June 13, 2012

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

By Simon

Sweet

Not the Man I Used to Be 

Most of this post are jokes but the lady bug towel really happened. I didn’t look quite as cute as my kids with the hood over my head and it wrapped around my shoulders.

I tend to carry a few extra lbs around the mid-section.  I find that it helps quell some of my unbridled sexuality and generally puts people at ease.  Let’s face it, if my physique paralleled my charm and charisma people might need one of those eclipse viewer things just to look in my general direction.  It is a selfless act but I am standing at the sink eating a hunk of leftover birthday cake at 11:45 pm for the people.  Unfortunately, as well as I try to sell that line of B.S. no one is buying, especially me.

I think when your daughter affectionately calls you “big fella” it is a good time to begin standing your ground in the battle of the bulge.  It may not be the easiest thing in the world but seeing your hard work pay off is totally sweet.  Sweet like chewy brownies or a pint of butter pecan ice cream; sweet like fruity pebbles with rainbow milk, or a Little Debbie Swiss Cake roll you have delicately consumed layer by chocolaty layer.  Wait, what was I writing about?

I am cutting portion sizes and putting my relationships with Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers (JBC) and peanut butter and rainbow sprinkle sandwiches on a break.  I am hitting the gym and hard work is yielding results.  This process, though, is not without perils of its own.  I have had to navigate the embarrassment of being the guy in the gym with a lady bug towel because he grabbed it in the dark and due in part to my overall lack of planning, I have forgotten some key items after a workout and gone commando more than once (I don’t know how  guys do that by choice, especially in slacks).

The hardest part may be sticking with it but it is a pretty good feeling for your wedding ring to slip off in the shower or for your belt buckle to take up residence a new notch.  I am not claiming any victories yet but you may want to check if they sell those eclipse viewer things on Amazon.   The taco shell made out of Doritos may be hard to pass up (God Bless America) but seeing the number on the scale go down and knowing that you did it by yourself is totally sweet.

Weak

Bloated Regret  

Realizing you still haven’t lost your baby weight is pretty tough, especially when you are a man in his 30’s.  You know how when you are driving to a new place that you have never been, the way there always seems much longer than the way back?  Losing weight is nothing like that.  The way there is just a downhill blur of joy and Funyuns and when you finally turn to go back you can’t believe how far you have gone.  The way back is longer and harder and the whole time you are wishing you had realized how far you had gone and turned back sooner.  When I look back, there were some key indicators that I must have overlooked while I was busy cleaning the Cheeto dust from my chubby digits.  If you think you may be missing some of those red flags to stop licking peanut butter off of the knife, please let me share some of the signals that I overlooked.

  • When the cashier at the grocery store puts a box or Oreos on that little ledge like it is a pack of gum you want to keep separate.
  • When you actually agree to have a hot apple pie with that.
  • When you get another order of fries just for eating in the car (because some kind of golden arched magic just makes them taste better when one hand is on the steering wheel) .
  • When you start to wonder if you kept those extra links that came with your watch because that sucker is getting tight.
  • When you find that the majority of the lies you tell yourself are in that 30 second span in the Arby’s drive through tightly wedged between excited hunger and bloated regret.
  • When you hope your kid doesn’t finish their dinner so you can handle the leftovers.
  • When your Goggle search history includes 3 different types of gravy.
  • When you decide that “The Cheeto Glove” is the best idea ever and research patents.
  • When Little Debbie herself sends you a hand written thank you card.
  • When the only ads on the right hand side of your Facebook are for marshmallows.

They all seem so obvious now, but when you are too busy developing your snacking prototype or hoping that the button on your pants can hold that last bit of icing, you simply miss the signals.  So feel free to print those out and use them as a cheat sheet to help you know when you have gone too far and it is time to turn back.  Standing in the glow of your refrigerator light in the middle of the night treating yourself to a home-made Vegas buffet may seem awesome at the time but nicking yourself when you are shaving because the other chin got in the way is totally weak.

 

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About Simon

I am a husband and a dad of two little girls. I am a lone Y chromosome and am already planning my escape strategy to deal with the estrogen flood that is on its way. People say there is a lot of joy to be found in the simple things and I have found they can provide a healthy dose of anti-awesome as well. I am, in general, a pretty optimistic guy and needed a bit of a creative outlet; so here it is. Thanks for stopping by. View all posts by Simon
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