Not the Man I Used to Be
I tend to carry a few extra lbs around the mid-section. I find that it helps quell some of my unbridled sexuality and generally puts people at ease. Let’s face it, if my physique paralleled my charm and charisma people might need one of those eclipse viewer things just to look in my general direction. It is a selfless act but I am standing at the sink eating a hunk of leftover birthday cake at 11:45 pm for the people. Unfortunately, as well as I try to sell that line of B.S. no one is buying, especially me.
I think when your daughter affectionately calls you “big fella” it is a good time to begin standing your ground in the battle of the bulge. It may not be the easiest thing in the world but seeing your hard work pay off is totally sweet. Sweet like chewy brownies or a pint of butter pecan ice cream; sweet like fruity pebbles with rainbow milk, or a Little Debbie Swiss Cake roll you have delicately consumed layer by chocolaty layer. Wait, what was I writing about?
I am cutting portion sizes and putting my relationships with Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers (JBC) and peanut butter and rainbow sprinkle sandwiches on a break. I am hitting the gym and hard work is yielding results. This process, though, is not without perils of its own. I have had to navigate the embarrassment of being the guy in the gym with a lady bug towel because he grabbed it in the dark and due in part to my overall lack of planning, I have forgotten some key items after a workout and gone commando more than once (I don’t know how guys do that by choice, especially in slacks).
The hardest part may be sticking with it but it is a pretty good feeling for your wedding ring to slip off in the shower or for your belt buckle to take up residence a new notch. I am not claiming any victories yet but you may want to check if they sell those eclipse viewer things on Amazon. The taco shell made out of Doritos may be hard to pass up (God Bless America) but seeing the number on the scale go down and knowing that you did it by yourself is totally sweet.
Realizing you still haven’t lost your baby weight is pretty tough, especially when you are a man in his 30’s. You know how when you are driving to a new place that you have never been, the way there always seems much longer than the way back? Losing weight is nothing like that. The way there is just a downhill blur of joy and Funyuns and when you finally turn to go back you can’t believe how far you have gone. The way back is longer and harder and the whole time you are wishing you had realized how far you had gone and turned back sooner. When I look back, there were some key indicators that I must have overlooked while I was busy cleaning the Cheeto dust from my chubby digits. If you think you may be missing some of those red flags to stop licking peanut butter off of the knife, please let me share some of the signals that I overlooked.
- When the cashier at the grocery store puts a box or Oreos on that little ledge like it is a pack of gum you want to keep separate.
- When you actually agree to have a hot apple pie with that.
- When you get another order of fries just for eating in the car (because some kind of golden arched magic just makes them taste better when one hand is on the steering wheel) .
- When you start to wonder if you kept those extra links that came with your watch because that sucker is getting tight.
- When you find that the majority of the lies you tell yourself are in that 30 second span in the Arby’s drive through tightly wedged between excited hunger and bloated regret.
- When you hope your kid doesn’t finish their dinner so you can handle the leftovers.
- When your Goggle search history includes 3 different types of gravy.
- When you decide that “The Cheeto Glove” is the best idea ever and research patents.
- When Little Debbie herself sends you a hand written thank you card.
- When the only ads on the right hand side of your Facebook are for marshmallows.
They all seem so obvious now, but when you are too busy developing your snacking prototype or hoping that the button on your pants can hold that last bit of icing, you simply miss the signals. So feel free to print those out and use them as a cheat sheet to help you know when you have gone too far and it is time to turn back. Standing in the glow of your refrigerator light in the middle of the night treating yourself to a home-made Vegas buffet may seem awesome at the time but nicking yourself when you are shaving because the other chin got in the way is totally weak.
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July 8th, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Sad when your plan to get back to your target weight is only so that you can begin eating again. I am such a yo-yo!
July 8th, 2012 at 9:39 pm
That is another motivator, good call!
July 6th, 2012 at 12:05 am
I hear you. I, too, missed some signals. I actually asked for one of my kid’s fries the other day, totalling missing the boat that they ordered a happy meal, and there are only about 7 fries in that now. File that under “Mean Mom”, haha.
That’s the same daughter who was almost named Little Debbie, because I ate so many swiss rolls during my pregnancy. Still love those things.
