it is OK to step on the rug because it is magic and you can throw pillows on the ground and walk on them.  Also, you are the trapper…..wait, no.  I am the trapper and you are the tickler but you can’t tickle me if I have you trapped.  Ok, so I will hide this plastic Easter egg and you close your eyes and count to 1 million.  Then you have to find the egg but keep your eyes closed and I will tell you if you are hot or cold.  AND NO LEG TICKLING!  Also, you can’t tickle my armpits.  Only my tummy and I get to keep this pillow shield in front of me.  Wait hold on (runs to room and returns with crayons and paper)  first though, we need to make our badges.

If you are a parent this might sound familiar.  If you aren’t, think back really hard and you might remember playing this type of game when you were little.  I smiled last night as my oldest daughter took the rule making to the next level and almost got downright bossy about it.  I remembered being a kid expertly stacking smiles on top of joy on top of anticipation as I prepared for my next adventure.  Planning, setup, and rule making / explaining, often holding more fun than the game itself.

Floors made of lava and alligators are totally sweet.

Weak

Thanks for the Effort Dad 

image via pinterest

I can’t seem to turn around these days without hearing the latest feats of some crazed over-achieving supermom talking about carpool and soccer practice and the seven layer rainbow cupcakes they made last night for their kid’s entire school.  You know the ones, can’t have a 2 minute conversation without mentioning Pinterest and the 1001 things they can’t wait to do with mason jars.  I suspect that we are subjected to each detail of their crafting triumphs but always spared the detail of their failed attempts.

While I may not have a 12 course gourmet meal bubbling away in a crock pot at home, dads are out there trying to make an effort too.  Sometimes, we don’t always get it right the first time, but unlike our pinterest mom counterparts, we aren’t afraid to share the story of the not quite perfect moment.

A couple of weeks ago in an effort to create some dad magic of my own.  I bought my daughter a banana split.  To go.  I imagine there are moms that just read that and shuddered.  You should have seen my wife’s face as we walked back to the car where she and our napping little one waited.  Look, it came in a plastic thing and you should have seen my daughter light up when I said yes to her request.  Sometimes I am so blinded by the glory of the moment I fail to consider the details.  Halfway home the treat had been passed to mom and my daughter was complaining about how sticky she was.  By the time we got home there was a river of ice cream in my wife’s lap and every time the car turned it seemed like another levee broke and the mess amplified.  There were a couple of tears, a yell or two, finally some laughter and embarrassment.  In fact, upon arriving home, there was such a mess that clothes were removed in the garage and the once glorious treat that had been reduced to a sticky mess machine was tossed in the trash.  Seats were wiped down and chins and elbows cleaned off and then we had a Popsicle from the freezer.  Finally a recipe that didn’t come from Pinterest, too bad it turned out to be a recipe for disaster.

I am not saying that all of my efforts turn out this poorly.  I consider myself a bit of a veteran dad now and I don’t even wince at the twelve dollar popcorn they sell at the circus.  But man is it fun seeing new dads swallow that reality for the first time.  I know I probably should have made the banana split at home with all organic ingredients and served them up in re-purposed mason jars but I am pretty OK with how it turned out and not even afraid to share the story.

So  remember all you dads out there, sometimes the glory is worth getting blinded for and we appreciate the effort.  Also, here is a little free tip.  If you ever decide to surprise your kids and tell them you are taking them to Disney on Ice, you better get that “on ice” part out pretty quick.  That was totally weak.

(Note: After writing this and looking around the web for pictures, Pinterest had banana splits in mason jars, so much for it being a joke.  Unreal)


There’s a Hole in My Bucket List

Sweet

The Chewy Freeze. 

I have talked about my love of gum before here.  People that know me well are aware of this affinity and for Christmas this year I received a case of a new minty fresh type that I was particularly appreciative of.  I try to pay attention to little things that I come across on a day-to-day basis that are particularly sweet and add a bit of awesome to an otherwise ho-hum day.  This happened on Saturday as I was chewing a piece of gum and grabbed the cup in the console and tossed in a few pieces of ice.  I hadn’t done it in a while but I love chewing gum and ice together.  This was exactly one of those sweet things that I like to earmark and remember.  It wasn’t just any ice either, which is what made it even better.  It was that tiny pellet ice that you remember from concession stands at little league.   I think we can all agree that pellet ice is the best ice ever.  That ice chews up perfectly and combined with gum that gets partially frozen and hard  is totally sweet.

