Sweet and Weak
Knock Knock
I have read a lot of blogs lately discussing things being slower during the summer. Less to write about, busier schedule, taking a break etc. I am not sure if all of those apply to my but I have definitely been posting less often lately. I have still been writing, just with a lot fewer words and a lot less effort. Mostly what I have been writing are jokes or punch lines that still need some detail added to them to get the full effect. Last week Sweet Mother dedicated the week to jokes on her blog. She posts everyday and is kind of blogging all-star so I have no qualms about shamelessly stealing her idea. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery right?
I am working through a real blog post in my head and will write that soon but in the meantime, here is a handful of what my brain has leaked out over the last few days. I am removing the usual wholesome filter that I write with and just posting these as is. (My apologies in advance)
My written vocabulary would be better but my spelling is so bad I usually just choose a synanym, sinonim? synonyme? I usually just choose another word.
Just handed out a bunch of “Life is Good” shirts to the homeless. I like my philanthropy with a twist of irony.
Yesterday, I accidentally searched for something on yahoo. It was like putting on an old sweater and realizing it was ugly and doesn’t fit anymore.
“Don’t worry guys, everything’s going to be OK, she’s dropping a stick and a leaf in here.” -said no lightning bug in a jar ever.
All I’m saying is, if they want the jumbotron to be family friendly, they shouldn’t have put the Kiss Cam on me while I had a funnel cake.
Argentina’s bikinis and USA’s turtlenecks in beach volleyball may be shedding some light on the anti-America sentiment I have heard about.
Based on how flawlessly I just put the baby in her crib and snuck out of the room, my ninja uniform is probably in the mail.
I Called McDonald’s to see if they had a lost and found today. How would you describe dignity?
My daughter just climbed up on the coffee table and tore her diaper off. Does this mean we have to change her name to Cinnamon?
Hand sanitizer dries fast but not near fast enough when you spill a big drop on your crotch right before walking into a meeting.
Hey people really good at Excel, what is that one formula that populates the past 3 weeks of work I didn’t do into these cells?
I don’t know if he was a Sommelier but the clerk at the 7-11 suggested pairing this Boone’s Farm with my loneliness and ineptitude.
I don’t litter unless there are inmates picking up trash on the side of the road. Then I just toss out a bottle as I drive by and yell “missed a spot”
I generally think Golden Coral is gross but if they ever add toaster strudels to the buffet, I will probably go ahead and have my mail forwarded there.
I just mixed two different Axe body sprays and grew an Ed Hardy T-shirt and a faux hawk.
I like how at IKEA the paper ruler and golf pencil are free. Especially since the marriage counseling will be so expensive.
I realized I’m just not cut out for Facebook after saying Happy Birthday Karen to that girl named Sharon for the 3rd year in a row.
I think it’s neat that people my parent’s age suggest talking to the pharmacist like the Internet doesn’t even exist.
I was feeling used but after therapy it is more like certified pre-owned.
This morning, the only soap in the shower was apricot melon body scrub. I think I just synced cycles with the wife.
Jokes can be hit or miss so if these were completely weak, I will try to do better, if you thought they were sweet, thanks for not un-following my blog.
Simon C. Holland 
August 1st, 2012 at 12:10 pm
These are great Simon! You should do a round of these on a regular basis. I don’t usually laugh at jokes I read as most of the time it is the delivery that makes them amusing. Unless they are really funny and these are. Is this what your full time gig is?
August 1st, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Oh wow, you are too kind Michelle. I am glad you like them. No, I actually work in the petroleum industry so my creative outlets there are not very robust. This is a little handful of what I have been putting on Twitter recently. It made my day for you to ask me that question though.
August 1st, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I will have to make sure I am following you on twitter, then. Sometimes the tweets go by so fast I miss them.
August 1st, 2012 at 12:29 pm
yeah, and I have been tweeting a lot lately, I like it as an outlet that is quick and easy and lets me jot down things that i think are funny or interesting. I have just recently tapped into the enjoyment of writing and I like it in the micro form over there as well. I will look for you.
July 31st, 2012 at 3:16 pm
My favorite is the Boone’s farm joke! Have you put all these on Twitter? I am too verbose for Tweeting, but you’d be a real pro! Also, there is a Washington Post Magazine annual humor competition that closes August 10th, and one of the categories is humorous tweets. You need to enter!
July 31st, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Thanks Lisa, yeah I put most of them on Twitter, I just recently started using it but I think the brevity fits my sense of humor sometimes. I will check out the contest, that might be cool. thanks for the kind words.
July 31st, 2012 at 2:35 pm
You made me laugh out loud a few times. Very sweet!
July 31st, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Thanks Mary, I really appreciate you reading.
July 31st, 2012 at 10:23 am
Definitely sweet jokes brosif.
July 31st, 2012 at 10:26 am
thanks brah!
July 31st, 2012 at 3:00 am
Nice touch, Simon. Really enjoyed it.
July 31st, 2012 at 8:38 am
Thanks Don
July 30th, 2012 at 9:52 pm
These were awesome! My favs were the homeless and IKEA jokes. To true!
July 30th, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate you stopping by.
July 30th, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I liked them all, and you defniitely made me laugh. My favorite was the Ed Hardy/faux hawk reference. I wish I could do one-liners…
July 30th, 2012 at 11:00 pm
Thanks Sandra, you have plenty of hilarious one liners in your blog posts.
July 30th, 2012 at 6:23 pm
ok,so it’s just me with my aussie SOH. barely raised a smile here, although the homeless one was good.