July 5th, 2012 at 11:21 am
OMG, I was laughing out loud by myself in an operating room suite over this image you painted !!! Fantastic! good luck in your “health re-evaluation” … its ok to mix in the sprinkles once in awhile!
June 19th, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Holy cow – I’ve been unable to come around lately and I just checked in to see what you’ve been up to — thank God I did because this one is a jewel! I will read this to my husband, who I can guarantee you will relate and laugh so hard he might choke on his Tastycakes.
June 20th, 2012 at 10:42 am
Haha, thanks Lisa. Thanks for stopping by and reading. You are the best, save a Tasty cake for me? (butterscotch krimpet?)
June 15th, 2012 at 8:51 pm
As usual — right on target! You got off easy, though. The boys had started calling Scott “Hey, Fatboy!” right before he started his recent diet. Congrats on early and continued success! And, speaking of forgetting stuff at the gym, I used to have a total meltdown if I forgot flip flops for the shower — I’d end up tip toeing around, sure I was going to be attacked by a virulent foot disease.
BTW, nominated you for a Reader’s Appreciation Award! http://squirrelcircus.wordpress.com/2012/06/15/a-windfall-of-warm-fuzzies/
June 15th, 2012 at 1:21 pm
The only thing better than standing over the sink eating a hunk of leftover birthday cake at 11:45 pm, is doing the exact same thing in the dark. At least that’s how I do it. No one can see my crying, and if my girlfriend walks in, I just stop moving and breathing. Then as soon as she leaves, I’ll continue.
June 15th, 2012 at 9:34 am
Oh, man – use the ladybug towel proudly! I used to bring a Disney Princess lunchbox to work every so often: “Yes, I have two little girls. Yes, I’m using their lunchbox.” As for the Funyons – that totally takes me back to college. Great stuff here!
June 15th, 2012 at 4:08 am
Hilarious! Ladybird towel, chuckle 🙂
I love the sound of peanut butter and rainbow sprinkle sandwich, yum.
I agree, those Maccas fries taste way better in the car, but do you know how good hot chips (fries) taste in a white bread sandwich with lashings of butter? ….mmmmmm… sorry, not helping. Keep up the good work!
June 14th, 2012 at 9:04 am
This cracked me up!
My “signal” was when my son told my sister (in front of my mom) that there was a baby in my belly.
Nothing like getting a panicked three-way-phone call from two excitable Italian women wanted to know why I’m pregnant. When I’m not!
June 14th, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Sara, you crack me up. Thanks so much for reading
June 14th, 2012 at 8:42 am
[…] sweetandweak […]
June 14th, 2012 at 6:22 am
This is a hilarious post! I too have been
the victim of in the car french fry magic. I have also suffered from in front of WordPress ice cream magic. Nonetheless, great writing.
June 14th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Thanks so much, I think ice cream can pretty much be magic anywhere.
June 14th, 2012 at 12:17 am
I had to use my eclipse viewer in just reading your post.Not being American, those little delights you talk about sound marvellous. I don’t know how you cope. You’re right, when your belt goes down one notch, even the trees clap their hands. Thanks for a wonderful post and a good, good chuckle. Really enjoy your posts.
June 14th, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Thanks Don, I will listen for the trees, that is awesome.
June 13th, 2012 at 7:43 pm
Personally, I love the genius of the “Cheeto glove”. You might pursue a patent on that–could be your big break, Big Fella.
June 13th, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Let’s do it Julie, Team Cheeto!
June 13th, 2012 at 11:45 pm
ORANGE jerseys! I’m there.
June 13th, 2012 at 6:39 pm
My friend, you have a talent for writing. I think back to the cases of Whoppers and Twizzlers and gallons of Mello Yello consumed in your basement watching Star Wars and Tommy Boy. Wish I would have learned some food self control back then……….
June 13th, 2012 at 9:15 pm
Man good times. Thanks for reading and the kind words I really appreciate it. I haven’t had whoppers in way too long.
June 13th, 2012 at 5:56 pm
ROFL. Love it. So true, hubby shares your affliction – if not the same food desires. Gotta agree with the fries in the car.. soo much better.
June 13th, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Thanks Jen, road fries are the best.