Weak

It May not be a Marathon, But I did Run an Errand Once. 

Last week I read  this great blog post by Maggie.  Since then I have had the “bucket list” concept come up several other times.  A friend of mine is playing The Old Course at St. Andrews today and my grandmother flew in a sail plane a few months ago.  People are climbing mountains and starting non-profits and catching salmon with their bare hands.  My recent triumph was finally getting a few days of old gym clothes out of my trunk and into the laundry, gross I know.  Thinking about all of the amazing experiences this world has to offer sometimes makes me feel small.  I don’t worry though that my bucket list may have a leak or even that no formal list has been made.  I may never take up falconry on the weekends or spend the night in an igloo, but I do have goals.  Goals that are achievable (I think) and goals that would make my life better.  It may not be enough to fill a whole bucket but from a guy trying to be the best husband and dad he can be, here are a few excerpts from my teaspoon list.

1. Get rid of the two dirt spots in the front lawn.

2. Break down all those boxes in the garage and take them to the recycling place.

3. Play an entire game of football on the X Box  just like before  kids.

4. Start the day with something other than profanity when the alarm goes off at 5:30.

5. Learn some kind of basic “in case of emergency” hair styling strategy for my daughters in case my wife isn’t home.

6.  Try out that taco truck everyone keeps talking about.

7. Remember to buy stamps and get the trash out to the curb on time.

8. Figure out some kind of alternative energy solution fueled by dryer lint and dropped goldfish.

9. Hit all green lights.

10. Remember (just once) to bring those re-usable grocery bags to the store.

I have done some pretty cool stuff and I am sure that there will be more cool stuff to come.  I won’t feel empty if I don’t drive a Formula One car or see the march of the penguins in person.  I am happy for you folks that are out their building a violin from a tree in your backyard, and nursing an injured koala back to health with goat’s milk from your own goat.  For me though, calling a bunch of crap I will probably never do “my bucket list” is totally weak.


Don’t Mind if I Do

Sweet

Bonus! 

There are so many wonderful things about parenthood and raising a child that they are hard to list.  The magic in your child’s eyes when they are truly happy, the moment when the light bulb goes off and they learn something new;  those moments are sometimes like the one perfect golf shot in a horrible round.  You faced your fair share of frustration but those few key moments make up for them all and continue to re-enforce your love of the game.

I think all of that emotional junk is truly wonderful and great rewards to parenthood but I think it is time we discuss one of the more tangible wins that parenthood provides.  I want to talk to you about the bonus nugget.  That’s right, the 6th nugget of a 6 piece meal.  That little reward for being a good dad.  Not all gratification is instant but every now and then there it sits, giving you a little wink and saying, “atta boy, I’m all yours.”

It may sound silly but when that lone nugget remains and your kid has moved onto the playground or decided to finally attempt in public their Houdini high chair escape they have been perfecting at home, you grab that little reward, dunk it in polynesian sauce, and relish in parenthood sweetness.  But don’t take too long chewing a victory lap, your kid is about to bust their head open when her feet get tangled in the high chair straps.  get in the game buddy, the party is over.

The Bonus Nugget is totally sweet.

 

Weak

Three Gallons of Mustard 

The first time I ever wandered into a warehouse membership store (Costco, BJ’s, Sams, etc.)  I wasn’t married, didn’t have any kids, and still left with a three gallon tub of mustard.  Somewhere along the line I got caught up in the hype and the thought of being the mustard king for only six dollars was a bit intoxicating.  Two years later I threw away 2.5 gallons of old crusty mustard that had not been refrigerated after opening.  Who has room for a keg of mustard in their refrigerator?

Now that I am a family guy we take advantage of the local discount club and tend to have a better strategy when it comes to running an inventory of household necessities.  Some products like paper towels and diapers are stockpiled into a seemingly endless supply and some inventory like milk run in a” just in time” inventory management system.  There are benefits to both and they each have their drawbacks as well.  The only thing worse than being out of milk is having milk within 2 days of the expiration date (on either side), and where in your house is there enough room to store a pickup truck load full of paper products?

The worst part of the buying in bulk strategy is that it lulls you into a false sense of security with your seemingly infinite supply.  You start letting the baby empty an entire box of tissue because it is cute and when a drink is spilled you just put the entire roll of paper towels on top of it and step down until the quicker picker upper finishes its magic.  My wife isn’t a huge fan of this type of behavior but when our basement looks like a nuclear fall-out shelter full of supplies some of that stuff needs to be used.

