140 Characters Walk into a Bar…

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween so I'm making her carry a wrapping paper fund raising booklet to every door.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 28, 2014

I don't know, everything was going great & had been perfect for as long as I can remember, then in 2012…

-Gluten talking to his therapist

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2014

I have a wife & 2 daughters, all I want is 1 morning where someone isn't walking around the house on the verge of tears looking for a shoe.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2014

Me: Lamest tailgate ever.

Wife: Finish your beer and put the cooler in the trunk honey, your daughters are ready for Disney on Ice.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2014

Luckily ever single place we go this month tries to give my kids candy so they are super calm and easy to parent.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2014

🎶Disney Jr. where the magic begins…at 6 AM on Saturday because we are ruining your life now get up and make me some cereal!🎶

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2014

Had to go to Wal-Mart but I forgot to wear my pajamas and now all these people keep asking me where stuff is.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 24, 2014

Sorry I'm late, my kid said, "watch this" and it took an hour.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 24, 2014

Having kids just means it isn't really sweeping the kitchen floor, as much as it's scraping it with a broom.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 24, 2014

Don't follow me unless you're ok with pulling into the driveway of some stranger's house to turn around because I think we may be lost.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

You're not really pro at parenting until you tell your kids they wouldn't like one of the cookies you're eating because they are too spicy.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

I only take advice from old dudes eating slices of apple right off of their pocket knife blade.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

I let the kids play at the mall playground while getting your birthday present. So basically we're giving you the flu. It's from all of us

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

Sorry I wore a hazmat suit to your kid's birthday party.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

Just typing this to look busy while I awkwardly stand by the toaster at this hotel breakfast waiting for my bagel.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

Sorry it's been my turn on Words With Friends for 124 days.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2014

Accidentally brought my daughter's fruity shower gel to the gym this morning and now everyone is calling me grape nuts.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 22, 2014

Have those people that talk about feeling empty inside never tried tacos?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 22, 2014

Not making the $2.99 in app purchase so she can color the mermaid and other ways I'm ruining my daughter's life.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2014

Had a Werther's Original candy and now I'm at Sears looking for a sensible pair of house shoes.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2014

Parenthood is going pretty great, I told a colleague that I was on my way to the meeting but had to stop and go tee-tee first.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2014

Thanks for teaching your baby how to fist bump so I look like an idiot when I go for the high five.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2014

This is cool! Is it new? It's awesome! It broke.

-kids

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 20, 2014

Who decided to call them underwear instead of junk drawers?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 20, 2014