July 30th, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Thanks Jennifer, if I do wander upon an open mic one day I will make sure I stay stateside. Thanks for reading 🙂
July 30th, 2012 at 6:32 pm
don’t get me wrong here, i love your posts, this one was just not as funny. 🙂
July 30th, 2012 at 4:18 pm
The Axe body spray quip was spot on. I like to say quip.
July 30th, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I like the word quip too, thanks Becca.
July 30th, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Sounds as if you still got it, Simon. The sweet and the weak. ;). And I mean that in a good way.
July 30th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
You are the best! Thanks.
July 30th, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Funny stuff! LOL at Karen/Sharon!
July 30th, 2012 at 3:08 pm
Thanks Bhara!
July 30th, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Actually it’s Bharat, not Bhara. Weird, Sweetmother made the same mistake today! 🙂
July 30th, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I guess my effort was a little too minimal there. Sorry about that.
July 30th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Wow, you plugged your blog post in an apology. Respect! 😉
July 30th, 2012 at 2:26 pm
i loved these. you need to just go to an open mic and do stand up. seriously, you’ll probably get hooked and then i’ll have to apologize to you for ruining another life with a stand up comedy career. lol. this was my fave one — My daughter just climbed up on the coffee table and tore her diaper off. Does this mean we have to change her name to Cinnamon?
but, they were all good, really. i, personally, really love jokes that paint a picture and that one really did for me. buena suerte, hombre. xo, sm
July 30th, 2012 at 2:46 pm
You are too kind SM, I appreciate you stopping by and your feedback. Knowing you laughed may have just fed my narcissism enough to keep me from doing anything stupid for a while, you are the best.
July 30th, 2012 at 2:47 pm
😉
July 30th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Hit. Everyone. Not a miss in the bunch.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Thanks Frank, I appreciate it.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I’m partial to the Golden Corral toaster strudel one, the one about talking to the pharmacist vs the Internet, and the last one about the apricot scrub and synching with your wife. But they’re all good ‘uns.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Thanks MW, those toaster strudels are legit. I had forgotten about them and had some of my daughter’s and now that is pretty much the only thing I want to eat for the rest of forever.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
My favorites: bwahahahaha
Just handed out a bunch of “Life is Good” shirts to the homeless. I like my philanthropy with a twist of irony.
“Don’t worry guys, everything’s going to be OK, she’s dropping a stick and a leaf in here.” -said no lightning bug in a jar ever.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Thanks Sweetsound, I appreciate you reading and glad you got a laugh. How did we ever think that putting a stick in a jar was recreating their natural habitat? Kids are awesome.
July 30th, 2012 at 1:38 pm
This was fucking amaze-balls. Oh my god. You really should be doing stand up. I agree that Sweet Mother is a blog goddess, but your jokes are so good, I suspect you could give her a run for her money onstage!
July 30th, 2012 at 1:42 pm
haha, you are too kind. I have recently toyed with the idea of finding an open mic but who knows. Thanks for the good feedback though, I am glad I am not the only one that finds the crap in my brain slightly funny at times.
July 30th, 2012 at 2:27 pm
i doubt that. i’m a rockstar on the mic. not to be a d*ck, but i am…i’m less jokes and more “personality,” i should say… 😉
July 30th, 2012 at 2:35 pm
No offense meant to you, SM. I’m sure you’re awesome onstage. I was just praising my buddy here for being fucking hilarious. You know you wanna steal a couple of those jokes of his, dontcha?
July 30th, 2012 at 2:46 pm
nope, they wouldn’t sound good yelled, which is more or less what i do… lol.
July 30th, 2012 at 4:31 pm
erm…should I wear earplugs if I ever get the opportunity to come out to LA and watch you perform?
July 30th, 2012 at 4:38 pm
nah, i’m good with the mic to mouth ratio. take that however you like. 😉
July 30th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I know how I’m taking it. 😉
July 30th, 2012 at 4:52 pm
bwwaaahhhhaaa
July 30th, 2012 at 2:43 pm
I feel stuck in quandary. While I have no doubt that SM is the rockstar, I kinda feel like she just came over to my blog, and did the equivalent of telling a joke and then dropping the mic at my feet eliciting chants of “You got Served” from the crowd. At the end of the day though, SM has the resume to back it up and I am wearing boat shoes so that pretty much sums it up. Thanks for the kind words SM, you rock.
July 30th, 2012 at 2:45 pm
keep in mind, i say that with all humility. i worked at it for 16 years and have an entire adulthood of very low earning potential and an odd resume to show for it. lol. however, i still think you should get thee too an open mic…
July 30th, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Seriously, you girls need not stop saying nice things about me just because I am here. SM, I don’t question your humility for a second, all in good fun. If I do get up the nerve to find an open mic somewhere, I am blaming it on you for your encouragement.
July 30th, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Funny as always. I love your jokes/reading your Twitter!
July 30th, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Thank you La La, sometimes less words are easier for me because I get distracted easily.
July 30th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Shiny things. I feel ya.
July 30th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Great stuff! For some reason your posts haven’t been coming in via email. Will work on fixing…
July 30th, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Thanks Stacie, I know what you mean, several blogs I follow stopped sending emails or showing up in reader. I un-followed and followed back some of them and it seemed to fix it. Thanks for stopping by.
July 30th, 2012 at 3:30 pm
It’s fixed. =)
July 30th, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Laughed out loud at the Karen Sharon Facebook one, but this one is my favorite: I don’t know if he was a Sommelier but the clerk at the 7-11 suggested pairing this Boone’s Farm with my loneliness and ineptitude. Bravo!! Thank for the Monday AM smile!
July 30th, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Thanks so much, I appreciate you reading.