Sweet
Free Kittens
Parenting is a pretty amazing adventure. I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and somewhere along the trail of Cheerios, runny noses, and snuggle sandwiches I think I have managed to learn a few things. I have a friend that is preparing to become a father. He asked me, the other day, if I had any advice. This is what I told him:
- A sleeping baby that is starting to wake up is like an eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
- At some point you will be taking a shirt off your toddler and it will get stuck around their head because you forgot to unbutton the back. For a split second you will consider yanking it the rest of the way. You won’t because you aren’t a monster but you will question your value as a human being for even considering it.
- One day your kid will learn to read. Start working on your response to the “Free Kittens” sign now.
- When your baby is in that “don’t you dare put me down” stage, the most fun way to cut up a frozen waffle is with a meat cleaver.
- Realize now that anything your child brings with them to play with in the car has a 78% chance of never being seen again. Ever.
- When out alone with your baby in public you will think it is hilarious to ask another mom what flavor of Power Aid 9 month olds like the best when in front of a vending machine. Your wife will not find this as funny but you should do it any way.
- Unless you go all out with glitter and a poster board card, it is best not to mention that you sent a birthday message into the Sprout network. The only fruit you will have to show for your labor is diminished DVR capacity and disappointment.
I told him that anything I didn’t cover in that list he could probably find in a book because that is where they put advice from people truly qualified to give it. Being a parent is the best and passing along some pearls of wisdom you have picked up along the way is totally sweet.
Weak
The Last Minute Valentine
Via Wikipedia
I wanted to go ahead and toss a friendly reminder out there to my fellow husbands. Valentine’s Day is next week. Now, when you are executing your poorly thought out romance action plan on the way home from work next week, don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you do find yourself scrambling at the last-minute, remember there is no time to launch an elaborate gesture of love and romance to your significant other. Keep it simple. Here are a few of my hopes for the last-minute valentine.
- I Hope the gas station sells roses.
- And not the kind that turn out to be rolled up red panties. (Unless you are into gas station underwear. If so, go nuts)
- I hope you finish your heart-felt message in her card before the light turns green.
- I hope you think of enough things to write in the card that you can draw a little arrow at the bottom signaling to the next page. ( I know as a dude when you see that little arrow you just think “great, more reading” but trust me, women love it.)
- I hope you remember that this isn’t your nephew’s graduation and putting a check for $20 inside the card won’t cut it.
- I hope you remember to figure something out for dinner. Don’t even try to find a last-minute babysitter and take her to a restaurant, that’s a suicide mission pal. Just bring something home (from a place that doesn’t have a drive through).
- I hope you aren’t one of those dudes with glazed over eyes standing in front of a mile long display in a card shop. If you are, just get one of those long skinny cards (girls love those).
- I hope you don’t, in an effort to save time, just grab a birthday card and scribble out the word birthday and write Valentine’s above it (girls don’t love those).
- I hope you remember to tell her you love her and mean it.
- I hope she gives you a few chocolates free of the exploratory thumb poke on the bottom.
You don’t have to start planning now but just remember it is coming. It may be a holiday manufactured by florists and card companies but she deserves to know you love her everyday, especially on Valentine’s Day.
It is hard to use the steering wheel as a writing surface for a Valentine’s Day card and waiting until the last-minute is totally weak.
Simon C. Holland 
July 29th, 2014 at 7:35 pm
Love this post!
July 30th, 2014 at 9:18 am
Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
February 14th, 2014 at 6:21 pm
Another great one, Simon. It amazes me that you essentially write two columns in one. The Valentine’s Day tips really hit home with us, in fact, my husband just went to pick up our 16 year old at a school function, so I’d better run downstairs and fill out that card I bought him before he gets home. At least I’m not at a red light.
February 14th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
Thanks Lisa, Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14th, 2014 at 1:28 pm
Reblogged this on sweetandweak and commented:
Here’s a thing I wrote a while back. Happy Valentine’s Day.
April 19th, 2012 at 12:51 am
After 6 years with my speical lady, I still write her love letters once a month, answer the phone hello beautiful. Send her sweet texts. I also know her favorite flower, which is what I buy for her as birthday and Valentines day. I also a few times during the year send her her favorite flowers to her work just because I love her. Women Totally love all that. I do not do it because I know she loves it, I do it because I am so completely, totally, extremenly in-love with her and I have to express it all the time or i would burst.
February 14th, 2012 at 2:34 pm
[…] https://sweetandweak.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/I-hope-this-gas-station-sells-roses/ […]
February 14th, 2012 at 9:16 am
Reblogged this on themiddlegeneration.
February 14th, 2012 at 9:36 am
Awesome, thanks!
February 10th, 2012 at 1:56 am
Well said on both counts. The advice to your friend is very sweet — I hope he takes note. As I’ve been married for 32 years and 5 months I don’t get all bent out of shape about Valentine’s Day anymore, but I do have to admit that i still like getting a pretty card with a sweet sentiment in it.
February 9th, 2012 at 4:33 am
Brilliant Simon! Especially like the arrow “pointing to yet more wonderful to read messages for your beloved wife”. She is a lucky lady.
Coming from this Baroness who has been married to the father of her adult children for more years than she is willing to share,; Bravo You sir!
Happy Valentine’s Day! [early] I’m prepared. (*+*)
February 8th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
I love the man’s perspective of Valentine’s Day. I went the opposite route with my Valentine post and inserted sarcasm, so mine’s not as sweet as yours, haha. But thanks for another great post!
February 8th, 2012 at 10:45 am
Hilarious! You sound like a heck of a nice guy, a super dad and a great husband! Good for you!
From all indications, you’re a great blogger, too!
February 8th, 2012 at 6:20 pm
You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.
February 7th, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Totally nailed this…i have my hubby reading your post too… Our kids are getting older, but Geeeeeee i do remember those days… Dealing with the teen years now…any advice for that… Hmmm… Wait… Never mind, my advice to you is prepare yourself everything happens very fast, treasure the moments you have with the kids while they are little, cause as they get older, its all over till they get outa college. Lol…. Great post!
February 7th, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Awesome, thanks for reading and yes, I will need your help in a few years.
February 7th, 2012 at 8:16 pm
*too obvious. 🙂
February 7th, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Rolled up panties? Hahaha. Well yeah, as long as you don’t make it to obvious that you rushed everything for valentine’s day… And as long as you actually do something, that should be fine!
February 8th, 2012 at 8:07 am
Yeah, if you do get flowers at a gas station make sure you toss the receipt.
February 7th, 2012 at 2:59 pm
love it! Although mine are all older, the same applies. Being a parent is tough, but so much fun. Love the meat cleaver btw.
HUbby is leaving for work again on the 14th (he flies out for a week (weak) at a time) so we will have a kid free break in the Qantas Lounge at the airport before he goes. When he comes back, after payday, now that’s when we get our fun stuff! 🙂
February 7th, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Payday is totally sweet!
February 7th, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Great piece man. I just wrote a similar post myself with some tidbits for newbie parents or soon-to-be’s. I would add to your list the importance of developing a word, phrase, or look that indicates to your child that you mean business. It takes some time to find the right recipe, but start practicing early.
February 7th, 2012 at 6:12 pm
That’s a good one!