Author Archives: Simon
Last summer I got a chance to cross off an item from the old proverbial bucket list. I tried my hand at stand-up comedy and pretty much had a blast. I’m not sure why I never shared the video but I’ve been looking into giving it another try and thought it might be worth posting. Apologies for the video quality, if I do it again I will try to get a better recording.
Last night I was up until the early hours of the morning trapped in an anticipation fueled cycle of checking the weather app on my phone and stepping out onto the back porch to monitor the various forms of winter precipitation as they fell from the sky.
Even now in my thirties I can’t help but get excited about the prospect of a snow day. I guess it should be prefaced that I am a born and raised Georgian and in Georgia, snow is magic. When I was a kid, snow in Atlanta was like the universe just giving you an extra day.
A free day. A magic 24 hour period inserted between, “Oh crap, I haven’t even started that book report yet” and “Please turn in your book reports.” It meant your parents stayed home from work and played outside with you, it meant supplementing your not so winter wardrobe with bread bags on your feet and 3 pairs of socks because you had to wear tennis shoes in the snow, it meant hot chocolate and wet gloves hanging by the fire. Snow days in Georgia are made of happy even when your mom makes you wear a pair of tube socks for gloves with sandwich baggies on top because why would you need to own ski gloves down south? Snow days meant rummaging through the basement looking for anything that could be turned into a sled and playing until your hands were numb, your cheeks were red and you collapsed into the house one big freezing, soaking, pile of exhausted joy at the end of the day.
We’ve Lost that Lovin Feelin
Remember that time that our kids went to school? I think it was called 2013 and it was neat. I admit I went a bit overboard on the whole waxing poetic about the wonder of snow up there because the truth is, when a snow day overstays its welcome, the harsh reality sets in. This is the part when you see what you are really made of, when the loving family dynamic gets put to the ultimate test. Cabin Fever.
It starts out innocent enough; a board game, an extra snack, a glass of wine or beer a bit earlier in the day than usual, a sarcastic remark to your spouse, a snap at your kid for making a mess. We don’t catch any of the warning signs because we don’t know how long we will be here. Somewhere along the way the sanity rope feels like it is starting to fray a bit and the local weather man showing the snow in his area becomes some bizarre backdrop back drop to your family’s de-evolution.
In what feels like an instant you are turning a blind eye to your kid eating a bowl of “skittles cereal” and you are dreaming about that Amazon droid helicopter thing delivering a case of booze to your frozen snowy doorstep. You become a bit numb to what your kids are up to as long as they keep it down and don’t get blood on anything as you settle into your own little wi-fi fueled haze. Cycling through social media, weather apps, and random google searches, you are suddenly curious if the U.S. just invented slopestyle to pad our Olympic stats. Eventually you start to wonder how long you have been sitting there. When did I take a shower last? Why are my children’s collective worldly possessions all in the living room? Did I just eat this entire can of Pringles? How long have I been wearing these pajama pants? Is it still snowing? No school again? What day is it? What year is it? Netflix is the only one in this house that truly understands me. How many lunches have we had today? Is there anything left my kids haven’t fought about?
Sound familiar? You start organizing games like the nap game and the prize is whichever kid falls asleep first doesn’t get a spanking. You gather the family around the table to work on a 1000 piece argument. You start wondering if you should send the internet a Valentine’s day card. You try to make the best of it by thinking of all of the great family memories the snow storm has provided but get interrupted because now that your kids have not played with every single toy that they have, they have resorted to taking breaks from fighting and crying to climb on stuff and jump off of furniture and you are pretty sure you need to find an ACE bandage so you can tie them up with it and MAKE IT STOP.
Being cooped up for days on end can push us right to that edge but somehow we hold on. Sibling rivalry wears itself out and sleep gives us the short respite we so desperately need. The thaw is coming and we just have to hang on and one day we will look back and only see the happy. When you are in the moment though, cabin fever is completely weak.
Here’s a thing I wrote a while back. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Originally posted on sweetandweak:
Parenting is a pretty amazing adventure. I have been a dad for almost 6 years now and somewhere along the trail of Cheerios, runny noses, and snuggle sandwiches I think I have managed to learn a few things. I have a friend that is preparing to become a father. He asked me, the other day, if I had any advice. This is what I told him:
- A sleeping baby that is starting to wake up is like an eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
- At some point you will be taking a shirt off your toddler and it will get stuck around their head because you forgot to unbutton the back. For a split second you will consider yanking it the rest of the way. You won’t because you aren’t a monster but you will question your value as a human being for…
View original 636 more words
I wrote this when my youngest turned one. Today she turns three and my heart swells with love for her. She is like if you gave a firecracker pigtails and all you wanted to do was hug it. Happy birthday little one.
Originally posted on sweetandweak:
She was just a smidge bigger than a bag of sugar the first time I held her. I took her in my arms peered out the hospital window and showed her the sun rising above the Georgia pines. It was her very first sunrise on her very first day. The 364 days since then have been full of other firsts. Not just for her, but for her parents and her sister as well. We have grown as a family and gelled as a team. In many ways she is still the boss of this household with all of her “I need to eat and can’t feed myself” and “Change my diaper!” demands that refuse to neatly reside on the outsides of our sleep schedule. I told someone once that the predominant feeling when I became a dad was more. After becoming a father you…
View original 546 more words
I bet the best parts of writing a book are finishing it and deciding on the title. The problem with finishing it is that it takes a bunch of work. Deciding on a title doesn’t take near the time commitment or talent that writing a whole book takes. I don’t know if I will ever actually write a book but these are some of my title ideas of I ever get off the schnide and make it happen.
- Waiting in the Car While My Wife Runs Into the Store and Other Ways Parenthood has Increased My Carbon Footprint
- 72 Band-aids and Plenty of Apple Juice, A Parent Survival Kit
- Parenting With Fruit Snacks (Little Bags of Shut the Hell Up)
- Honey, the Kids are Finally Asleep, We can Finally Break Out the Good Snacks
- Toddlers with Sharpies and Other Reasons I Should Have Become a Hostage Negotiator
- Told My Kid to Shut Their Cry Hole and Other Reasons I May Not Get That Parent of the Year Trophy
- Not Letting Them Put Princess High Heels on the Dog and 2,346 Other Ways I Ruin My Kid’s Lives
- 37th Time Is A Charm: Tips On Putting Your Toddler To Bed and Other Parenting Pearls of Wisdom
- Cutting The Dog’s Hair is Never an Accident, Our Children Are Liars
I love my kids and I love being a dad; choosing to laugh instead of cry at some of the ways parenthood challenges you has been a good decision for me. If any real life writers out there need a poorly thought out title that is likely a run-on sentence hit me up.
I hope everyone has had a good summer and I appreciate folks still stopping by to read even when it has been ages since I have written anything. I have done a few cool things though this summer and wanted to share one of them. Watch all the way to the end to see the big pay off, definitely sweet.