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20 Pro Tip Life Hacks that will Literally Save Your Uninteresting Internet Dependent Life.

If this changed your life, is it really worth living?

If this changed your life, is it really worth living?

1. Remember the name of someone you just met by writing it down in an old tattered spiral notebook you keep folded in half longwise and hanging out of your back pocket. Bonus points for asking them to spell it and give country of origin.

2. Keep track of all of the cords around your computer or entertainment center by randomly unplugging them and looking to see what device won’t work. I can’t keep up with those little bread bag holders during the 10 days I have the loaf of bread, how am I supposed to avoid losing them long enough to build a cord labeling system?

3. Keep your car from running out of gas by looking at the fuel gauge and add more when the needle gets close to the E.

4. Look thinner in pictures by going on a diet and losing weight.

5. Use stuff like a paper clip or clothes pin or scotch tape or a chip clip or rolling tightly to keep your bag of chips from getting stale. Don’t use pant hangers, what are you some kind of freak?

6. Throw a Frisbee like….you know what? If you don’t already know how to throw a Frisbee, don’t bother trying now. There are some things you should just be able to figure out without the internet.

7. Make a grilled cheese the way your mom taught you and the way that has worked for a hundred years. Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be to clean the melted cheese out of your toaster, not to mention once you turn that thing on its side guess who has 3 years of crumbs to clean up?

8. Leave ketchup and mustard in the bottle they came in and set it out for a cookout. No one wants to scoop mustard out of your rusty old muffin pan and you know what is less than one dish to wash? No dish to wash.

9. There is a right way to put your daughter’s hair in a pony tail, dads, and it doesn’t involve the dirty hose from a vacuum cleaner. Stop being a stereotype.

10. Open a banana by pealing from the stem like a normal person. Stop making monkeys your life coach, monkeys don’t care if their banana is smashed but you have a shirt on.

11. Just turn your windshield wipers on low, there is no prize for spending your entire commute trying to lock in the perfect intermittent setting.

12. If you want extra ketchup grab another little paper ketchup cup. There is a stack of like a million right in front of you and they are free. Don’t hold up the line by unrolling the top of your little paper ketchup cup to hold 1/8 of an ounce more. What are you, a serial killer?

13. Use household cleaners to clean things around the house because vinegar smells like someone just peed on a pile of rotting fruit.

14. Get free on demand movies by calling your cable company when you finish watching it and telling them that your toddler did it by mistake, threaten to cancel your service if they don’t agree. (this one only works like 1 or 100 times depending on the direction of your moral compass).

15. Wear goggles when you are chopping an onion to keep from tearing up.  They also keep blood out of your eyes when you are chopping up people because what kind of psychotic freak cooks with goggles on, Dexter?

16. Use a crayon, brown marker, or furniture polish to cover scratches on wood. Or go out and find a place that will sell you a single walnut so you can try this thing you saw on the internet.

17. Keep milk from going bad by drinking all of it in a reasonable amount of time and never ever under any circumstances believe some nonsense on the internet that tells you to keep drinking milk past the expiration date. Gross.

18. Use a toilet paper roll for an iPhone speaker because that was the one decoration you were missing in your cubicle. Congratulations, you just became the weird guy people are afraid to talk to. Good luck dodging all of the ladies when you start rocking out to your toilet phone.

19. Instead of taking pictures of your friends holding the thing they are borrowing from you, get new friends that don’t try to steal your stuff.

20. Just pour your pancake batter out with a spoon or measuring cup. We don’t need it in a ketchup bottle. Stop creating fixes for things that aren’t broken. Have you ever tried to wash the inside of a ketchup bottle? Do you know how hard it is to pour pancake batter into a ketchup bottle? Just stop it, this wasn’t a problem or life struggle before the internet saved us from it.

 

 

 

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About Simon

I am a husband and a dad of two little girls. I am a lone Y chromosome and am already planning my escape strategy to deal with the estrogen flood that is on its way. People say there is a lot of joy to be found in the simple things and I have found they can provide a healthy dose of anti-awesome as well. I am, in general, a pretty optimistic guy and needed a bit of a creative outlet; so here it is. Thanks for stopping by. View all posts by Simon

48 responses to “20 Pro Tip Life Hacks that will Literally Save Your Uninteresting Internet Dependent Life.

  • Terence

    OMG!! I laughed and laughed!! Rocking out on your toilet phone!!! Wahahahahahaha. You just made my day!