It seems like it will last forever but guess what?  It doesn’t.  And though it may take months, when it is gone it always catches you off guard.  Walking into your bathroom and seeing an empty roll holder and a stack of yellow Wendy’s napkins on the back of the toilet is totally weak.


Mr. Sandman Bring Me a Dream

I don’t think this classifies as sweet or weak but it was definitely weird.

Remember Me?

Doogie Howser sings Bring Me a Dream Season 4 Episode 10 (Vinnie deals with insomnia) You should click this.

I was in a city, Denver I think, and I was walking down the street with some time to spare before meeting the rest of my group at dinner.  I walked across the street and into a shop and started looking at clothes when I realized there was a particular theme to this clothing.  Kermit the Frog.  The shop had every item of clothing imaginable from formal wear to socks and underwear and they all had something to do with Kermit the Frog.  At the time this didn’t seem the slightest bit strange and I flipped through a rack of plaid green shorts as my attention was drawn to an old familiar voice.

I looked up and I saw an old friend that I hadn’t seen since high school walking up to me to show me the leather biker jacket he was purchasing.  It should have been odd to see him so far from home but we began talking like old friends and commenting on the jacket and how instead of a leather strap at the top of the zipper it had a green bow tie.  I noticed a girl behind him obviously flirting with him and commenting on his selection as well.  I also recognized her from high school but he acted like he didn’t even know her.  I should have realized that something strange was going on but didn’t find anything odd until I turned around to look at the shorts again and they were gone.  Everything was gone.  I saw two sales people both vaguely familiar rapidly removing the racks of merchandise into some sort of closet.  The room was suddenly empty and I was alone.  I couldn’t find a door to leave and a woman that once again I recognized pointed to a side door and told me I could exit there as it was the last door unlocked.

I walked out of the building thinking it was a bit strange but not unsettled in the slightest.  It was almost time to meet my friends and kids and I had a long walk ahead of me.  To my surprise a guy pulled up in an older red pickup truck.  It was a friend that I haven’t seen in close to ten years.  Again, we had gone to high school together.  I got in his truck and realized that he was part of the group of friends I was there with.  He told me that the group had changed plans and we were meeting at a different restaurant.  He said it was closer and really good and we started heading in that direction.  I fiddled with my cell phone and then looked down and saw my bare feet.  What the Hell?  Where had my shoes gone?  I had them on just a……I suddenly realized I had no idea how long I had been barefoot but was certain that I had left wearing shoes.

My friend said it was no problem and we would swing back by our hotel so I could put on another pair.  We pulled into the parking garage in the basement of the hotel and then suddenly I was in my room;  on my knees in a closet trying to find two shoes that matched.  There must have been a hundred shoes in a pile and the task wasn’t easy.

The door to the hotel opened and the room was flooded with people.  Some close friends that I see all the time, others friends from long ago that I haven’t seen in years.  None of that seemed strange.  My wife walked in with our oldest daughter and two other little girls who I recognized but I don’t remember who they were.  My daughter was crying.  My wife was glowing and telling me about a place she had found in the city that had all of these free games you could play that were very challenging but had great prizes if you won.  She had been there for a long time and my daughter was upset because the games were too hard for kids.

I guess I found a pair of shoes because the next thing I remember we were all walking into a restaurant.  It was open air in the middle of town and was a Mexican place I am pretty sure.  The waitress arrived and began taking drink orders, she talked to us all like she knew us because she did.  We had all gone to school with her years ago.  It didn’t seem the least bit odd that we had all shown up together in her restaurant.  There was a sudden rustle and I realized my wife had just gotten out of bed.  I peered at my phone and it said 5:44.  I had overslept.

This morning at 4:30 my wife’s alarm went off.  She said her clock said 5:30 but the TV said 4:30 and she asked me to check my phone to make sure of the right time.  It was 4:30 and we both drifted back off into dreamland.  In what seemed like about 3 minutes I was getting out of bed and rubbing my eyes.  What in the world kind of dream was that?  I walked into the bathroom and my wife was brushing her teeth.  We both commented on how fast the past hour had gone by and I told her that I think when a half-dozen people you knew in high school show up in a dream, it may be time to stop reading Facebook right before bed.


Some Like it Cold

Sweet

Leftovers for Breakfast.  FTW! 

