Sometimes I make Memes
I wrote this when my youngest turned one. Today she turns three and my heart swells with love for her. She is like if you gave a firecracker pigtails and all you wanted to do was hug it. Happy birthday little one.
Originally posted on sweetandweak:
She was just a smidge bigger than a bag of sugar the first time I held her. I took her in my arms peered out the hospital window and showed her the sun rising above the Georgia pines. It was her very first sunrise on her very first day. The 364 days since then have been full of other firsts. Not just for her, but for her parents and her sister as well. We have grown as a family and gelled as a team. In many ways she is still the boss of this household with all of her “I need to eat and can’t feed myself” and “Change my diaper!” demands that refuse to neatly reside on the outsides of our sleep schedule. I told someone once that the predominant feeling when I became a dad was more. After becoming a father you…
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I bet the best parts of writing a book are finishing it and deciding on the title. The problem with finishing it is that it takes a bunch of work. Deciding on a title doesn’t take near the time commitment or talent that writing a whole book takes. I don’t know if I will ever actually write a book but these are some of my title ideas of I ever get off the schnide and make it happen.
- Waiting in the Car While My Wife Runs Into the Store and Other Ways Parenthood has Increased My Carbon Footprint
- 72 Band-aids and Plenty of Apple Juice, A Parent Survival Kit
- Parenting With Fruit Snacks (Little Bags of Shut the Hell Up)
- Honey, the Kids are Finally Asleep, We can Finally Break Out the Good Snacks
- Toddlers with Sharpies and Other Reasons I Should Have Become a Hostage Negotiator
- Told My Kid to Shut Their Cry Hole and Other Reasons I May Not Get That Parent of the Year Trophy
- Not Letting Them Put Princess High Heels on the Dog and 2,346 Other Ways I Ruin My Kid’s Lives
- 37th Time Is A Charm: Tips On Putting Your Toddler To Bed and Other Parenting Pearls of Wisdom
- Cutting The Dog’s Hair is Never an Accident, Our Children Are Liars
I love my kids and I love being a dad; choosing to laugh instead of cry at some of the ways parenthood challenges you has been a good decision for me. If any real life writers out there need a poorly thought out title that is likely a run-on sentence hit me up.
I hope everyone has had a good summer and I appreciate folks still stopping by to read even when it has been ages since I have written anything. I have done a few cool things though this summer and wanted to share one of them. Watch all the way to the end to see the big pay off, definitely sweet.
Hey guys, come closer. I have a little something to tell you that could very well change your world. Are you in a relationship with someone special and have a birthday or anniversary coming up? Are you dreading that moment when you know you need to come up with a heart-felt message to put inside of the card and not just underline a few words and write “I love you” at the end? Could she tell last time based on the penmanship that you wrote your words of love and adoration while you were sitting at a red light?
Well don’t worry about that any longer because I have an idea that is going to melt hearts and make you look like Captain Romance.
The next time you are looking for a card and you find one that you like, keep looking until you find another one that you like. Find something with a really sweet romantic message. Now take those cards to the counter and buy both of them. Open the card that you have decided to give your sweetheart and write the message from the other card into the card you are giving her. BOOM! CASANOVA.
Give her the card and wait for tears of happiness.
You Are Welcome.
My wife and I recently celebrated 12 years of marriage. I know to some that is a long time and to others we are still relatively new at this. Here is the thing though, I think 12 calendar years is probably equivalent to at least 20-25 IKEA years. What I mean is that this 12 year accomplishment deserves your applause because during that time we probably made at least 20 trips to IKEA. IKEA is like the Swedish Wal-Mart where healthy loving relationships go to die.
I guess one of the good things about IKEA is that the golf pencil and little paper tape measure are free, especially since the marriage counseling is going to be so expensive. I mean, if they would let you take a plate of those delicious horse meat meatballs into the showroom I would go there by myself on a Saturday just to watch couples melt down in public. I am pretty sure that any husband can agree that the 4 words that can strike fear into even the bravest of souls when spoken in an IKEA are “what do you think?’ WHAT DO I THINK?? EJECT, EJECT, SAVE YOURSELVES I’M DEAD ALREADY. What I think is that after 20 seconds in that place we are all drunk on sleek design and functionality and that intoxication will soon wear off when we realize no number of multi-tool organizational shelving units will make the inside of our house look like the showroom there. Of course that isn’t what I said. What I said was, I think it is great, I think everything in here is great. I think if we get this dining room desk /storage unit with hidden drawers and special built-in lights that take light bulbs that cannot be purchased anywhere else on the planet it will probably solve most of our problems. Que meltdown.
Those Swedes think of everything though, because it is hard to look all pissed when you are storming off pushing a cart with 4 swivel wheels and you have to Tokyo drift around the corner to avoid knocking over a display of 4000 glass tea light holders. The also know that any little argument can easily fade away when you turn the corner and both marvel at the 200 square foot living space. Suddenly you want to trade your big house in the suburbs for a broom closet because how cool is all of this stuff?
I need to be honest though, while it is possible that IKEA can present some unique relationship challenges, they do have some cool stuff; no Viking helmets but cool stuff none the less. We have some of their cool stuff in our house and most of the time the joy of new furniture is enough to quell the in store disputes and bring everyone back to a happy place before the put together meltdown occurs.
I think we all know about the put together meltdown. I am a pretty handy guy I fix stuff and know my way around a tool box but that really doesn’t matter when it comes to Swedish engineering. There is no piece of IKEA furniture in our house that wasn’t halfway assembled then taken apart and reassembled because I had something upside down or backwards or inside out. You would think that the only problem with that would be the increased amount of time to complete the build and the addition of a few 4 letter words to your kid’s vocabulary but the real problem is this:
Furniture from IKEA is not designed to be taken apart and put back together. With the re-screwing or allen wrenching or whatever you call it of each bolt with that multi-tool the structural integrity is compromised. So basically after a 6 pack of beer, 2 cut knuckles, a kid wondering what that word meant and a bucket of tears (mine not there’s) you wind up with a bedside table that is capable of holding an alarm clock and a pencil and anything heavier than that causes the legs to wobble.
They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think that this can be applied to relationships for sure. Arguing in IKEA can be pretty weak but getting home and lounging on your new futon/file cabinet/spice rack is totally sweet.