  • Laura

    Couldn’t help but think about this one when I came across a life hack list online today. Reblogged yours on http://riddlefromthemiddle.com. Classic!

  • For all my List Junkies out there | Riddle from the Middle

    […] 20 Pro Tip Life Hacks that will Literally Save Your Uninteresting Internet Dependent Life. | Simon C… […]

  • Laura

    omg, #6. and 10. and 12. Oh hell, most of these made me laugh my ass off. Thanks for that.

  • all things messy

    Reblogged this on all things messy… and commented:
    This is hilarious…just a bit of a chuckle to get you through hump day! And who knows, maybe you’ll learn a few things to. Obvious things, but things nonetheless!

  • kbeck13

    Pancake batter in a ketchup bottle??!!!? WTF is wrong with people? LMAO!!!! My great grandma used a measuring cup and it took about .8 seconds to get batter to skillet…yeah, I think I’m going to follow her example. Awesome post. This is my first visit to this site and I can’t wait to read more!

  • teachezwell

    I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Bog Award! Details here: http://wp.me/p3amLP-50 Keep posting!

  • Brad

    I just got my wisdom teeth out…..the pain from laughing so hard is excruciating. Is there any life hack to stop it, simon?

    • Simon

      Thanks for reading Brad, I keep that Sara McLaughlin commercial with the abandoned pets on my DVR for when I can’t stop laughing. Works every time.

  • PAULA K. SCHMIDT (@PAULAKSCHMIDT)

    and even tho it wasnt included on the list, my personal favorite: Make your own sidewalk chalk. Seriously? Am i a chemist??? This is why the dollar store was invented, people.!!!

    • Simon

      I couldn’t agree more, if I am going to all of the trouble to become some backyard chemist why make worthless sidewalk chalk? those pinterest instructions look like with a few small tweeks you could be the next kingpin meth lab.

  • AnimiJes

    Really appreciate you sharing this blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Keep writing.

  • Karen

    It’s one in the morning, and I just laughed out loud, waking my husband and the dog. See what you did?

  • silkpurseproductions

    It is about time someone took a shot at these life-hacks. May I say you have done a fine job. I have a list of things, “I am going to try someday” but never get around to because 1) it is usually just easier to do it the way I have been doing it all my life at the time or 2) I can’t find where I put the damn list.

    • Simon

      Thanks, I wrote this on a whim and it has been fun, turns out it is by far the most read thing I have ever posted (wish I had spent more time on it now haha).

  • Linda

    Best Life Hack list ever! #2 is my modus operandi at work although it involves crawling under my desk so I can’t actually see what stopped working. That’s OK, they can’t find me under my desk.

  • Jane

    Hilarious!! This is how I feel about all of the “Life hacks!” pages too.

  • Paul

    “If this changed your life, is it really worth living?” I so agree!

    A lot of “life-hacks” are rediculous, probably take more time or cost more than the commercially available option and almost always look cheap, nasty and tacky… However, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water! Some are actually good ideas!

    4. Stop caring what you look like in photos – you are who you are – more importantly you aren’t the latest pop star skeleton who has more personal trainers than you have real (non-facebook) friends!

    5. Buy smaller bags of “chips” and just eat the whole bag in one go, no matter it’s size!

    13. Commercial household cleaners cost a lot more, and clean no better than bicarb and vinegar. If you don’t like the smell of vinegar add lemon juice or essential oils.

    15. Wear glasses or sun glasses when you are chopping an onion to reduce liklihood of tearing up. They aren’t as weird and most people have a pair of one or the other – not everyone has goggles!

    17. “Expiration dates” are generally just a vague idea of when the product will become unuasable and always err on the side of caution. Throwing things out because of a date is wasteful – in the vain of this article: use your eyes and nose instead – if it looks or smells off, then it likely is, don’t let some capitalist steal more of your money by convincing you that your food is inedible days before it is!

    19. Assume anything you lend out won’t come back – that way you’ll be pleasantly surprised when things do, and you won’t fall out with your friends. Obviously don’t lend out anything your truly care about and learn what a friend actually is – people who try to take advantage of this attitude are not a friend, stop leanding them things!

