The Half Beard


Getting out of the door on time. 

This post may be more understandable to parents with small children but I are one and someone said you should write what you know.  I don’t know why it is but getting the four members of my family dressed, ready (with shoes on) and out the door in time has consistently become one of the greatest challenges we have ever faced.  It doesn’t seem to matter how early we start putting the wheels in motion to get out the door, inevitably, we will be 10 minutes away from departure and I am stepping into the shower, we are tearing the house apart looking for a shoe, the baby is crying, and we are packing a diaper bag. (Wife just read “we” and is rolling eyes noting that the first part of that list was me in the shower, missing all of the whirlwind.)  Not only do those last ten minutes cause escalating blood pressures and strain to the bonds of the parental team, but it also takes a once clean house and destroys it.  I can say on several occasions once we are finally all in the car we back out of the garage (and then pull back in so one of us can sprint up the stairs and grab the bottles out of the fridge that we forgot) that sigh of relief is instantly coupled with the dread of returning to an aftermath that some would declare a state of emergency.  It is those moments when you have to get 5 miles down the road before anyone dare say a word that make the times that you hit the sweet spot even better.

Every now and then the planets align (translation, dad thinks ahead and realizes 30 minutes isn’t an eternity) and we make it to the car at a leisurely pace with time to spare and realize that it is in fact possible.  Everyone is in a happy mood and there is no disaster relief project waiting for us when we return.  Shoes miraculously were both in the same place, sock seams cooperated, diaper bags were assembled early and dad managed to make a sound wardrobe selection.  Those times are so sweet I should really try to do my part to make them happen more often.  Getting out of the door on time is one of those great moments in parenting (glad my 20-year-old self isn’t reading this and seeing how lame he turned out to be.)  Cherish those moments parents and bask in the sweetness when it occurs because your kid shouldn’t be afraid to ask if you want to play “I spy” before you have backed out of the driveway.



The Half Beard 

I notice that there is a developing pattern of self-deprecation happening here but I am an easy target.  I am one of those guys that uses an electric razor in the car.  I know, I know but seriously, it is a great time saver.  That is, however, until the time when mid shave the battery breathes its last breath and grinds to a halt leaving you with a half beard.  I am not talking about a beard that is only half way towards reaching glorious full beard status, I am talking about left side of face like a baby’s bottom, right side like a lumberjack.  That is a look that is kind of hard to pull off.  There isn’t really any way to hide your lack of planning when you are standing in line at the gas station rocking your half beard with a disposable razor and tiny can of shaving cream that is going to cost you 8 bucks in hand.  So you shell out your hard-earned cash for a disposable razor and wonder if you just bought the last one on earth that doesn’t have 17 blades built-in.  You say a little prayer of thanks that since you are about to rough it and shave with only one blade like you are a pioneer at least it will only be on half of your face.  You get to your place of employment and b-line to the bathroom hoping your boss doesn’t walk in while you are trying to stop the bleeding.  Technology is great but it is funny how dependent we can become on it.  So charge your battery or wake up 5 minutes earlier and cut out the risk of rocking the half beard because that knowing look from the guy at the gas station is totally weak.


About Simon

I am a husband and a dad of two little girls. I am a lone Y chromosome and am already planning my escape strategy to deal with the estrogen flood that is on its way. People say there is a lot of joy to be found in the simple things and I have found they can provide a healthy dose of anti-awesome as well. I am, in general, a pretty optimistic guy and needed a bit of a creative outlet; so here it is. Thanks for stopping by. View all posts by Simon

9 responses to “The Half Beard

  • Joe Dickerson

    I’ve read most of your posts on your blog and have thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of them! They’re extremely funny and I’m relieved I’m not the only one going through the growing pains of being a young parent of 3 children myself. But when I look back on it, all you have to say is so very true! Keep it up!

  • Tonya

    I have enjoyed reading your blog. I do appreciate your take on life.
    Sitting hear laughing out loud while remembering our days of doing the same with twin toddlers.

  • Colline

    Getting the family ready on time never seems to change – no matter how old the kids are. Now that my younger children are a bit older, I still find myself herding them quickly out the door in order to make appointments. Now in their pre-teens, they seem to have perfected the art of dawdling!

  • lifeisverygud

    Great stuff. Thanks for your humor and take on life. I’m passing your blog on to a few great 30-something fathers I know. Aloha!

  • skippingstones

    So funny! I’m not a mom, but I find the same thing to be true for Auntie Me. When I have my niece over at my house for a few days, I love being the laid-back aunt. I give us plenty of time to get ready to go, plenty of time to go at her pace. And don’t you know it’s still never enough time. Just getting her to put her shoes on is like pulling teeth, it’s just one distraction after another.

    As for the shaving, I work at a drug store and I’ll never forget the guy who came in one afternoon to buy an electric razor. He was wearing a baseball cap and he confessed that his razor had died just as his mom was beginning to cut his hair. He was blushing like crazy, but he pulled off his cap for me anyway – I couldn’t help but laugh. With him! Not at him. It was awfully cute and funny. She was not what you’d call a systematic barber, so he had stripes cut out in about 4 or 5 random places.

  • Jamie

    Funny stuff. Laugh out loud even…it sounds like we have the same morning strategies. I’ve never shaved in the car though…I’ll leave that to you! There have been mornings that my hair is wet in the car but I’m not actually sure I washed it.

    Happy Friday!

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