June 13th, 2012 at 5:05 pm
I laughed at the Sweet part, of course, but then you really had me at “I (heart) gravy.” And that list is freaking hilarious.
The biggest signal I overlooked was several years ago when my neighborhood grocery store cashier said to me, “You and Ben and Jerry are having another threesome, eh?”
June 13th, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Madame you crack me up. The ménage a ice cream is hilarious!
June 13th, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Oh dear god. Bloated regret is my intimate companion. In fact, I thought we were exclusive. Thanks for outing the cheating bastard.
p.s. Bravo on the weight loss. Hard work, no?
June 13th, 2012 at 9:08 pm
You crack me up. Yeah it isn’t easy but the results are good motivation.
June 13th, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Way to go with the weight loss, that’s awesome!!
June 13th, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Thanks Audrey, I appreciate it.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:50 pm
I laughed out loud at this. Congrats on the gym results. I began to see this (faint results) and then went on a vacation and now it’s back to the grind. Cape Cod chips (40% less fat) is my weakness. And popcorn. And chocolate. Steak…wine. I’m hungry. Gym, first thing tomorrow!! :).
June 13th, 2012 at 4:26 pm
Thanks Brigitte, man those Cape Cod chips are good. Dangit!
June 13th, 2012 at 3:10 pm
This is really good! I especially like the warning about looking directly at you now. Also I just started a weight-loss mission…. man did this post make me hungry. Droooolll
June 13th, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Thanks Corrine, I appreciate the kind words. Good luck on your mission and sorry for the food distraction.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Good luck in your quest to conquer portion control. That can be tough to do when places like Cold Stone Creamery tell you that you “Gotta Have It,” but be strong. And any man who can pull off a lady bug towel is strong indeed. 🙂
June 13th, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Thanks for reading. Love your new pic btw, nice hat.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Thanks. I thought an accessory was in order, and I wasn’t keen on a nose ring…
June 13th, 2012 at 1:59 pm
i loved this. so true and so funny and i am right there with you right now. what’s the video about? i started it, but didn’t finish. have to hit the bike today, sigh. xo, sm
June 13th, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Thanks for reading SM. Oh don’t bother with the video, I am trying out WordAds for a month to see if it will buy me a sandwich. It is just some commercial. Have fun on the bike.
June 13th, 2012 at 1:49 pm
You so funny. You very funny man. Funny Ha Ha.
Seriously, I’m thinking of naming my spare tire. How does Muffy sound? It’s shorter than referring to it as my muffin top.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Aren’t you kind. I like Muffy, I am naming mine Norm.
June 13th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
This is hilarious. Similar to that peanut butter and rainbow sprinkles sandwich, I like to substitute the sprinkles for pure sugar. Instant candy sandwich. Also, fries in the car ARE way more magical. I am glad I read this after lunch, otherwise McDonald’s and I would have had one hell of a rendezvous.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Candy Sandwich? That is pretty much the best idea ever. Thanks Becca.
June 13th, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Simon, you should treat us to a before and after when you reach that shiny, sparkly, need special vision glasses stage. Congratulations on winning the battle.
June 13th, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Thanks Michelle, if someone will help dig me out of this sand I will get a pic.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Thanks for posting all the warning signs. I especially liked the one about the oreos. In my case it would be the Snickers bar.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
June 13th, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Is it bad that I am now hungry? Funny post! I will check sky mall for one of those eclipse viewers on the way home from Miami.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Thanks! and great idea La La, you should probably get some of those hover skates while you are at it, maybe you will get free shipping or something.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Hysterical….and dudes in lady bug towels are definitely sweet! 😉
June 13th, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Thanks, yeah that one was a bit of an awkward moment, luckily it didn’t coincide with a commando day.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Oh my dear blogging boyfriend, I love this.
I had to stop reading put my face in my hands and laugh about the Oreos on that little mini grocery counter shelf thing. You are brilliant.
I also clicked on your commercial which is for ladies and their jeans and Woolite…so you’re welcome.
June 13th, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Ha, thanks Maggie, you are the best. I can’t decide what to do with my ad money if I ever make any but I am leaning towards investing it…..in the fountain at the park and making a wish.