    • saskyou

      17. If you store it the right way, milk will keep long after expiration.
      It’s how I get my yogurt.

    • saskyou

      17: Milk doesn’t last long after its expiration date.
      The yogurt it becomes is yummy, tho

    • Brad

      Actually, I’ve found chewing spearmint gum while chopping onions helps a little, oddly enough (I think there’s some sciencey magic involved), as well as burning a scented candle and turning on the draft hood above the stovetop. Also, just not being a pusillanimous wuss and dealing with a moment of discomfort works as well.

  • Amanda

    I saw one of those ‘life hacks’ that said to use a can opener to open obnoxious plastic. Honestly, I never thought using scissors was difficult, but I went ahead and tried it. Let’s just say that tip is some bullshit. It doesn’t work. How complicated is grabbing a pair of scissors, anyway?

  • Marianne

    Loved this article!

  • Raymond

    I’ve never actually heard of #9 but I can imagine somebody coming up with that dumb idea. And the stereotype of dad’s being incompetent at that kind of thing bugs the hell out of me. My two daughters hated their mother brushing their hair,because she had no patience, while I loved sitting in front of the TV carefully detangling their hair and putting it into ponytails or braids. Those are the kind of memories you can’t buy or plan.

    • Lee

      I agree. Many of these “life hacks” seem like something that someone did as a joke and the internet went ahead and called it a life hack. I’m sure that dad was just kidding around not saying that everybody should do it that way. I’m so glad this article was written to show how many life hacks are silly while still being funny while ragging on them 🙂 Also, Raymond you sound like a great dad.

  • Rose

    Wow… you’re a miserable, snarky little man with no imagination at all. And probably the worst dad ever.

  • Chris

    RE: the sideways toaster grilled cheese thing; Tried it. …needed to buy a new toaster and a new kitchen fire extinguisher and that’s all I’m going to say.

  • EssGee

    4 – Tips in this area are generally about making your current body look more flattering. You can have an ideal body weight and still look ‘fat’ in pictures if you pose poorly. The thigh gap “trick” is also more about making girls realize that it literally has never had anything to do with weight so they won’t feel bad when they “mysteriously” don’t naturally look that way themselves.

    6 – Wow. I have no words. Blame the kid whose parents never gave them a frisbee. That seems reasonable.

    12 – Don’t hold up a line to unroll the ketchup thing, but unrolling it isn’t a bad idea if you feel bad about using them at all. Or nix the cups entirely and use the inside of your burger wrapper or box, etc.

    15. So.. you’d rather have your eyes hurt to avoid looking weird in your own kitchen?

    18. Would you feel less weird if it was a paper towel roll? Those things are used for art and craft projects often enough, it really isn’t that weird? Coming from someone who has no desire for an iPhone/equivalent let alone any need for such speakers.

    19. This trick is about not forgetting. I’ve been on both ends of doing so plenty of times. “Oh hey I could’ve sworn I gave this back already”/”I forgot I even borrowed this, why didn’t you say anything?” “Oh dude I didn’t even think about it.”

    Basically I agree with a lot of the things but others just sound like you being super judgmental for no good reason or missing the intent or just actively looking for something to complain about. :T

    • partariothegoth

      15. I know this wasn’t the point brought up, but just like chewing gum and cutting onions near an open flame, it’s just extremely unreliable so it is a stupid life hack

    • saskyou

      15. It doesn’t hurt your eyes. It feels like it hurts your eyes. Also known as “being a pussy”. My grandma didn’t whine when she chopped onions, just saying.

  • Angel

    How to cut an onion without crying,… don’t get too emotionally attached.

  • Pyramid Head....Is not who I am

    I always thought things like this whenever those “life-hacks” lists would pop up. You live in a 1st world country, what on earth do you need a life-hack for? Great read, would read more stuff.

  • Bobin

    Number 17 I have to disagree with. My husband works in the dairy industry. He told me those dates are figured to be well before it’s bad. Often it can be days even a week or so.

  • Introverted Mama

    Seriously. What’s so hard about making a grilled cheese on the stove, opening a banana, using ketchup straight out of the ketchup bottle? Great read!

  • The Other Walter

    So it’s not just me who thinks these thoughts when Stumbling around the interwebs. Good to know. Thanks for the article.

  • Regan

    Totally made me laugh. Good stuff. The keep track of what cords go to by unplugging still makes me chuckle.

  • caralouisephotography

    haha this is amazing! loved it, and great tips – thank you!

  • Big Deal McNeil

    Doing laundry in your dishwasher actually works pretty well, but only for food stains

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