My wife and I recently celebrated 12 years of marriage. I know to some that is a long time and to others we are still relatively new at this. Here is the thing though, I think 12 calendar years is probably equivalent to at least 20-25 IKEA years. What I mean is that this 12 year accomplishment deserves your applause because during that time we probably made at least 20 trips to IKEA. IKEA is like the Swedish Wal-Mart where healthy loving relationships go to die.
Tools? We don’t need no stinking tools!
I guess one of the good things about IKEA is that the golf pencil and little paper tape measure are free, especially since the marriage counseling is going to be so expensive. I mean, if they would let you take a plate of those delicious horse meat meatballs into the showroom I would go there by myself on a Saturday just to watch couples melt down in public. I am pretty sure that any husband can agree that the 4 words that can strike fear into even the bravest of souls when spoken in an IKEA are “what do you think?’ WHAT DO I THINK?? EJECT, EJECT, SAVE YOURSELVES I’M DEAD ALREADY. What I think is that after 20 seconds in that place we are all drunk on sleek design and functionality and that intoxication will soon wear off when we realize no number of multi-tool organizational shelving units will make the inside of our house look like the showroom there. Of course that isn’t what I said. What I said was, I think it is great, I think everything in here is great. I think if we get this dining room desk /storage unit with hidden drawers and special built-in lights that take light bulbs that cannot be purchased anywhere else on the planet it will probably solve most of our problems. Que meltdown.
At IKEA this is like finding Super Mario’s secret warp zone to world 8-1.
Those Swedes think of everything though, because it is hard to look all pissed when you are storming off pushing a cart with 4 swivel wheels and you have to Tokyo drift around the corner to avoid knocking over a display of 4000 glass tea light holders. The also know that any little argument can easily fade away when you turn the corner and both marvel at the 200 square foot living space. Suddenly you want to trade your big house in the suburbs for a broom closet because how cool is all of this stuff?
I need to be honest though, while it is possible that IKEA can present some unique relationship challenges, they do have some cool stuff; no Viking helmets but cool stuff none the less. We have some of their cool stuff in our house and most of the time the joy of new furniture is enough to quell the in store disputes and bring everyone back to a happy place before the put together meltdown occurs.
I think we all know about the put together meltdown. I am a pretty handy guy I fix stuff and know my way around a tool box but that really doesn’t matter when it comes to Swedish engineering. There is no piece of IKEA furniture in our house that wasn’t halfway assembled then taken apart and reassembled because I had something upside down or backwards or inside out. You would think that the only problem with that would be the increased amount of time to complete the build and the addition of a few 4 letter words to your kid’s vocabulary but the real problem is this:
Once she learned the new curse words it was time to let her take over.
Furniture from IKEA is not designed to be taken apart and put back together. With the re-screwing or allen wrenching or whatever you call it of each bolt with that multi-tool the structural integrity is compromised. So basically after a 6 pack of beer, 2 cut knuckles, a kid wondering what that word meant and a bucket of tears (mine not there’s) you wind up with a bedside table that is capable of holding an alarm clock and a pencil and anything heavier than that causes the legs to wobble.
They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think that this can be applied to relationships for sure. Arguing in IKEA can be pretty weak but getting home and lounging on your new futon/file cabinet/spice rack is totally sweet.
Simon C. Holland 
July 30th, 2013 at 5:37 pm
The wife and I were totally suckered in at the store in Round Rock, Texas. We own a moderately sized house, but the minute we saw those incredibly cramped quarters packed with shelving we (her more so than I) fell for the gimmick. Good article.
June 20th, 2013 at 11:09 pm
Swedes are wily characters. I think IKEA is their version of pay back for some imagined slight generations ago! I just love those Tokyo Drift buggies too…even after being an IKEA shopper for over 40 years, I still cannot get the “drift” of them! It’s a good thing to start teaching your girls how to put things together when they are young and language lessons are part and parcel! ;P Hahaha!
June 20th, 2013 at 11:11 pm
I so agree thanks for reading!
June 20th, 2013 at 5:51 pm
Congrats on 12 years. You’re in for the long haul now. Especially after all those IKEA trips.
Although, thankfully (?) we don’t have one close here I’ve done the building of things that have the weirdest instructions, and end up like your bedside table.
June 20th, 2013 at 9:56 pm
Yeah maybe next time I should skip the 6 pack
June 20th, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Probably a good ikea, oops, idea 🙂
June 20th, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Guess what Simon?! I put together an iron bed for my daughter all by myself and I got it right the first time. The key is not to build anything from Ikea that is made of “wood”. That is the key.
June 20th, 2013 at 9:56 pm
My daughter has an iron bed from there too, you are so right, that is the key!
June 20th, 2013 at 2:30 pm
i feel you man. we even used the same pictogram. http://yoonanimous.com/2012/01/04/ikea-fied/
June 20th, 2013 at 2:43 pm
Oh man I feel like a big old thief!
June 20th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
Not at all, just goes to show how universal the fear and pain associated with Ikea really are. 😉
June 20th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
The tie that binds and unbinds
June 20th, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Oh, Simon…we’ve all been there. Too many times.When your kids leave home (hopefully before their 40th birthday), you’ll still be driving them to Ikea to furnish “cheaply’ the first apt. What you save in pennies comes directly out of your hide! Very funny blog and cautionary tale.
June 20th, 2013 at 2:01 pm
Thanks Laurie, it’s an adventure for sure.
June 20th, 2013 at 12:19 pm
never assembled an IKEA project but will someday. SO much for flap a to flap b i’m assuming. Great post, cheers to surviving the IKEA marriage!!! Kudos so far as well.
June 20th, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Thanks so much and good luck when your time comes.
June 20th, 2013 at 12:01 pm
Congratulations on 12 years of marriage.That is something these days, especially if you do shop at IKea. I am the assembler at our home. He-Who sits and watches and tells me I am doing it wrong until the end of the assembly. It is definitely a test.
June 20th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
Thanks so much! Yes, a test for sure.