Dear cold Soy saucy broccoli, how I love thee first thing in the morning eating you standing up in front of an open refrigerator without any pants on.  You know, in immediate retrospect, I think that the no pants thing might have been taking it a bit too far.  That being said, when I am concerned that my words haven’t quite hit the comedic tone I was seeking, I find adding something about no pants to the end never hurts.

I don’t want this post to take anything away from traditional breakfast foods and as a southerner, I  hold things like biscuits and grits close to my heart.  While an organized planned out breakfast is a thing of beauty, there are few things that this world has to offer sweeter than eating cold leftovers for breakfast standing in front of the refrigerator.  I guess you could go to the trouble of putting that pizza on a plate and sitting at the table but it is 7:30 in the morning, what am I some kind of weirdo?  When you eat it standing in front of the fridge it is kinda like it didn’t really count.

Last week we had some people over for dinner and my neighbor was kind enough to leave the spinach dip she made.  I thought about texting her first thing the next morning to tell her she had already made my day but didn’t want to sound like some kind of freak.  That cold spinach dip was the best thing I had eaten for breakfast in a long time.  Let it be known that she left crackers as well and I didn’t just eat dip with a spoon like some kind of animal. Cold Spinach dip was a nice start to a non-traditional breakfast weekend.  Sunday morning brought along another favorite but rarer treat.  The candy breakfast.  For the most part on Easter and Christmas morning I can trust that the first food I am eating  is chocolate.  Pretty awesome to proudly have peanut butter cups for breakfast with no fear of being judged, heck, you can even post a picture of your half eaten bunny on the internet and people will think you are some kind of hero.  To be honest though, there is one minor drawback to your breakfast coming wrapped in tiny pieces of foil.  It pretty much insures your metabolism and energy level for the day will be akin to a bottle rocket.  Lots of blast and fury out of the gate but just doesn’t quite last long enough to get the job done.  I couldn’t do it every day but twice a year candy breakfast is pretty sweet.

Weak

lobster pager (weak)

I love restaurants.  I worked in them for years and the whole idea of having servants to cook, clean, and bring me things  for me for about an hour has a certain appeal.  Lately though, I have been rethinking my approach.  You see we have a little one that is at that adorable age that she has decided she is too big for a high chair but she is still very capable of needing stitches at any minute.

We were at the beach last week for some spring break fun and as many do, we washed the sand out of our nooks and crannies and headed out to become slaves to a little pager thing that beeps and lights up to tell us it is our turn at the trough.  For the most part, everything was great but every now and then a dining experience steadily spirals out of control and sucks the joy out of a night quicker than a Cajun with a crawfish.  We had one of those experiences last week.  Having been there myself, I have an incredible amount of empathy for the restaurant business but sometimes you have to take a stand.  It is probably one of the weakest of the weak but last week I had to pull out the big guns and do something that no one wants to do.  I asked to talk to a manager.  Pretty weak.


Nooks and Crannies

Sweet
Much Better
I think we all can agree that few things in life rival spending the day at the beach. Fun, sun, surf, and sand, and sand, and oh look more sand. There is nothing better than that feeling you have after your post beach shower. Your skin is all tight and sun kissed and the sand is finally all washed out of your business. Totally Sweet.

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Weak
The Summer Beard
I have spent a bit of time spring breakin at the beach this week. I have had a great time and am also continuing my journey of self discovery of this person I didn’t used to be. For example I have a naturally darker complexion and have rarely used sunscreen. Now I know that most towels have a soft side and a scratchy side. Yowzers sunburns hurt. I am contemplating growing a summer beard because the thought of scraping my burnt skin with a razor makes my knees wobble. Another reminder that I am getting older and now the father of two girls is my opinion of bikini clad adolescents. If this particular spring break location had a sponsor it would be tube tops and aviator sunglasses. There was a time in my life that this would have been heaven but now all I can think is how that girl’s dad must feel. I guess that is part of growing up and follows suit with the other paradigm shifts in my life. I know that we all have those things that we look back at when we get older and realize they were silly (although, I will stand behind a well tight-rolled Bugle Boy jean) and for today’s teenager it will likely be the sunglasses. I don’t get the whole hipster thing. What is so ironic about looking like and idiot? As you get older the thoughts going through your mind on vacation change and that is kind of weak, but not near as weak as rubbing aloe on your blistered ear lobes. Seriously, sunburned earlobes?? Weak.

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